It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have a little too much truth in advertising, scooter and golf cart mayhem, and New Jersey Man's flight through the overly friendly skies.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman allegedly caught with drugs in bag labeled 'Bag of Drugs'
Florida Woman and her pal were pulled over by police because Florida Woman — from the passenger seat — was rummaging around in the backseat without a seatbelt. The cop saw an open container and various drug paraphernalia. Both of them reeked of booze.
All before noon.
In Florida Woman's purse was a bag labeled "Bag of Drugs."
She wasn't kidding, either. Here's what police found inside her properly-labeled bag:
- Possession of cocaine
- Possession of crack cocaine
- Possession of methamphetamine
- Possession of hydromorphone
- Possession of alprazolam
- Possession of amphetamine/dextroamphetamine
Yep, that's a bag of drugs, all right. Me, I'm good with nothing more than a little brandy and 5mg of Valium — and I can't even get the Valium anymore.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Getting Caught Stupidly, You Hid It WHERE?, Glamor Mugshot, plus a bonus point for Truth in Advertising. That isn't a new category or anything but you can understand why I had to.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
That's One Way (Not) to Make a Getaway
Florida Man allegedly leads deputies on 2 mph 'chase' in stolen electric Walmart scooter
It seems like only last week [it was only last week, Steve —Editor] that Florida Man attempted to flee police in a golf cart, and here he is this week, attempting another getaway in a stolen Walmart scooter. Most toddlers, young enough that each step is still an adventure, could lap one of those things.
Florida Man had apparently driven the electric cart around his local Walmart, scooping up jewelry, a handheld game system, and other items. He then proceeded out the door — without paying, of course — and cruised on down the road.
The police were called and deputies somehow managed to catch up with Florida Man.
"The incident came to a slow halt in front of a Dunkin' Donuts on U.S. 98 in Lakeland," as foretold by the prophets. They just forgot to tell Florida Man. "We avoided the temptation to charge Fleeing To Elude," the Polk County Sheriff's Office because they're funny like that.
I'd like to think that each of us learned a valuable lesson today. Namely, that "unlawful possession of a shopping cart" is a thing on Florida's books.
SCORE: Recidivism, Scooter/Golf Cart, Walmart, Fleeing, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Why Are Millennials and GenXers at Higher Risk of These Cancers?
Take a Chill Pill
Florida Man Demands Pills, Threatens to Burn Down Family Home
It was a typical Thursday night in Tampa when Florida Man threatened to kill his mom and stepdad and burn their house down if they didn't give him mom's Xanax. As I said, typical Thursday night stuff.
At some point, Florida Man may or may not have crushed a rearview mirror on mom and stepdad's car. Stories seem to have changed. But this next part happened after the police arrived:
While in the deputy’s patrol car, [Florida Man] told his mom to “hide my week” and “keep his money coming.” He also told her to have his stepfather “drop the charges” or that they “we’re finna’ die while I’m in prison.”
Timing, dude.
Florida Man admitted to stealing 39 of mom's Xanax and his record includes armed robbery with a lethal weapon, possession of a firearm by a felon, and felony drug charges.
That man could use a little brandy and 5mg of Valium.
On second thought, make it 10.
SCORE: Domestic Bliss, Drugs/Alcohol, Recidvism, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: ‘Who wants that mojo on them?’: Florida Man wanted for repeatedly stealing stretchers from funeral homes
Meth Cart, Death Cart
Florida Man Caught in High-Stakes Golf Cart Chase with Police
You know what I hate?
You know how there's nothing more fun than smoking some meth and taking a golf cart out for a spin through The Villages because you can hardly get killed in one of those things but mostly because you're on a suspended license and it isn't even a Florida license but you're racing down County Road 25 when this cop sees you so you just floor it the wrong way down this street through an RV park but you can't shake that damn cop so you throw your meth pipe out on the road and pull over and show the guy your Michigan license because maybe that's all legal there but it isn't and the cop finds your meth pipe anyhow and tells you it's a big deal because you got all those other DUIs already but then VodkaPundit readers don't think it's a big deal at all because it's like the third golf cart or scooter chase in the last two weeks?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Golf Cart/Scooter, Vehicular Mayhem, Police Chase, The Villages (new but overdue!), Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, Drugs/Alcohol, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, all for a near-record 8 FMF Points.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Ernie Smith leads weekly Vets Feeding Vets in Pasco County
When I wake up in the middle of the night it's never for anything more serious than a glass of water or a quick trip to the men's room.
Ernie, on the other hand...:
Several months ago, Smith woke up in the middle of the night with an epiphany. He told his friend LeeAnne Starcher about using the building for a weekly feeding program.
“In fact, at 3 (a.m.), when I had the dream, Leanne was home. I knew she was up because we are good friends,” he said. “I called her at 5 o’clock and said, 'Meet me for breakfast, I got an idea.' And she fell in love with the idea.”
Smith and post members worked on cleaning out and sprucing up the building for several months, and they recently held a ribbon cutting for the first day of the program.
The Vets Feeding Vets program runs on Fridays from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. at 4717 Airport Rd. in Zephyrhills.
Ernie followed his dream and for that he gets...
SCORE: 3 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Was 10 Crew Members Short of Ocean's 11
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 25 points for a nice, even average of 5.
I'd just like to add that it's been another strong week for Glamor Mugshots and, for that, I think we can all lose some sleep.
Meanwhile, Somewhere Above Utah...
In fairness, this is technically New Jersey sane https://t.co/FjrQkVTzIJ
— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) August 1, 2024
You'll be shocked to learn that edibles were involved.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere VIP Gold live chat at 3 p.m. today with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ed Morrissey. There will be day drinking.
You can join the fun (and the cocktails) right here.
