The Morning Briefing: Was That a Biden 2024 Campaign Launch or a Drunk Hostage Video?

Top O’ the Briefing

Happy Wednesday, dear Kruiser Morning Briefing friends. Neighbors felt that Creighton’s habit of posting Polaroids of his recently cleaned and folded underwear wasn’t in keeping with the spirit of the community message board.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, if you thought your 2020 hangover had finally subsided, it might be about to come roaring back. Joseph Robinette Biden is giving it a go and — despite so much speculation to the contrary — he’s dragging Kamala Harris along with him. It’s like being given the A Clockwork Orange treatment and having your eyes propped open while being forced to watch a sequel to a movie you never wanted to see in the first place.

My colleagues covered the bad three-minute B-movie announcement brilliantly. This is from Athena:

In a slick, cloying video, the faceless collective operating the Joe Biden Administration announced its intention to continue running America into the ground early Tuesday morning. Americans woke up to an ad titled “Joe Biden Launches His Campaign For President: Let’s Finish the Job,” revealing that the campaign theme will be “Let’s Finish the Job.” (Which job is that? If you answered “deconstructing the USA and replacing it with a declining, socialist, has-been nation,” you win a cigar.)

The putative president provided a slurry voiceover for the three-minute ad, though he himself only appeared in the video for seven seconds. The rest of the ad was divided between footage of scary “magger extremists,” as the alleged president derides half the country, and older footage of Biden along with Kamala Harris, Jill Biden, and a host of good, progressive Americans. There was even a one-second glimpse of Biden alongside Saint Barack of Obama, recalling the good ole days.

I’ll get to President LOLEightyonemillion’s slurring in a moment. My first thought when I arose to the news that the Adderall shortage had finally hit the White House and they couldn’t get Joe pumped full of uppers for a live appearance was, “Wow, they’re starting off with him in the basement.”

Athena provided the transcript and the video of the speech, which Stephen the Younger (aka VodkaPundit) then dissected:

So you should be totally filled with inspiration and stuff that he’s up to the rigors of another presidential campaign, this time from the ritzy White House digs, untroubled and unbothered by little things like having to draw crowds or defend his record of massive deficits, assaults on our rights as people and parents, and a world nudged into war and chaos.

In the video — I still can’t believe I’m writing about a pre-recorded re-election announcement — Biden bragged he’d helped “to defend democracy” and “stand up for our personal freedoms.”

While I dread the prospect of having Sir Sniffsalot stinking up the Oval Office past Jan. 20, 2025, I’m also overwhelmed by morbid curiosity to see how his handlers pull this campaign off.

(Here’s the part where the gnashing-of-teeth people who think it’s all rigged and none of this matters can just skip ahead to the comments and commence with the typewritten caterwauling. You’re welcome.)

Team Biden won’t have another global health crisis to hide behind this time around. Oh, it’s not that they didn’t try. They formed cheerleading squads for each new COVID-19 variant but, much to their chagrin, people weren’t dying at a rate that would be useful to them. And then they attempted to make Monkeypox a thing, but all they succeeded in doing was publicly shaming themselves for coming up with an allegedly racist name for it. It’s now called Mpox, which sounds like an ’80s vocal group that uses a drum machine.

The 800 lb Democrat donkey in the room is the fact that Biden is significantly less functional in public than he was in 2020. Heck, he’s less functional than he was on St. Patrick’s Day this year. If he were a regular citizen and spoke to the cops in the voice he uses in the video, he’d be given a field sobriety test, then a ride home when the shocked officers discovered that he was sober.

The first word he says on camera in the video is “freedom,” and he somehow misses the “d” completely. Biden’s next turn during his seven-second cameo on camera is when he barfs out the “magger extremists” line, which was also nigh on unintelligible. I only knew what he was saying because I’d read Athena’s post. Even then I had to go back for another listen to make sure that’s what I heard.

While it’s true that incumbent presidents don’t have to campaign as hard as the challengers from the other party who are vying for the nomination, Biden is going to have to get out of the White House at some point and make his case to the American people. It’s going to be tough to do that if he’s slurring like your drunk uncle who might violate the Thanksgiving turkey if he’s left alone with it for a few minutes.

The production value required to sell this fictional husk for another go-round is going to be enormous, especially with a Kennedy mucking up the works for him. If he can’t handle two-syllable words with multiple takes in a controlled environment, good luck with an acceptance speech at the convention. Yes, I know he’s been able to get through some speeches in his time in office but — as I keep saying — he’s getting worse at an alarming rate.

VIP SPOTLIGHT. The time from now until November 2024 is going to be the longest three decades any of us have ever experienced in American politics. My latest “Beyond the Briefing” video is titled “Don’t Let the Internet Make You a Constipated Caricature” and explains why we can’t let this slog get us down. We’ve got to be sharper than ever. And we need to have some fun doing it or this is going to get ugly in a hurry. This is an excellent time to hop on for the VIP experience. You can subscribe here with the promo code STOPJOE24 and receive a whopping 50% discount (That’s half off to you and me, Russ). I’ve been lobbying the Mothership to go all throwback and give away free toasters too, but everybody is low carb these days.

The world is so off the rails that I may be the last roadblock to insanity for many people. I make it fun though.

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Everything Isn’t Awful

Smart bird.

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Smells Like Onion

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Kabana Comedy & Tunes

I haven’t been a huge fan of the Corden era, especially as a follow up to Craig Ferguson. That being said, I have enjoyed some of the Carpool Karaoke vids for some dumb fun. Also, Adele has a working-class London trucker mouth. It’s wonderful.