It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn how to take a totally deserved beating, why to keep it in your pants at the park, and that for some people, holstering your pistol might not be as easy as it looks.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
He fought the law and the law won.
It isn't quite clear from the report, but it looks like Florida Man was at Broward Health Medical Center awaiting transfer to Georgia, where he'd failed to appear in court for making terrorist threats. While there, the 240-pound dude with the face tats got violent and told a uniformed cop, "I want to fight you."
So they fought. And honestly, I don't think I've seen anybody's face that messed up since the infamous vise scene in Martin Scorsese's Casino.
IYKYK.
Authorities actually had to prop him upright to take the booking photo.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Went Viral, Assaulting a Cop, Should Have Taken the L, Face/Neck Tattoos, Famous Last Words, Instant Karma, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot (times infinity). And, what the heck, let's give a bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness to the police officer. (9)
TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
No, Not That Richard Dawson
Once again, let's let Sheriff Grady Judd do his thing while the rest of us sit back and enjoy the show.
[FMF will pause for a minute or two while you watch the clip]
Seriously, did you think I was going to improve on Sheriff Grady with a story like this one?
SCORE: Burned by Grady, Likely Story, Public Nudity, Getting Caught Stupidly, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING? and a bonus point to Grady and his team for the production value on that one. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Five Perfect Little Thrillers You Might Have Missed or Forgotten
Everybody Has a Side Hustle These Days
Florida Man accused of exposing himself at park while filming adult content for OnlyFans
Today's big news is that apparently there's a market for videos of not-very-handsome 40-year-old men touching their private places in public places.
And when caught, they can be remarkably polite about it:
Florida Nan was arrested Saturday morning after allegedly exposing himself at a local park to film adult content for OnlyFans.
According to an arrest affidavit from the Pinellas County Sheriff's Office, 40-year-old Florida Man was arrested around 5 a.m. at a park located along the 7400 block of 25th Street in Saint Petersburg.
Deputies say a victim observed him under a park pavilion with his pants down and touching himself. When the victim confronted him, Florida Man apologized and agreed to remain at the scene until law enforcement officers arrived.
Exit quote: "Investigators stated that both before and after being read his Miranda rights, Florida Man admitted to having exposed himself, explaining to deputies that he was actively filming content for the platform OnlyFans when the bystander sat down nearby."
Be careful where you sit.
SCORE: Class Act, Public Nudity, Way to Take the L, Getting Caught Stupidly, Instant Karma, Glamor Mugshot, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man angry over neighbor’s unscooped dog poop threw feces at him, threatened him with kid’s scooter
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Naked Florida Man found trespassing in private pool bites deputy after arrest
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're bored and maybe on a little something so you decide to kill a little time just being weird at some local store until the cops show up and trespass you right out of there which is when you figure that wasn't so bad so what else could you do to kill a little time on a Tuesday afternoon which is when you take off all your clothes and just walk around like that for a bit until you see this nice house with a swimming pool which is when you figure you're already dressed right for skinny dipping and there's a pool right there but somebody must've called the cops again because they show up at the pool and they're all like "you gotta get out of the pool and put on some pants" and next thing you know they're hauling you out but you're giving it back to them pretty good even though your junk's all hanging out but that's when they tase you but not in the junk thank goodness so next thing you know you're at the hospital and fair's fair so you bite one of the cops real hard on the arm so he has to go to the hospital too which is cool but you'd still like to know where your pants are?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Trespassing, Went Viral, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Tasered/Pepper Sprayed/Rubber Bullet, Assaulting a Cop, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Water Hazard, Public Nudity, Crime Spree, Should Have Taken the L, Dude You OK? (11)
RUNNING TOTAL: 34 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man hailed as hero after saving driver trapped at railroad crossing
This one could have come straight out of a movie:
A camera captured the dramatic rescue as the driver tried to back away from the tracks. She says her car’s antenna became caught on the crossing’s security gate arm, preventing her from getting clear.
That’s when Josiah Baur ran to help.
Baur lifted the gate arm, giving the driver enough room to back her car away from the tracks, just seconds before a train passed through the crossing.
No one was hurt.
I'm a little confused about how stuck Florida Woman really was.
Railroad crossing gates are built with a breakaway connection to the mechanism, precisely to avoid a situation where a car might get trapped. And antennae aren't exactly made of vibranium.
My guess is that Florida Woman just didn't know to give it enough gas — but that still means she was stuck on the tracks, and that Florida Hero Josiah Baur was certainly a hero that day.
Exit quote: "The incident serves as a reminder of the dangers of stopping on railroad tracks. Drivers should never stop on the tracks for any reason."
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness for Florida Man, and a WTF Were You Even THINKING? for Florida Woman, Vehicular Madness, Caught on Video. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 40 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Did What We All Want to Do to Cyclists Sometimes
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 40 points for another big, even average of eight FMF points.
Meanwhile, in New York...
Off-duty NYPD cop accidentally shoots himself in leg inside Bronx home
They keep telling me that only police are well-trained enough to be trusted with firearms:
Police responded to a home on Bailey Avenue in the Kingsbridge section shortly after 1 p.m. when a 33-year-old man was found conscious and alert with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to his left leg, authorities said.
The NYPD did not immediately name the victim, but family members identified him as [REDACTED].
What did New York Cop do to piss off his family enough to ID him to the press?
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Chris Queen at 4 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
