"Gentlemen, we have to find something new to tax," John Cleese's politician character told the gathered officials in a classic Monty Python sketch. An official played by Terry Jones piped up, "If I might put my head on the chopping block so you can kick it around a bit, sir... Well, most things we do for pleasure nowadays are taxed, except one."
"What do you mean?"
"Well," Jones explained, "smoking's been taxed, drinking's been taxed but not... thingy."
After everyone finally figured out that Jones was talking about sex, Eric Idle added, "Ah, thingy. Well, it'll certainly make chartered accountancy a much more interesting job."
Enter, stage left, Mississippi State Sen. Bradford Blackmon (D-Jackson) whose new bill would impose a fine on the next best thing to thingy... you know... the kind of thingy that involves just one person. Blackmon will have us paying off the national debt with just the fines collected from the student body at local Northwest Rankin High School.
"Keep the government out of our bedrooms," they used to say. Now they're going to have to inspect the sheets.
According to The Hill, "The first penalty would be $1,000, the second one would be $5,000, and a fine of $10,000 would be imposed for third or subsequent offenses." As Father Guido Sarducci joked about a much smaller 25- or 35-cent fee imposed by God, "It can really amount up."
Called the "Contraception Begins at Erection Act," Blackmon's bill would (among other things I'll get to momentarily) make it unlawful for men to do the one-handed butter churn “without the intent to fertilize an embryo.” I think he means "fertilize an egg" but never mind because I suspect Blackmon's bill is going nowhere as fast as the solo act that he'd fine.
Perhaps a bit too clever by half, Blackmon's bill is trying to make a hamfisted point about access to abortion and gynecological care in his home state. "I am trying to figure out when it is okay for the government to dictate what you do in the privacy of your own home," Blackmon told Newsweek's Monica Slager. "Apparently, it is when the laws regulate men."
"You have male-dominated legislatures in Mississippi and all over the country that pass laws that dictate what a woman can and cannot do with her body."
I won't get into the semantics about the difference between what a woman does with her body and what she does with the body growing inside her body — not with a man who thinks embryos get fertilized.
In addition to fining male masturbation — where's the ERA now that we need it most? — would seem to outlaw recreational sex. Except Blackmon's bill does generously provide for two carve-outs, one for men making sperm donations and the other when couples use contraception. The enforcement mechanism would likely make Big Brother blush.
Blackmon, 36, assumed office just three weeks ago — a senate seat previously held by his mother, Barbara — so maybe we should just excuse his youthful enthusiasm.
At least, until they start imposing a fine for it.
P.S. It would be unfair of me to quote a Python sketch and then not post the clip.
P.P.S.: Thank you once again for your VIP support.Recommended: Now This Is How You Bring Peace to Gaza
