Florida Man Friday: He Was 10 Crew Members Short of Ocean's 11

Florida Man on golf cart accused of drunkenly fleeing from deputy in The Villages

The last time FMF visited The Villages, it was due to reports of a huge Viagra smuggling operation. Today's crime report is somewhat less sophisticated.

Florida Man was so drunk that he was taking up both lanes on C-466 — in a golf cart. That's a bit like Robin Williams managing to cover all his chest hair with a tube top. Sure enough, the police couldn't help but notice. The next thing Florida Man knew, a local deputy was behind him in his cruiser, lights flashing and siren blaring.

Unmistakably outgunned in this scenario — beefed up police cruiser vs. Villages golf cart — Florida Man did what anyone would do and pulled over.

I'm kidding, of course. Florida Man put the pedal to the metal, and the deputy tried to cut him off with his cruiser, so Florida Man started driving on the grass to escape. But again, it was a golf cart. So the deputy got out of his car, pursued on foot, then reached in and pulled Florida Man right out.

A whiskey bottle seemed to roll out of the cart along with Florida Man, to absolutely no one's surprise.

I know what you're thinking. Alcohol. Golf cart. The Villages. Must be another one of those infamous 78-year-old New York City retirees. But no. Florida Man was just 21 and, near as I can tell, possibly a native.

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: Vehicular Mayhem, Fleeing, Drugs/Alcohol, The Villages, Golf, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.

He's Right, You Know

Florida Man charged with possession of a firearm during the commission of a felony and intent to sell marijuana

This one has a boring headline, I know — but the punchline makes it totally worthwhile.

Florida Man was cruising around, apparently selling marijuana out of his car. An Alachua County Sheriff’s deputy pulled him over, not because he appeared to be driving drunk or stoned, but because the window tint on his Charger appeared to be darker than allowed by law.

Of course, it was a Charger. Of course, the glass was tinted too dark. Might as well have had an "Up to no good" bumper sticker and a "DEALER" vanity plate. The deputy found his car was littered with weed, plus he had two scales and a pistol with a couple of mags. 

Here's the kicker.

After being Mirandized, police asked why he had the gun and Florida Man reportedly said, "This is Florida."

Yes. Yes, it is. 

SCORE: Master of Disguise, Drugs/Alcohol, Getting Caught Stupidly, Way to Take the L, Glamor Mugshot.

RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points. 

Exclusively for our VIPs: Underappreciated Albums: Steppin'

BONUS FLORIDA VIDEO

10 Crew Members Short of Ocean's 11

Florida Man Fresh Out Of Jail Cut Power At Plaza To Break Into Stores

Florida Man is suspected of no fewer than 10 burglaries in the month since he got out of jail for various domestic violence and violation of injunction charges.

Charming fellow.

He cut the power to a shopping plaza to turn off the cameras and alarms, not having heard of backup, I guess. Surveillance video showed him trying to break into a drive-thru window with a paving stone. When that didn't work, he went around the other side to try and break in with a chair. That didn't work, either, and he walked off.

For all his efforts, Florida Man eventually got away with some cash, a few valuables, and yet another arrest.

No word yet on bail, but Florida ain't New York, bub.

SCORE: Crime Spree, Recidivism, Criminal Mastermind, Surveillance Video.

RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Belarusian turned Florida man faces arraignment in Boston on charges he shipped a prohibited scientific instrument to Russia

All You Can Steal Buffet

You know what I hate?

You know when you're out kinda late doing stuff — don't ask what stuff if you know what I mean — so you slip into a Walgreens right before close to use the facilities and maybe you kinda pass out in there for a while and you can't be sure just how long except that damn you're hungry and there's no one in the store and so you're just surrounded by all this free stuff like Tostitos spinach dip and chips and Reese’s and Ghirardelli chocolate bars and Dr. Pepper and Newports and you're just having a blast in there eating and drinking and smoking which is real cool until the cops show up and then that's a lot less cool because they're going to take you out of there so you grab another box of Newports on the way out because you don't know where they're taking you or how long it's gonna be so you're all struggling against getting in that cruiser and maybe you spit on a cop because they aren't even gonna let you keep the Newports even though you got them for the road and now you're up on all these charges even though all you did was go to the bathroom.

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: Surveillance Video (formerly Caught on Video), Police Bodycam (new!)(and a video twofer), Resisting, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say but c'mon), Chutzpah.

RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points. 

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

96-year-old volunteer helps feed the hungry in Boca Raton

If this doesn't bring a smile to your face, you might be suffering from some kind of paralysis:

For nearly 15 years, this week's 'Hometown Hero' has dedicated his time to helping those in need in his community.

Art Polacheck is a beloved volunteer at Boca Helping Hands where he helps pack meal kits and fill bags of groceries for those who are struggling to put food on the table.

He’s also recently combined his love of giving back with his passion for classic cars to help raise thousands of dollars for the nonprofit.

Just a few weeks ago, Art celebrated his 96th birthday surrounded by his friends and fellow volunteers at Boca Helping Hands, doing exactly what he loves.

“When I leave here, I just feel great that I have performed something of need and of purpose, that’s why I do this,” Art says.

I'd love to give Art a bonus point for each year he's been at this but that wouldn't be fair to all the hard work Florida Man and Woman have gone through to get high scores of eight, maybe nine points. So he'll just have to settle for...

SCORE: 4 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.

RUNNING TOTAL: 24 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: Is That a Maserati, or Are You Just Happy to Rob Me?

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 24 points for a respectable average of 4.8.

And sorry about missing FMF last week. But after drunkblogging the RNC two nights in a row, I got up Friday morning, did some Instapundit stuff, then fell back asleep and somehow managed to wake up just in time for Five O'Clock Somewhere. 

Meanwhile, in Texas...

Happy Pole Assassin Day to those who observe. 🐒 pic.twitter.com/oks16qN9jk

— College Sports Only (@CollegeSportsO) October 31, 2023

Texas football coach marries his stripper girlfriend named 'pole assassin' - whose pet monkey allegedly attacked a child on Halloween

<stares blankly>

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday

P.S. Don't miss the "Five O'Clock Somewhere" VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern on Mondays and Fridays. There is sometimes a special guest and almost always day-drinking. 

You can join the cause (and the cocktails) right here.