It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news and this week we have our first stolen ambulance story in months, Robbing Bank for Dummies, and the Michigan politician who knows how to AMERICA! better than almost anyone.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman accused of stealing ambulance, leading deputies on chase
Florida Man Friday fans know that the only thing that comes close to a stolen police car story is a stolen ambulance story — and do we have a good one for you this week.
At Zero Dark Thirty on Thursday, the Lee County Sheriff's Office was alerted to one of those stolen ambulance situations at Golisano's Children's Hospital in Fort Meyers. But whoever made the call couldn't have been the only one because Florida Ambulance Woman was seen "driving recklessly, swerving, drifting across lanes and she even almost flipped the ambulance."
"Drive it like you stole it" always works better in theory than it does in practice, at least if you want to drive it for longer than the length of a single police chase.
We don't have reports of a motive or anything like that yet but, based purely on the weird chatter Florida Woman was spewing as police dragged her out of the ambulance, I'm going with "drugs."
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Stolen Ambulance, Drugs/Alcohol, The Inevitable Helicopter, Vehicular Mayhem, Police Chase, Resisting, Caught on Video, Recividivism, Glamor Mugshot.
TOTAL: A record-breaking 9 FMF Points.
I need Harry Caray to let loose a "Holy cow!" for her.
What Was Their First Clue?
Florida Man accused of posing as breast cancer patient to defraud nonprofit organizations
"This is our scumbag of the week. I mean, you can't get much lower than this," Volusia County Sheriff Mike Chitwood said about Florida Man, arrested for posing as a breast cancer patient and defrauding various nonprofit organizations. "I mean, how low can you go? You know, money that is meant for folks who are trying to beat cancer, who can't pay their bills."
"We've just scratched the surface of how this may run, but it's pretty disgusting. I mean, like I said, he's going to be a real scumbag to go out and do something like this," Chitwood also said. "He’s in a good place right now. He should rot in that jail cell."
Indeed. For a very long time. It's difficult to imagine anything much lower than what Florida Man (allegedly!) did.
On the other hand, take a look at the man who posed as "Sally Holmes," an unemployed breast cancer victim.
AYKM? I know we're supposed to believe all kinds of nonsense about 57 genders and how anybody is what they claim to be but... c'mon.
Any organization stupid enough to believe that guy was a woman with breast cancer was practically begging to get ripped off.
SCORE: Likely Story, Impersonation, Glamor Mugshot, and a WTF Were You Even THINKING? awarded to each organization he somehow managed to scam.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Wargaming the Electoral College: Pennsylvania or Bust for Joe?
Banker's Hours
Florida Man accused of trying to burglarize closed bank, walks out empty-handed
One of the first things they teach you about in bank robbing school is the vault. That's the room with the great big metal door on it that you can't open with a slim jim or a stick of dynamite or hardly anything. The bank keeps the all money in there at night and most of it in there during the day, too.
That's why it's so important to rob the bank while it's open when there is money outside of the vault. The distinction between inside and outside the vault is vital.
I hope everyone is taking notes.
Florida Man never went to bank robbing school or he would have known better than to wander into a closed bank — somebody forgot to lock up — where he "started opening drawers and cabinets, but they were empty."
But it gets weirder.
The alarm company waited an hour before calling the police. Is that normal? Normal or not, that's why Martin County Sheriff’s deputies found nobody there when they finally arrived.
How'd they catch Florida Man? They matched the bank video with a security video of Florida Man buying a mask at a gas station across the street, putting it on, and then wandering right into the unlocked bank.
What I want to know is, how did he know the bank was unlocked?
SCORE: Caught on Video, Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Master of Disguise.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Woman Calls 911 On Herself To 'Legally' Steal A Car From A Car Dealership
Have you ever been so loaded that you... nah.
The Telltale Smartphone
Wanted Florida Man caught after phone rings while hiding in ceiling
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes the cops are looking for you after you peddle some stuff that might not have been entirely yours to that pawn broker and you stop by this place to say Hey and but this whole scene starts so you leave and stop by work to see if they got any work for you today but then you see the cops across the street at the first place and you're all like "man they called the cops on me?" but there's no back door so you hide up in the ceiling which is like the last place anybody looks which is good because your work is the next place the cops check and your so-called friends at work tell the cops "yeah he never left" and the cops start poking around and they notice the ceiling tiles which are really hard to put back just right so you hold your breath and try not to make any noise but then your phone rings so they look up and see your hand sticking out from under the insulation and you're totally busted and the next thing that stupid Sheriff Grady is making some dumb joke about your hand being attached to a body because otherwise "That would have taken this situation into a whole other direction" and now you're up on all these other charges?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Houdini, Should Have Taken the L, Humiliated by Press Release, Outstanding Warrant(s), Face/Neck Tattoos, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
I must warn you that the following report contains internet-transmissible onion fumes:
Quick thinking and exceptional calm under pressure earned 12-year-old Jarrell "JJ" Wilson the title of "Hometown Hero" after he dialed 911 to save his mother during a medical emergency. On May 3, the young hero, who has autism, immediately sought help when he saw his mother experiencing a seizure; his adept response did not go unnoticed, CBS12 reports.
According to CBS12, JJ's presence of mind during the distressing event was as commendable as the detailed information he provided to the dispatcher at Palm Beach County Fire Rescue, this allowed the timely arrival of help for his mother, and the officials were quick to recognize his bravery with an award, which JJ received last week from his church and the Palm Beach County Sheriff's Office.
Palm Beach County Fire Rescue posted to Facebook, "Anytime someone calls 911, it is a stressful and emotional situation," and praised JJ for letting them know "what was happening, answering questions quickly, clearly and calmly."
SCORE: If I awarded Florida Hero fewer than 5 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
RUNNING TOTAL: 28 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: They Took a Long [DELETED] Off a Short Pier
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 28 points for a higher-than-average average score of 5.6.
And my apologies for giving Florida Man Friday last week off but even he needs a break sometimes.
Meanwhile, in Michigan...
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the "Five O'Clock Somewhere" VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern today. This week's guest is PJ's own Ashley McCully who remains, as ever, a complete blast.
