It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the couple who took it a pier too far, the rubber snakes and motor oil attack, and the heartwarming video of a car driven by ISIS members hitting an anti-tank mine.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman, 20, caught having sex on historic pier jumps into ocean to evade cops
Florida Man and Florida Woman were doing what comes naturally on the historic Naples Pier last week.
As one does. Behind the locked gate with the No Trespassing signs.
That's them in the pair of matching mugshots at the top of this week's Florida Man Friday. They look pretty chill, and well, can you blame them?
Several people called the police, who showed up quickly enough that the couple were caught still in flagrante delicto and, needless to say, in the buff.
Florida Man took his arrest with relaxed ease — and maybe a cigarette? — but I won't conjecture why. Florida Woman attempted to flee by jumping into the ocean which never, ever works. But "naked woman flees police" is what makes the difference between a story that gets ignored and one that makes the news.
Thank you, Florida Woman, for elevating the news.
Exit Question: Why does the headline only mention the woman and her young age?
Exit Answer: Because I got the headline from the Daily Mail and that's just how they roll.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Fleeing Police, Went Viral, Water Hazard, Should Have Taken the L, Glamor Mugshot.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
That's Not How This Works
Police pulled over Florida Woman in St. Augustine last week, where she told them, "You’re not allowed to stop me."
"Sorry, ma'am. We didn't realize we weren't allowed to arrest you. Carry on your business," is exactly what police didn't say. No, what they said was that Florida Woman has an outstanding felony warrant for failure to appear over some drug charges.
That's when Florida Woman hit the gas and sent police scrambling to catch her. Which they did, but not before one trooper suffered hand injuries, another civilian car was damaged, and Florida Woman was brought to a stop with a PIT maneuver.
They found more drugs in her car, too — surprise!
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Mayhem, Outstanding Warrant(s), Fleeing, PIT Maneuver/Stop Sticks, Chutzpah, Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Summer Music List: Top Ten 'Summer' Songs
Bustin' Loose In
Florida Man Crashes Into Jail, Spews Anti-Trump Hate, Throws Snakes
Maybe this list of activities looks crazy to you...
- Drive your car through the doors of Martin County Jail.
- Get out wearing a woman's blouse and no pants.
- Dump motor oil on the floor.
- Explain that he was going to light it on fire because he "came here to kill police."
- Throw rubber snakes on the floor.
- Wrestle with police.
- Further explain that the "devil made me do it, why didn't you shoot me, and f*** me in the ass."
- Require restraints to take him to the hospital.
- Remained uncooperative until brought back to jail.
...but everybody needs a hobby.
SCORE: Caught on Video, Public Nudity, Resisting Arrest, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Drive-Thru Mayhem (Heh, SWIDT?), Glamor Mugshot, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man Turned A Car Hauler Trailer Into A Camper That Looks Like A Giant Wine Barrel
Unbelievably Real Weird
Florida Man accused of assaulting, demanding random man sell him drugs in downtown Orlando
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're in Orlando and you need to score some drugs and you figure everybody has gotta have drugs on them because you should see some of the stuff they've got here — giant talking mice, some kinda fairy castle, all kinds of wild stuff — so you see this guy who looks like he might have some drugs on him and you pick up a stick and you tell this guy you're gonna beat him with the stick if he won't sell you his drugs but then these firefighters show up and you tell them how it was you there was these other people in that crowd there that beat YOU up and then the firefighters tell you to stop shouting obscenities so you tell them to eff right off and maybe you hit one of them and spit on them just a little bit but now there's cops there and you trip and hit your head on the curb and it turns out there's video cameras so they know what you did so now you're in jail and it's the weirdest thing because not everybody has drugs in Orlando.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Resisting Arrest, Likely Story, Caught on Video, Glamor Mugshot?
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man Declared War on License Plate Readers
In "Cool Hand Luke," Paul Newman — the coolest man in the world not named Steve McQueen — is sentenced to two years for using a pipe cutter to cut the heads off of parking meters. He was a little drunk, a little sick of authority, and surrendered peacefully to the police.
Florida Man had apparently had enough of license plate readers and peacefully dismantled 22 of them since early May before his arrest this week.
"Just a few days before the cameras began to go missing," the Florida Man report said, he "had given an interview to a local television station regarding his deep discomfort with the artificial intelligence-based ID technology."
“When you realize you’re being tracked every day going to the grocery or church or school, and you didn’t have any say in it, it’s a little concerning to me,” Florida Man told WFTV. “It would be very simple to take a camera like that and put a radar on it.”
His vehicle was ID'd at the location of a missing camera by — you guessed it — a license plate reader. A police helicopter followed him back to his home, where he faced arrest with all the coolness of Paul Newman.
I've had it up to here with being tracked, too, and I wonder how long the rest of us will put up with it.
SCORE: Caught on Video, The Inevitable Helicopter, and three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 30 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Score Doesn't Lie: This Is the Greatest Florida Man Friday EVER
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 30 points for an impressive average of 6 points per story.
That's our second super-high-scoring FMF report in a row, and I'd like to thank the summer heat for making everybody just that little extra bit of crazy.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Syria or Iraq...
Crazy footage captures the moment a car driven by ISIS members hits an anti-tank mine. pic.twitter.com/4QpszXNS5b
— Morbid Knowledge (@Morbidful) June 1, 2024
Check out the midair BOOM at the 11-second mark.
Impressive. Most impressive.
A clip like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
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