It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn that positive thinking isn't all that powerful, how to outdo the "I thought this was America" meme, and what it takes these days to be a true 49ers fan.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man’s "No Police Will Come to Me" Note Ages Poorly
Sometimes when you're an up-and-coming drug dealer, you acquire an impressive inventory of things that you either shouldn't have or that you obtained in ways you really shouldn't have.
In Florida Man's case, his apartment was home to nearly 850 grams of fentanyl (which is maybe 400,000 lethal doses), nearly three pounds of methamphetamine, nearly three pounds of powder cocaine, two ounces of crack cocaine, a half-ounce of marijuana, and about $12,000 in cash.
It's hard to believe there weren't any firearms — until you learn the preparations Florida Man had made instead.
He wrote — and this is a precise and accurate quote — "No police will come to me" in his notebook.
Well, what are the police supposed to do against a powerful incantation like that one?
Get a warrant and have the SWAT guys come to him, which is exactly what they did.
Best part? Somebody from the Jacksonville Sheriff's Department wrote "Not how that works" on the department's Facebook post.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Burned by Grady Sheriff T.K. Waters, Drugs/Alcohol, Criminal Mastermind, Way to Take the L, Entrepreneurship, Glamor Mugshot, Famous Last Words. (7)
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
Everybody Needs a Hobby
Florida Man arrested wearing G-string, sneakers in Target parking lot
After all these years, Florida Man finally outdid the South Park meme.
Sure, some random weirdo from any old state could get arrested in a Target parking lot wearing his tighty whities, but Florida Man did it in a g-string:
The police report said a Seminole County deputy responded to a call Sunday night about a man outside of his car touching himself.
The responding deputy identified him as 41-year-old Florida Man.
He told the deputy he was outside his car changing because he got wet.
Inside Florida Man's car, the deputy found a backpack full of women’s underwear, as well as sex toys.
He was taken into custody and charged with ‘indecent exposure.’
But wait, there's more.
Florida Man didn't just get caught one-upping the South Park meme; he also got caught doing the James Franco meme: "Florida Man has a conviction from another Florida county from last year -- also for indecent exposure of sexual organs."
Sexual Organs is also the name of my punk revival band.
SCORE: Likely Story, Class Act, Public Nudity, Way to Take the L, Walmart/Target/Dollar General, Recidivism, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes, Glamor Mugshot. (8)
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Five Perfect Little Thrillers You Might Have Missed or Forgotten
Is That a Bottle of Wine in Your Pants?
Ladies and gentlemen, Sheriff Grady Judd.
Just click Play, sit back, and enjoy the show.
SCORE: Burned by Grady, Drugs/Alcohol, Surveillance Video, Criminal Mastermind, Likely Story, You Hid It WHERE? Convenience/Liquor Store, Instant Karma, Demerit for the Yellowtail Chard, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot. (11)
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points
Such a simple story. Such a high score. This is why I love Florida Man Friday.
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man Drives Into Bicyclist at a Taco Bell Parking Lot Then Flees
No reports of drugs in the story, but it did remind me of something I realized years ago. And it's that you have to respect Taco Bell for embracing its reputation as stoner food, but you should also maybe avoid the drive-thru for the same reason.
Maybe She Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Woman sentenced to 90 days in jail for tormenting bicyclists in her Mercedes
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're minding your own business driving around The Villages in your Mercedes with the top down when you see these bicyclists coming the other way down the street and you've had about enough of them already because they're even worse than golf carts which I like to call Village Cockroaches so anyway you punch it and steer right at them and one of the cyclists starts waving his hand at you to slow it down which is funny as hell so you cuss and flip them off as you speed by real close which was so much fun that you circle around to do it again and this time you get your car so close that you force them off the road which is where bicyclists belong anyway and you're all shouting "bikes don’t live on this street” and "you can't tell me to slow down" but that's when you see one of them is writing down your license plate number which isn't so funny so you try backing into them before you speed back home before the cops can show up but you realize that guy must have written down your whole license plate number when the cops show up at your house so you run inside to get away but he grabs your hand and you fall into a wall on your way to the floor so you start shouting that you gotta go to the bathroom and that you soiled your pants but he still won't leave you alone and then you're sitting in cuffs which is like the least funny thing ever.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: The Villages, Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Vehicular Madness, Resisting Arrest, Fleeing the Scene, Should Have Taken the L, Glamor Mugshot, I Can Fix Her, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (10)
RUNNING TOTAL: 36 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man saves 8 abandoned puppies, finds them homes
Caution: This next report contains internet-transmissible onion fumes.
"I thought that was crazy that these eight puppies were chilling at a dumpster at a gas station," said Leslie.
A dog lover, Brendon Leslie took the less-than-2-month-old puppies to a local vet in Tupelo, Mississippi, for quick checkups and vaccinations before driving the litter to his home in Cape Coral, Fla. He shared his journey with the puppies on social media.
...
"I'm hoping through all of this that people use their voices and their activism ways to reach out to their lawmakers to push for stronger animal cruelty laws," said Leslie.
Seven of the eight puppies have found homes. The last of the litter is named Elvis and is now the newest family member of Leslie's permanent dog pack.
SCORE: I'd love to award Brendon the usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness but I just can't. Instead, he gets eight bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, one for each puppy. Plus: You Can Take the Man Out of Florida..., Went Viral, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes (for whoever abandoned those pups, even though they deserve far worse). (11)
RUNNING TOTAL: 47 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Fought the Law and the Law Won Real Good
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 47 points for a record or record-tying average of 9.4.
Wow.
Meanwhile, in California...
I didn’t know it was possible to total a car at 5 mph.
— SULLY (@SULLY10X) September 8, 2026
Santa Cruz County, CA. pic.twitter.com/kZrbLyJryW
"Are you OK, man? I saw you run into all kinds of stuff, dude."
"Then shut up."
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
