Florida Man Friday: Sir, Monday Is Not 'Naked Shopping Day'

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Florida Man accused of stripping naked in HomeGoods store, saying he 'had to do it'

It was your typical Monday at HomeGoods where Florida Man dropped trou (and everything else), while explaining to a weirdly totally clothed woman, "I'm sorry, I have to do this."

No sir, you do not.

For whatever reason, management called the police. By the time the cops arrived, Florida Man was nowhere to be found. The helpful folks at HomeGoods explained that he'd made his naked way to the Aldi in the same shopping complex.

It's just smart to combine your naked shopping trips and save on gas.

Officers caught up with him at the Aldi entrance and "noticed a pair of white shoes and a pair of underwear near the entrance of the HomeGoods."

Florida Man explained that those were his clothes, and that he'd had to remove them because they were smoking. He also said his bicycle was smoking, but officers were unable to locate a bike, smoking or otherwise. 

Here's a nifty detail: Lee County Sheriff's Office records show that Florida Man has been arrested at least 28 times just in Lee County since 2002.

"I don't really expect to go HomeGoods and see some naked man in the middle of the aisle," one shopper told Gulf Coast News. She must be one of those New Jersey transplants.

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Public Nudity, Way to Take the L, Face/Neck Tattoos, Recidivism, Dude You OK? (7)

TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.

Solid start. 

Heeeeere's Johnny

Florida Man accused of using hammer, electric trimmer to break through shared wall

This is about the scariest thing I've ever come across collecting my FMF tabs for the week.

Florida Mom was asleep when something woke her, and she hollered at Florida Daughter, "It sounds like they're coming through the walls. Sounds like a skill saw, or I don't know what."

Florida Man's place shares a wall with their — I suppose they live in a duplex — and he was cutting through it with, of all things, a hammer and an electric trimmer.

In the audio recording, a voice can be heard saying, "I'm going to make this very, very hard for you..." accompanied by sounds of banging, cutting, and laughter.

"He didn’t physically come through the wall," Florida Daughter said. "I don’t know if he tried to stick his arm through there or not, but the hole is in the wall."

Police showed up quickly, but Florida Man had barricaded himself in his side of the duplex and threatened to shoot them.

They eventually talked him out, and he didn't have any guns.

Still, that's the first time I ever got the creeps from an electric trimmer.

SCORE: Trespassing, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Make Your Own Drive-Thru, Stand-Off, Glamor Mugshot, Impersonation (Jack from The Shining). (7)

RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points. 

Exclusively for our VIPs: They Want to Save Us From AI. Who Saves Us From Them?

Worst. Pickup Line. Ever.

McDonald's customer threatens woman rejecting his bathroom invite

Did you ever try to flirt with someone, only to have it end up with an aggravated assault charge?

No? Really? Maybe you need to get out more.

Anyway, Florida Man was dining by himself at a local pickup spot called McDonald's when a lovely young woman caught his eye. But there's a twist to their meet-cute: She was there with another guy.

While Florida Couple ordered their food at the kiosk, Florida Man kept giving her that come-hither look, but to no avail. After having his subtle advances ignored, Florida Man approached her and coyly asked if she'd come to the bathroom with him.

Wouldn't you know it, she continued playing hard-to-get. 

The woman still wasn't interested, even after Florida Man suavely added, "You're going to die and I'm going to shoot your boyfriend."

Florida Couple left, called the cops, and Florida Man was arrested shortly.

But you know what? I bet that in the end, those two crazy kids make it work.

SCORE: Class Act, Should Have Taken the L, Dillhole, Glamor Mugshot. (4)

RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Woman tosses bucket of feces on neighbor in love triangle

Maybe She Didn't Know That Was Wrong

You know what I hate?

You know how sometimes you and your honey are enjoying a pleasant evening of clam strips and excessive drinking and domestic battery at the Salt Shack and you're having a fine time just yelling away at him and hitting him all over when this other customer rudely interrupts to tell you her Meta glasses are recording the whole thing which is a huge invasion of privacy especially since your boyfriend is married so you get up and leave but then you have to come right back because you forgot your purse and also to hit and yell at your boyfriend some more but these people are all getting in your way and saying stupid stuff like "you can't do that here" and "we're calling the cops" and "I hope my Meta glasses don't run out of memory" so you take off again but you still didn't get your purse which has your ID in it but it's OK because even though the cops ID'd you your boyfriend said he "declined to prosecute" which is maybe the most romantic thing you ever heard but they arrest you anyway and all the papers have to say is that you're the same lady who got arrested back in March for being passed-out drunk in your kid's pickup line at school.

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: The Villages, Class Act, Drugs/Alcohol, Caught on Video, Fleeing the Scene, Returning to the Scene, Domestic Bliss, Recidivism, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes. (9)

RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points. 

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

Bro really said: "I can work with this" pic.twitter.com/RmS52ksORx

— ฿₳₮₮ⱠɆ ฿ɎⱤĐ (@BattleByrd) September 15, 2026

What is a hero?

At least in part, a hero is someone who, through decisions and actions taken of his own accord, inspires others to do more and to do better in their lives.

By that measure, Florida Man is my new hero. 

I will do more and better; I vow to you on this solemn day. 

SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Water Hazard, Caught on Video, Went Viral, Way to take the W (New! And long overdue), and let's also give him a You Fled on THAT? because why not. (8)

RUNNING TOTAL: 35 FMF Points.

Finally, I would like to thank everyone who sent this video, which was literally everyone. 

Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Power of Positive Thinking vs. SWAT

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 35 points for a respectable average of 7 FMF points.

I'm so old, I remember when 35 was a big score.

Meanwhile, in Kansas...

Brutal golf course fight produces one of the most gruesome mugshots you will ever see

If I ever start a punk band, it will consist of four middle-aged white guys and be called Golf Course Fight.

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday

P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Kevin Downey Jr. at 4 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.