It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn that the human body is not an ATM, what not to wave at the police, and that there is at least one cowboy left in California.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman accused of biting part of husband’s ear off during argument
So you know how sometimes you and your honey get into a big argument, and when they won't concede the logic and factual basis of your position, you prove it by biting off part of their ear?
No?
Well, this is Florida Woman, so of course, the story doesn't end (or start) there.
They were driving in the minivan. With the kids.
It gets better:
After returning from a party in Fort Lauderdale, Florida Woman, her husband, and their kids were inside a vehicle on Interstate 95 when an argument about personal issues and problems in their relationship ensued.
Florida Husband told the Broward County Sheriff that Baker began calling him derogatory names before he said, “Who is the one with a felony?”
Let us pause here not just for laughter, but to consider just how bad Florida Husband is at being in a relationship. Honestly, she now looks like the thoughtful one.
According to an arrest report, Florida Woman then hit him in the face before grabbing his face with both hands and biting his right ear, tearing off a part of it.
The husband told the deputy that he was in shock and bleeding, so he drove to the nearest hospital.
Florida Husband confirmed that their children, a 7-year-old and a 1-year-old, were inside the vehicle during the incident.
Finally: "Florida Woman admitted to biting his ear and further told deputies she retrieved the detached part of the ear and provided it to medical personnel when they arrived at the hospital."
See? I told you she's the thoughtful one. Even if she does have a felony.
Or two.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Went Viral, Domestic Bliss, Class Act, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Vehicular Madness, Reattachment Plastic Surgery, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), I Can Fix Her, Glamor Mugshot, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes. (10)
TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
That somehow seems low to me. Does that seem low to you?
The Guy She's Cheating With Must Be Quick, Too
Florida Man accused of driving 110 mph claimed he was speeding to catch his cheating girlfriend
There really isn't too much to say about this one.
The girl did something stupid. The guy did something stupid. But he pulled right over and cooperated with the police like a man.
So what makes this one worthy of Florida Man Friday, aside from breaking Florida's "super speeder" law?
This line, caught on video from the back of the cruiser: "I’m just in shock right now. I’m in the back of a cop car listening to Boss Man D-Lo at one o’clock in the morning to catch my cheating girlfriend. Now, I’m going to get bailed out by her."
Oof.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Police Bodycam, Way to Take the L, Domestic Bliss, Famous Last Words. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: All I Need Now Is a Letter of Marque and a Sloop of War
Please Forgive Me for the Sins I Am About to Commit
Florida Woman posing as bank worker had $3,200 hidden in 'private ATM' at jail
Before we get started on this one, a few words.
Should you decide to click the link to check out the full Fox13, I'd like to have your thanks in advance for including this old Jack & Karen clip instead of the police images that accompany the original report.
You're welcome.
Now then:
Martin County Sheriff's Office deputies arrested Florida Woman after they say she went to a resident's home and claimed their account was compromised.
...
Deputies investigating that incident were alerted to a second call that identified her as a suspect. She was charged with scheme to defraud, felony use of a two-way communication device, and fraudulent use of a credit or debit card without consent involving a victim 60 years or older.When Florida Woman was being booked into jail, authorities said they discovered $3,200 in cash hidden in a female body cavity.
This seems like an additional detail readers could have gone without: "Authorities also said that at some point the cash will be back in public circulation."
Also, while the story says the cash was hidden "hidden in a female body cavity," I hope they meant it was "hidden in her female body cavity," and not a spare she had lying around.
Finally, if you didn't click through to Fox13, I'll just tell you this much: the $3,200 could very well have been in small bills.
SCORE: Criminal Mastermind, Surveillance Video, Should Have Taken the L, You Hid It WHERE?, Glamor Mugshot, a Demerit to Fox13 for the needless additional detail, and a Demerit to myself for literally everything else. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points
I'm going to hell for this one, aren't I?
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man told ChatGPT he'd murder his ex. OpenAI alerted the FBI
So much for "snitches get stitches."
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man accused of exposing himself, throwing TV at deputies: ‘Imma kill y'all’
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you might have taken some stuff or smoked some other stuff or maybe there was some liquor involved which is why it suddenly seems completely necessary to barricade yourself in your own apartment just in case the police show up which is when you're looking at the TV and realize it doesn't really go there so you pick it up and try it on the balcony but it doesn't really go there either so you throw it off and maybe it hits a car way down below which was pretty fun so you start throwing other stuff off of there like maybe a toaster or whatever and that's when you realize just how smart you were to plan in advance because wouldn't you know it the police did happen by and they're all like "you have to come out with your hands up" and "stop throwing stuff" and "you hit my cruiser" and "can we just talk" so you give them something they can talk to by pulling out your thing and maybe waving it at them a little but I guess they didn't like that because the SWAT guys break in and you're all like "Imma kill y'al" which they really didn't like because they shoot you with one of those rubber bullets and the next thing you know you got the cuffs on again?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Class Act, Public Nudity, Tasered/Pepper Sprayed/Rubber Bullet (partly new!), Resisting Arrest, Caught on Video, Instant Karma, Glamor Mugshot, Dude You OK? (9)
RUNNING TOTAL: 31 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
4 lifeguards, good Samaritan honored for rescuing unresponsive 80-year-old at Hialeah public pool
Caution: More than the usual number of heroes were involved in the making of this story.
The water emergency happened at the new Bucky Dent Pool. The 80-year-old victim went out for a swim when the sunny day took a dangerous turn.
“We recognized a man in distress on the water. He was passive, he wasn’t reacting, and the lifeguards immediately took initiative to try and get the swimmer out the water,” said lifeguard Rayan Elommal. “We immediately started our emergency action program so that we could get things done, and thankfully we were able to save the man and get a good positive outcome out of it.”
The lifeguards received help from Palmer, a Hialeah resident and veteran, as the five of them jumped into action and brought the elderly man out of the water.
“I’m just grateful for the recognition, grateful to have been part of helping save a man’s life,” said Palmer.
The rescuers kept the swimmer stable with CPR until rescue crews arrived.
It's almost like you have to stand in line to perform an act of heroism in Hialeah.
Impressive.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Water Hazard, The Elderly. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 36 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Wet the Cop, Not the Bed
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 36 points for a now-respectable average of 7.2.
Meanwhile, in California...
Runaway bull sparks wild California highway chase - until a cowboy comes to the rescue https://t.co/NRPoB7U2Jc pic.twitter.com/04g1jBKFmB
— New York Post (@nypost) August 21, 2026
A Cowboy in Wyoming story? No big deal. But a Cowboy in California story? What's he still doing there?
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Cam Edwards at 4 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
