It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have a bag full of lies (and drugs), the guy you don't cut in front of at the buffet, and Colorado Man's ill-fated visit to Mar-a-Lago.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman hides drugs in bag labeled 'definitely not a bag full of drugs'
I feel so lied to.
Florida Woman was arrested two weeks ago after a traffic stop for possessing "trafficking amounts of methamphetamine," had a bunch of charges filed against her, and was then released on a $15,500 bond.
Not to be outwitted by police a second time, Florida Woman put her next trafficable batch of drugs in a bag clearly labeled "Definitely Not a Bag Full of Drugs." She was out with a friend who also got pulled over for some traffic offense or other, Florida Friend consented to a vehicle search, not knowing Florida Woman had anything illicit on her. The bag did say, "Definitely Not a Bag Full of Drugs" in big, friendly letters, after all — and it isn't like Florida Friend can't read.
Police somehow saw right through the disguise; this time, Florida Woman was not released on bond.
Florida ain't New York City, Jack.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Master of Disguise, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Solid start to the week.
He Said, 'No Cuts'
Florida Man Starts Physical Fight After Getting Cut Off In Buffet Line
You've been moving through the wedding reception buffet line at the lovely Boca Lago Country Club when your daughter and her friend ask if they can cut in front of you. They're hungry kids and the wedding was a long one. So of course you let them cut the line.
NO. YOU TELL THOSE TWO BRATS TO WAIT THEIR TURN.
It's for their own good, really. Or at least yours.
Because standing behind you in line is the guy in the mugshot above and, if he isn't actually drooling and sharpening his knives in anticipation of the prime rib, he certainly gives that impression. In fact, when you get past the carving station and to the dessert, it would be wise to grab three chocolate mousses and give him two of them.
Nah, better make it all three.
Because what happened was, the nice dad did let his daughter and her friend cut the line and then Florida Man whacked him in the head with a plate, followed by a brawl "involving multiple wedding guests."
It was a "dry" reception — no alcohol was served — so no wonder everybody was so on edge.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Country Club, Glamor Mugshot, and a WTF Were You Even THINKING? for not at least serving a decent red with the prime rib.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Another Monty Python Joke Just Became a Reality in Mississippi
Dude, Stay Down
Machete-wielding Florida Man loses 6-minute fight with police, officer's gun fired
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're at this condo complex with your machete and that stupid valet is giving you a hard time but you've got the machete so you give him a little cut on the face to remind him who the big guy is but he calls the cops for whatever reason like that matters because you've got this cunning plan where you sit behind the concierge desk like that one terrorist in Die Hard who disguised himself as the night security guard but when the cop shows up it's like they just know you're the bad guy so you come at him with the machete so he tases you and you drop the machete but then you just start brawling with that cop and you get his gun just enough to squeeze off a round but he won't give up until these other cops show up and after six minutes you're still holding your own until they finally get the cuffs on you and then you're in jail with all these other dudes and no machete.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Tasered, Resisting Arrest, Should Have Taken the L, Master of Disguise, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Item: Send Beer!
Oh Florida… ❄️ pic.twitter.com/5mi8GNLKCY
— Ginger Gaetz (@GingerLGaetz) January 24, 2025
Dial 'M' for... You Know
Florida Man arrested after making video calls to strangers while masturbating
Florida Man went full Jeffrey Toobin. You never go full Jeffrey Toobin.
Over a period of a couple of months, Florida Man randomly dialed three different numbers while playing with himself. They were video calls, naturally. Because otherwise, why bother?
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to take a screencap and it isn't like the phone company doesn't keep records so, yeah, he's totally busted.
The story points out that Florida Man is originally from Tennessee but he doesn't seem to have called random strangers with one hand until he moved to Florida. Previously, Florida Man had been charged with masturbating at a woman from his car — so this time, it's a felony.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Getting Caught Stupidly, Recidivism, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Local teenager delivering pediatric medical technology to other countries
What an impressive young man:
Like most kids his age, Brody Galloway likes to stay active. He enjoys running and biking competitively, he’s also the drummer in a band.
But what you wouldn’t know is that he's living with a rare congenital heart defect.
“I’ve had 10 heart surgeries in my life, three of those being open heart surgeries, seven being catheter procedures,” he explains.
The Suncoast High School senior says he feels fortunate to live close to hospitals equipped to perform these lifesaving procedures, but he knows that’s not the case for children in other countries.
“When I was in the hospital my sophomore year, I’d had a catheter procedure to replace a stent, and I was chatting with a nurse of mine, and she was saying she had to fly many people in from out of the country to have procedures, because where they were, they didn't have the proper technology, so we wanted to help.”
That’s when Brody started Envision MedTech, at first as a school club, but now the nonprofit is providing pediatric medical equipment to hospitals in Honduras.
More: "To date, Brody says they have helped save 13 lives and donated more than 5,000 medical devices."
Did I mention Brody is just 18 years old?
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness for Brody. I'd love to award another 5,000 for each medical device but, since that's a little absurd, I'm going to award three more for each of the open-heart surgeries he survived — and turned into something awesome.
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Her Bag of Drugs Was Labeled 'Bag of Drugs'
Quite the switcheroo, eh?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 25 points for a respectable average of five.
Meanwhile, Colorado Man...
...was arrested after Secret Service spotted him jump wall at Trump's Mar-a-Lago
Florida, would you do Colorado a favor and keep him? He'll fit right in.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the Five O'Clock Somewhere VIP Gold Live Chat at 3 p.m. Eastern today with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Kevin Downey Jr. There will be day drinking.
