Obviously, Kruiser isn’t here this morning. You get me instead. And why is that, you might ask? Anyone who knows Kruiser and his yearly visits to CPAC shouldn’t have to ask that question. I heard it may or may not have involved belly dancers, a missed flight, and ouzo, but what do I know? I wasn’t at CPAC this year. Oh no! While my coworkers were partying with Ron DeSantis and 45, I was searching out a cheaper laundromat—the nice one in town is for the 1% who don’t mind throwing away $7 a load— for the fourth week in a row since the parts for my washing machine are sitting in a harbor somewhere on a container ship because LET’S GO BRANDON. I’m not bitter at all.
In fact, when Kruiser contacted me with a sob story about not being able to get this thing in the hopper in time, I was thrilled to jump in and help because I’m a team player, despite having been left behind in the middle of a snow squall in New York while the cool kids partied in Orlando. Speaking of snow squalls, do you know what that’s like? Let me explain.
As I was struggling to load my minivan with two baskets full of piping hot clothes from the dryer, my freshly cleaned and dried clothes were covered in about an inch of snow in the 4.5 seconds it took me to get from the door of the Suds-N-Save to the car. Snow squalls are not something I ever experienced in the Midwest, but here in rural New York, the snow squall is legendary. It’s fabulous to watch from my window overlooking a frozen lake. Massive snow tornados will just appear out of nowhere and sweep across the country fields. It’s magnificent. But when I’m driving in it, it’s an exercise in sheer terror.
On the way home from the laundromat—for the second time in one weekend because my son decided to clean up a squished blackberry incident with one of my decorative throw pillows— I experienced two vastly different seasons in one twenty-minute drive. One stretch of road was perfectly clear with blue spring skies, only to come around a corner to encounter two inches of snow on the road and visibility near zero. This went on and off for fifteen miles with no warning. You haven’t experienced terror until you’re cruising at 55 on perfect roads only to find yourself headed too fast down a mountain and into a blizzard-nado with semis coming the other direction—while cursing Kruiser for being unconscious on a plane somewhere.
But enough about me and my first-world problems. One bit of sunshine is that I won’t be washing masks for much longer since Mommy Dearest (or Governor Kathy Hochul as people insist on calling her) has announced that the kids can take off the masks this Wednesday. NOT TODAY…oh no. COVID-19 only ceases to be a problem on Wednesday—the day after the State of the Union address. For the next two days, our children must display their obedience to the nonsensical lady with the painted-on eyebrows. Jesus, take the wheel and hand me a Xanax because I’m finding it difficult not to slap somebody—even if it will land me in the clink.
But let’s get to the reason you’re here…which is not to hear my melodramatic mutterings but to be told, in no uncertain terms, what it is you should be reading and talking about today.
Everything Isn’t Awful
When facing snow squalls, the luckiest place in the world is behind the snowplows. Thank God for these heroes. They are truly the greatest public servants and I’d like to buy them a round of drinks after this week’s nonstop storms. There’s nothing I like better than watching my tax money go to worthwhile causes. It happens so rarely.
This video is proof of why the SAFEST place to be during a #snow event is BEHIND the plow where the road is freshly cleared and treated. #Albany Division utilizing the tow plow and echelon plowing to clear 3 lanes at once. If you must travel today, #DontCrowdThePlow. pic.twitter.com/qHlUR919kJ
— NYS Thruway Authority (@NYSThruway) February 25, 2022
PJ MEDIA
Matt Margolis had to rub in how much I missed at CPAC…dammit.
The Amazing Black History I (Didn’t) Learn at CPAC (because I wasn’t there) but Chris Queen did
Japanese Conservatives Fight for Liberty (at CPAC where I wasn’t) in the Land of the Rising Sun
Trump Hits Grand Slam at CPAC (that I didn’t hear because I wasn’t there)
TOWNHALL MOTHERSHIP
Biden Could Stop the Russians Today Just Like Reagan
New York to Free School Children from Mask Mandate
No Surrender: It’s a New Day in Kyiv…And Russians Forces Have Failed Again in Taking the City
VIP
Ukrainian Refugees? I Still Have My Afghan Refugees Decorations Up!
Sanity: At CPAC, We Don’t Care About Preferred Pronouns
Fear Porn: It’s Called the ‘BA.2 Subvariant,’ and It’s Coming for You!
VodkaPundit: Vladimir Putin, National Honor, and the Folly of War
New Guy: Biden is Officially The World’s Worst Magician With This Latest Trick
BEE ME
Sudden Spike In Women Advocating For Traditional Gender Roles Now That WW3 Startinghttps://t.co/6bahUTBzdd
— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) February 28, 2022
FOX DEN
I’ve always wanted an app that would read me articles that I want to read but would rather listen to while I do dishes or vacuuming. Nothing like that exists, so I became the app for my YouTube audience. Maybe you’d like to be read to while you do the dishes. Here I am reading to you Lee Smith’s most recent article on Tablet about WW3 and how this sh*tshow happened. If you like it, subscribe and let me know in the comments how many chores you got done, or your thoughts on other articles you’d like to hear me read to you. I intend to do a lot more of these and always welcome your suggestions. I have fun on my YouTube channel and am rarely serious, spending more time on pop culture and celebrity stupidity with the occasional think piece thrown in for balance. Join me!
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