Florida Man Friday: Is That a Maserati, or Are You Just Happy to Rob Me?

Florida Man Robs Bank in Flip Flops, Hides Cash in Maserati

This might just be The Most Florida Man Story Ever Ever. It's so perfect that I had to check three different reports just to make sure it wasn't a spoof.

Florida Man casually drove his Maserati to a bank in Destin, wearing Florida's de rigueur accessory — flip-flops. Unarmed but wearing a disposable blue surgical mask, Florida Man presented a robbery note to a cashier, who gave him the small amount of money in her drawer.

He was next seen outside the bank, stashing the cash in the Maserati.

That was July 3. On July 5, in the parking lot of another local business, police found a vehicle matching the description of Florida Man's Maserati, even though — I love this part — he'd removed the license plate and covered the insignia in an ill-starred effort to take his Maserati incognito.

Maserati. Incognito.

Let's ponder on those two words for just a moment.

Police also found the cash and the blue surgical mask inside.

Florida Man purchased the Maserati new in 2017 and, according to local records, has been in financial difficulties since...

...you guessed it...

2017.

But at least he was saving money, reusing surgical masks. 

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: Master of Disguise, Caught on Video, Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

TOTAL: 6 very well-earned FMF Points.

She's a Gas, Gas, Gas

You know sometimes when you're cruising down the highway at over 100 MPH, and so drunk that you don't notice the police trying to pull you over — lights flashing, siren wailing — but you do notice you're down under a quarter tank?

No? Just Florida Woman then. I thought so. 

Short story shorter, Florida Woman completely failed to notice she was being pulled over until she stopped to fill'er up and the police officer had to explain that a DWI stop and accompanying field sobriety test was no time to be putting gas in the car. 

Florida Woman told police that she had “maybe a beer” despite missing a shoe. She also told the police she hadn't seen their lights because "it's so dark."

Lights, how do they work?

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Mayhem, Likely Story, Police Chase (kinda), Caught on Video (should Police Bodycam be a separate category?), Convenience Store.

RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points. 

BONUS FLORIDA VIDEO: Florida Man Does Best Tarzan Impression (But It Wasn't Very Good)

Exclusively for our VIPs: Trump's Golf Challenge Was a Master... Stroke

If Looks Could Kill

Florida Woman accused of threatening to kill Gov. Ron DeSantis

If your goal is to assassinate an elected officeholder, most people wouldn't think to start the process by going through official channels.

But not Florida Woman, who filled out an online questionnaire to ask for an in-person meeting with Republican Gov. Ron DeSantis "as soon as possible" so she could "still kill ya at the end."

Needless to say, Florida Woman did not get her meeting with DeSantis but did receive a visit from Hillsborough County Sheriff’s deputies to assess her mental condition.

She certainly looks happy. 

In her own words from the online form:

You gonna try and bakeract me again comeon over and try you scurry (expletive) hoe I kill ya you already know this you can’t do (expletive) try me hoe try and bakeract me send me to jail gimme more to write about try and take me away I still kill ya at the end hoe try me youcat do (expletive) CONFESS CONFESS CONFESS

Gov. DeSantis does not seem to me like a scurry hoe who would bakeract at anyone a second time, but perhaps Florida Woman knows him better than I do. 

SCORE: Criminal Mastermind, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, Dude You OK?

RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man says he wanted to kill his father so he stabbed him

Impressive follow-through. A lot of criminals aren't willing to commit that hard. 

Steal Big, Steal Little

Florida Man arrested after allegedly trying to withdraw 1 cent from bank

You know what I hate?

So you come up with this cunning plan to rob a bank and here's the cunning part because you're going to rob it without actually robbing it because what you do is walk all in there with your robbery note that isn't a robbery note it's just a withdrawal slip for one cent — that's right just one penny — and when the cashier sees it she's all like "you can't withdraw one cent sir" but then this is the other cunning part because you say to her "you want me to say the other word?" kinda threatening but still not demanding money or making any threats so any money she puts in your bag that's just like a gift and you didn't rob nobody at all but she must've hit the secret button because the cops show up and treat you like you're a real robber even though you only tried to make a tiny little withdrawal so then you're sitting in jail where you think up the next cunning part where the withdrawal slip says "1 cent and 0 secret buttons."

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say but c'mon), Criminal Mastermind, Glamor Mugshot.

RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points. 

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

Florida children, dispatchers recognized as national 911 Heroes

What do you do when you're a young kid whose mother is suddenly having a seizure?

If you're Jarrell Wilson of Belle Glade or Maria Luna Aguilar of Palm Beach, you calmly call 911, talk to the dispatcher, follow their instructions — possibly lifesaving — and wait for the first responders to arrive.

Both were recognized last week at a 911 Heroes Medal of Honor ceremony, along with the dispatchers, Kayla Schubart and Sharlotte Theriault.

SCORE: Everybody gets a bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness for a total of four.

RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: Two Karens Meet in a Parking Lot...

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 23 points for a respectable average of 4.6 FMF points per story.

Meanwhile, in California...

NEW: San Francisco n*dists save a Brazilian tourist after a "pirate" tried blowtorching him.

This may be the most San Francisco thing I've ever seen.

The incident reportedly happened in the Castro district, a "gay-friendly neighborhood."

N*dists Pete Sferra and Lloyd Fishback… pic.twitter.com/TJlLLz6E18

— Collin Rugg (@CollinRugg) July 11, 2024

San Francisco nudists save a Brazilian tourist after a "pirate" tried blowtorching him.

It's nice to know that in the 30 years since I left San Francisco, the important things haven't changed. Blowtorch-wielding pirate-hippies are still free to roam the streets and the city's apex predators — middle-aged nudists — are still there to keep the pirate-hippies' numbers in check. 

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday

P.S. Don't miss "Five O'Clock Somewhere" with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern today with special guest Brad Slager from RedState.