It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have a hard lesson in instant Karma delivered in a Publix parking lot, a case of penis-waving road rage, and a real-life five-year-old Florida hero.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man allegedly exposes himself during road rage incident
You know how sometimes you're in a road rage incident and you have to wave your penis at the other driver?
No? That's just Florida Man? Thank goodness.
For reasons known only to Florida Man — and perhaps not even him — he was driving his Kia Optima like a madman on U.S. Highway 27 in Leesburg two weeks ago, swerving around and cutting off another driver. At another point, he was screaming and throwing stuff out his window at the other car.
Further along on U.S. Highway 27, Box "began to charge" toward the other driver before pulling his shorts down and exposing his genitals, the affidavit said.
"Two victims advised they screamed and looked away in fear when the defendant exposed himself," the affidavit added.
Man, what did he have in there?
Florida Man was later found and arrested and denied he was the suspect. "They must be confused," he told police. You'd be confused, too, by garbage-throwing, penis-waving Florida Man.
My theory is he was probably just angry because his wife made him buy the Kia instead of the Dodge Charger.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Mayhem, Public Nudity, Likely Story, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
You'd Have to Be Crazy (Not) to Try This
Florida Man called 911 about having phony 'suicidal thoughts' so he could hitch free ride to Tampa
Florida Man called 911 claiming "suicidal thoughts so he could get Baker acted and spend a few days in a mental hospital."
"Once released," Fox 35 reported, "he planned to use their resources to set up transportation to get him to Tampa since his mom no longer wanted to drive from there to pick him up, deputies said." Police picked him up at a Dollar General in Poinciana — without ever explaining why — where he quickly admitted to making the whole thing up."
Florida's Baker Act requires authorities to provide immediate mental health services to people who need urgent mental health care.
So what we have here is the flip side of Joseph Heller's "Catch-22." In the book, the only way to get out of flying dangerous bombing missions was if you were crazy. But you'd have to be sane enough to want to get out of flying dangerous bombing missions, so reporting yourself as crazy was proof that you were sane.
Under the Baker Act, you'd have to be crazy to try and get a free ride from the police, so trying to get a free ride is all the proof you need that you're crazy enough to need a free ride — and the police are legally obligated to help you out.
Somebody in Tallahassee didn't think this one through — crazy, right?
SCORE: Criminal Mastermind, Dollar General, Way to Take the L, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Biden Campaign Collapse Tracker: That Narrative Isn't Going to Change Itself, Joe
Bonus Video: Only in Florida
Florida man uses a gator to open a beer can.
— Wall Street Silver (@WallStreetSilv) July 3, 2024
🔉
pic.twitter.com/EoOT7jsd4A
I like to think the gator gets a little taste of beer with each opened can.
You Can Take the Man Out of Florida But...
Florida Man facing charges after multi-county pursuit
What happens when Florida Man and his pal go to Ohio?
For starters, they steal a Toyota RAV4 and proceed to drive it like they stole it. Florida Man then sped through a traffic stop, drove recklessly enough that police stayed back and called for a helicopter, took an offramp to avoid stop sticks the police had deployed, got back on the highway, then finally lost control and drove off the road trying to avoid a second set of stop sticks.
As one does.
After his arrest, police found Florida Man was wanted for other charges in other jurisdictions and had a felony warrant.
SCORE: Vehicular Mayhem, Police Chase, The Inevitable Helicopter, PIT Maneuver/Stop Sticks, Crime Spree, Outstanding Warrant(s), Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Sydney Sweeney: Florida woman. The ‘Euphoria’ star just bought a house in the Keys
Why does Florida get all the good stuff?
Instant Karma's Gonna Get You
Florida Woman goes ballistic in parking lot, swings at YouTuber, and is knocked to the groundYouTuber Wtfbroward caught two Florida Women fighting over a disabled parking spot even though they both seemed fine. When graded on the Florida Scale, that is.
Florida Woman the Elder was fine with being recorded, but when Florida Woman the Younger noticed, she took action — and quickly learned that male-female fights rarely go in real life like they do in Hollywood.
She hit him twice, and then she hit the pavement.
And of course, I subscribed to Wtfbroward because I've learned things about Broward in the years since I started Florida Man Friday.
Exit Question: Why does it always seem to be a Publix or a Walmart parking lot?
SCORE: Instant Karma, The Elderly, Caught on Video, Went Viral, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
5-year-old boy called a hero after saving his younger brother from drowningYoung Winston Tosi's little brother Zechariah fell in about a foot of water — plenty to drown in for a two-and-a-half-year-old — and quick-thinking Winston said, "When he got back up I caught him and then called for help."
North River Fire District Fire Chief Joe Sicking said this situation could have had a very different ending.
"All too often these things don't end up in a celebration," Sicking said.
Winston was being honored by the North River and Parrish Fire Districts with sirens blaring.
But here's my favorite part:
Chief Sicking looks forward to seeing Winston again in the future.
"And in about 15 years time, I would hope to see young Winston applying for the fire department," Sicking said. "Because that's the kind of heart we like to see in an organization."
Winston got a plaque that day and the award of valor and some challenge coins from both fire districts.
Never lose those coins, Winston.
SCORE: Five bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to young Winston, one for each year.
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Great Big Monster Fire Truck That Could
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 25 points for a perfect average of 5 FMF points.
Solid effort, everyone. But I can't wait to see what happens over the four-day weekend.
Meanwhile, in Colorado...
Family of Colorado Man accused of shooting multiple people "shocked but not surprised" by charges
Look at that mugshot. The only way anybody would be surprised or shocked is if Colorado Man hadn't shot a bunch of people.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
