It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn the worst excuse for super-speeding, how to get lucky with Sheriff Grady, and the perfect thing to wear to a robbery in Tennessee.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man caught speeding claimed he was rushing to Buc-ee's bathroom
Florida's Super Speeder law went into effect last summer for anybody caught driving 50 or more over the posted limit, or 100 or more anywhere. Even a first conviction is worth up to 30 days in jail and a $500 fine.
Some folks still haven't gotten the word, like Florida Man here who got pulled over doing 117 down I-95 on a lovely looking Saturday afternoon, changing lanes like a madman, and doing all the other stupid, reckless things that guys doing 117 through 70 MPH traffic have to do.
Police say he had a good reason to go that fast. He really had to go that badly. And he really needed to go that badly in the bathroom at Buc-ee's.
Here's the kicker: The Buc-ee's was 60 miles away. Even at 117, that's still a good half-hour away. Something about his story stinks.
"The bathrooms at Buc-ee’s are exceptionally clean, however you should probably be a little closer than 60 miles from your restroom destination when using it as an excuse for speeding," the sheriff's office said.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Super Speeder (new!), Vehicular Madness, Likely Story, Convenience/Liquor Store, Instant Karma, Dillhole, Burned by Grady Ivey. (7)
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
Road Rage, Florida Man Style
Florida Man in SUV Swerves Into Cyclists, Hits One, Then Fires a Shot
Let me see a show of hands from everybody who ever wanted to hit a cyclist with their car.
Yikes. That's a lot of hands.
But we stay in our lane — unlike certain cyclists — because hitting them with your car is wrong.
Yes, even when it's a gentle nudge, like Florida Man did in the video above.
But then he fired a shot in the cyclist's direction, too, which I think we can all agree is wrong.
Um... where'd those hands go?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Caught on Video, Went Viral, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Way to Take the L, Hold My Beer, Glamor Mugshot, We Know Exactly What You Were WTF Were You Even THINKING? (8)
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Thursday Essay: A Tale of Two Cities
Not So Lucky
As I like to do with Sheriff Grady Judd's YouTube shorts, I'll just let the man speak and you enjoy.
There's really no improving on the best.
SCORE: Burned by Grady, Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol, Suspended License, Resisting Arrest, Getting Caught Stupidly, Probation Violation, Face/Neck Tattoos, Outstanding Warrant(s), Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot (times three!). (13)
RUNNING TOTAL: 28 FMF Points
I do believe that's a record-tying score.
Bonus Florida Headline: Wrongly jailed Florida Woman a victim of police abuse of Flock
Ma'am, This Is Not a TGI Friday's
Florida Woman loses license after DUI in pickup line at charter school
True story.
I used to show up at my sons' elementary school 40 minutes or more before school let out, and park in a prime location at or near the front of the pickup line. When the bell rang, the kids would come out, hop right in the car, and we were gone.
It's just that I'd rather spend 40 minutes parked with a laptop, getting some work done, than spend 15-20 minutes stuck in stop-and-go traffic.
I did this four days a week for a decade, and literally my only complaint was that the pickup line lacked a beverage cart.
Just imagine it. You pull up to the school, and a hot stewardess (this is my fantasy, after all) comes by with a little plastic cup with some ice and one of those airplane minis of Dewars. One drink, 40 minutes, just enough to take the edge off... perfection.
Or you could do what Florida Woman did [lightly edited for brevity and anonymity]:
Florida Woman was found in the after-care pickup line at The Villages Charter K-8 campus, allegedly slumped over the center console while the vehicle’s engine was running.
A deputy opened the car’s door but did not get a response from Florida Woman. She finally mumbled a response after a deputy shook her by the shoulders.
Noting that the California native appeared to have been drinking, a deputy reported smelling the “strong odor of an alcoholic beverage coming from her breath.” She agreed to take part in field sobriety exercises, but allegedly stumbled backward during the exercises and almost fell to the ground.
When deputies tried to place her into a patrol car, she allegedly pulled away.
“Take me home,” she told the deputies.
Nah, you're going to jail.
Hopefully Dad picked up the kids. And no Dewars.
SCORE: Class Act, Drugs/Alcohol, Resisting Arrest, The Villages, Domestic Bliss, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 35 FMF Points.
(My apologies, but there was no story worth the "Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong" treatment this week. And if there's one thing we don't do here on Florida Man Friday, it's lower our standards for low standards.)
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Woman Fights Off Attacker During Jog, Suspect Caught Within 30 Minutes
I love these stories when it's so much more than "would-be victim fights off attacker."
Check it out:
According to Clay County Sheriff Michelle Cook, the woman was jogging when she passed Florida Attacker, whom she did not know. Authorities say he grabbed her from behind, dragged her into a wooded area, threw her to the ground and began forcibly removing her clothing. The woman fought back, escaped and ran to a nearby home, where residents called 911.
What followed was a neighborhood search involving deputies, a Florida Highway Patrol trooper, undercover narcotics detectives and residents who provided information about Florida Attacker's movements. Authorities said he was taken into custody within about 30 minutes.
Cook praised the woman's response, describing her courage as remarkable and crediting her actions with helping authorities locate the suspect.
So not only did Florida Woman fend off her attacker, but she kept her head on straight long enough for locals and the authorities to put together a posse to arrest him in the same amount of time Domino's used to guarantee for a pizza delivery.
America, baby.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Florida Woman, another three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to everyone — authorities and civilians alike — involved in the quick capture, Police Chase, Hide & Seek, Master of Disguise, Glamor Mugshot. (10)
RUNNING TOTAL: 45 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Friends, Romans, Florida Man, Lend Me Your Ear
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 45 points for — wow! — an average of 9.
If that isn't a record, I'm pretty sure it's record-tying.
Meanwhile, in Tennessee...
Burglar dressed in cow onesie steals vapes from Tennessee smoke shop https://t.co/fckxtHexQF pic.twitter.com/Neupkg3pa5
— New York Post (@nypost) August 26, 2026
Let me see a show of hands for who's gonna cast the first stone at Tennessee Man.
Wow, that's even more hands than last time.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
