Florida Man Friday: The Great Big Monster Fire Truck That Could

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Florida Man Who Swiped Fire Truck Accused Of Wrecking Stolen Semi In Wyoming

Four years ago, Florida Man was found "buck-ass naked" in a Florida firehouse when he did what anyone in that situation would do: he found himself some pants then made a few apologies and made his way home.

I'm kidding, of course. Buck-ass naked Florida Man stole a fire truck and tried to make his escape that way.

As I'm sure you know by now, you can take the man out of Florida but you can never take Florida out of the man.

He now faces "two felony theft charges in Carbon County, Wyoming, on allegations that he stole a semi in Colorado, fled with it through Wyoming until it wouldn’t drive anymore, then stole a Chevy pickup until it crashed on a two-track road near Hanna."

Authorities had no problem tracking the truck because A) It's a big damn truck, and B) the owner had a GPS tracker on it. The pickup truck Florida Man stole after he ran the semi into a barrow ditch had OnStar and when he crashed that, OnStar told on him, too. 

But there's more:

The next day around noon, someone reported to law enforcement that a man walked into Dingy Dan’s bar in Hanna saying he’d been stranded in the sage for multiple days and needed an ambulance, the affidavit says.

[Wyoming Highway Patrol Trooper Evan] Deneke went to the business and found the man sitting at the bar, wearing a JB’s gas station shirt and claiming to be a 32-year-old “Matthew Seymour.” The trooper suspected this identity was false.

Here the semitruck’s owner furnished some help, sending over dash camera video in which Deneke saw a man stealing the truck.

I'm just going to throw this one out there for Florida Man — ever thought about stealing something smaller, faster, and less conspicuous? Something to ponder in your jail cell. 

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: Vehicular Mayhem, Caught Stupidly (by GPS), Caught Stupidly (again by OnStar), Caught on Video, Recidivism, Fleeing the Scene, Master of Disguise, Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, Glamor Mugshot.

TOTAL: A record-tying 9 FMF Points.

Bonus: This isn't even the fire truck mentioned in the Florida Man Friday headline. You'll have to keep reading...

Sir, I Need to See Your ID, Registration, and Top Hat

Florida Man claims to be 'Mr. Monopoly' with birthdate of 4/20/69 during arrest

You know what I hate?

You know how sometimes when you're spraypainting stuff that isn't yours like maybe one of those sound barrier walls along 54th Avenue South in St. Petersburg because you've got nothing better to do and on the advice of my attorney I'm not saying you or me ever do that but it turns out all these people saw you doing it and a bunch of them call the police so when they show up and ask who you are and what you're doing you tell them that you're Mr. Monopoly which is funny because they can't take a fictional character to jail — it's in the Magna Carta — and you tell them your birthday is 4/20/69 which is like two jokes in one only the cops aren't laughing and so they make you show them your driver's license and it doesn't say anything like "Mr. Monopoly" on there and then you're sitting in this cell with a blank concrete wall and no spray paint?

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: Master of Disguise, Chutzpah, Resisting Arrest, Glamor Mugshot.

RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points. 

Exclusively for our VIPs: Wargaming the Electoral College: Pennsylvania or Bust for Joe?

Bonus Florida Video

Gator spotted walking down the street casually eating a snake on Fort Myers Beach. Welcome to #Florida. Credit: @WINKNews viewer Kayanna H 🐊👀 pic.twitter.com/VZ37yf2MGn

— Matt Devitt (@MattDevittWX) June 26, 2024

Just a gator cruising down the sidewalk, snacking on a snake.

Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man arrested after shooting, destroying Walmart delivery drone

I'm sorry, I thought this was America. Or at least Florida. 

I'm So Confused

Florida Woman Arrested For Lighting Hotel Hallway On Fire

There isn't much to this story. It was just a typical Thursday night in Fort Myers when the fire department, as they always seem to do, responded to a call after Florida Person set fire to a hallway at the Rodeway Inn on Cleveland Avenue, resulting in various evacuations.

There just hasn't been that much to do on Thursday nights since "Must-See TV" stopped being a thing. 

The headline to the story said "Florida Woman." The lead sentence said, "A woman was arrested on Thursday after she allegedly lit the hallway of a Southwest Florida hotel on fire."

The police said, "We located him at the Sam's Club plaza and arrested him within the hour."

The mugshot says "him." The strappy little top says "her." The hair says "Eddie Murphy as Buckwheat," and I don't even know what to do with that.

Mostly my heart goes out to whoever edited Rob Garuilo's WFLA report. They must have thrown up their hands in despair rather than risk making any edits or changes.

SCORE: Caught on Video, Glamor Mushot (lots of those this week), WTF Were You Even THINKING?

RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points. 

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

Now this is the fire truck I wanted you to see today. 

The video is a year old, but the story is new.

The "Fire Chief" monster truck began life as a 1950s Seagrave Open Cab Fire Truck before Florida Man dropped in a big-block 366 Chevy V8, lifted it, fitted it with 66-inch all-terrain Terra Tires, added seats for 18 people, and (of course) a Westinghouse J34 turbojet engine.

Because that's what heroes do.

But then he put it on sale for $95,000 and then — because he's a Florida damn hero — slashed the price to $70,000.

SCORE: Four bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.

RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: She Drove That Ambulance Like She Stole It (Because She Did)

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Only four scored stories this week — I'm still recovering from last night's debate drunkblog — with a total of 20 points for a respectable average of 5 FMF points per story.

Not too shabby, Florida Persons!

Meanwhile, in Texas...

Woman arrested by Fort Worth police allegedly stole vehicle with corpse in it

But it's the subhead that makes the story: "It is unclear if the woman intended to steal the corpse."

I don't want to know.

(Yes, I do.)

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday

P.S. Don't miss the "Five O'Clock Somewhere" VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser, Kevin Downey Jr, and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern today. You can join the cause (and the cocktails) right here.