The Score Doesn't Lie: This Is the Greatest Florida Man Friday EVER

(Promotional image courtesy of Courtesy Pete Melfi/The Florida Man Games.)

Forget, if you can, February's Florida Man Games because this Florida Man Friday is the Best. FMF. EVER.

Let us begin as we always do with...

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Wanted Florida Man reeked of ‘guilt, embarrassment, warm hosiery’ after clothes dryer capture

Florida Man had been on the lam for two months for a couple of firearms offenses and an assault when he finally got caught smelling like Snuggle the Fabric Softener Bear.

Escambia County deputies got a tip — and a warrant, good on them — that he was hiding out at a residence in Pensacola. Police did indeed find him there, neatly tucked into a dryer and, they said, smelling of "guilt, embarrassment, [and] warm hosiery."

Kudos to Fox 13's Nancy Gay for this gem: "Once outside the dryer, deputies say they removed three dryer sheets, two mismatched socks, and a crumpled-up tissue from his surprisingly wrinkled Star Wars shirt."

Check this out.

How do you get a man wanted for felonies out of a dryer? Slo-o-o-o-owly. 

Finally, a #ProTip: You don't want to end up in prison with the nickname "Snuggle."

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: Houdini, Humiliated by Press Release, Crime Spree, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.

Drive It Like You Stole It, Which Is What She Did 

Florida Woman Flees Car Dealership During Test Drive & Ends Reckless Chase by Jumping into Lake

Even the awesome dashcam video doesn't tell the whole story. After crashing the stolen car and jumping into the lake, Florida Woman refused the rope police tossed her. So they had to jump in after her; she resisted hard but was finally fished out and charged with grand theft auto, two counts of battery on a police officer, fleeing police, leaving the scene of a crash, and resisting an officer.

While the report calls her "Florida Woman," it also says she's from North Carolina.

SCORE: Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It (the North Carolina thing), Police Chase, Vehicular Mayhem, Water Hazard, Fleeing the Scene, Resisting Arrest, Caught on Video, Should Have Taken the L.

That's a record-tying eight points — well done!


Exclusively for our VIPs: Wargaming the Electoral College

Ow, Father...

Florida Priest bites woman during Communion scuffle

This is a messy and confusing one, even by Florida Man Friday standards.

It was a pleasant noon mass when a scuffle broke out between the priest and an attendee. Stories differ and the inevitable smartphone video was blocked during key moments, but Florida Priest did indeed bite Florida Woman on the arm during Communion. 

Florida Woman said "He wouldn’t give me the cookie" because she's gay and/or wasn't dressed appropriately and/or hadn't been to confession or something. Florida Priest said she's tried taking Communion at the 10 a.m. Mass, too, but she wasn't following the rite and during the noon Mass, tried to grab (and smash) a bunch of Communion wafers (I believe from the ciborium). With no free hands, biting her arm was the only way to save the remaining Communion wafers for everyone else in attendance.

I went to Mass with my Catholic friends as a kid more times than I could count, and I never saw anything like that.

I'm taking the priest's side. Not just because Florida Woman kept referring to the Communion wafer as "the cookie," but you'd better believe that's high up on a very short list. 

SCORE: Likely Story, Weapon (Preferably Unusual — teeth count!), Caught on Video, and a bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness to the New York Post's David Propper for leading his story with, "That’s not the body of Christ."


Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man allegedly chucks pasta at driver during road rage over 'glaring headlights'

I'm siding with Florida Man on this one. I hate those over-bright headlights.

He Might Be Overqualified for Office

Former Florida mayoral candidate arrested for armed robbery of Dollar General while in disguise

You know what I hate?

So sometimes you have to find a new line of work because your career in politics didn't exactly take off the way you thought just getting 5% of the vote for mayor in 2022 probably because of that totally bogus conviction for the time you got drunk and hit that cop in 2019 and I don't even care what all those so-called bodycam videos showed but anyway you only did 60 days for that one so it's not that big a deal and you're thinking you'll probably run for governor now that DeSantis can't run again but you need some income in the meantime so you so you hold up this Dollar General store but the safe is on a time lock like it was the last time so you just get the money out of the register and you take the manager's uniform for your escape disguise and you stuff your pockets full of that sweet sweet cash and you hide out in the woods where no one would ever look for you but you didn't even notice that the money was falling out and making a trail leading right to you which is how the stupid cops found you so you take off running but they catch you and you can't fight them off so now you got another resisting charge on top of the firearm and robbery charges.

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: Master of Disguise, Dollar General (new!), Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Police Chase, Resisting, Recidivism, Getting Caught Stupidly, Glamour Mugshot.

Another eight-pointer!


Not All Heroes Wear Capes

Florida Man praised by police for fatally stabbing intruder who shot his wife

Florida Man brought a knife to a gunfight — and won.

Lindsey Glenn — 62 years old and out of prison after serving time for a dozen felonies — conned his way into the home of an older couple, both 69. Glenn pulled a pistol and shot the wife in the face. She was last listed in stable condition at a local trauma center.

But the husband "leaped into action and grabbed a garden knife," repeatedly stabbing Glenn with its seven-inch blade.

Glenn was "cut to pieces" and "very much deceased" by the time Highlands County deputies arrived, Sheriff Paul Blackman said.

Not just "deceased" but "very much deceased."

"I would like to commend the male victim for his bravery and quick action in defending his wife and their home," Blackman also said. "We will pray for his wife that she has a fast and full recovery."

In a civilized state like Florida, they praise heroes like the unnamed husband. They don't arrest them like they might in uncivilized places like New York City.

SCORE: The Elderly, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Instant Karma, and a record-setting four bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to the husband for doing what had to be done even when out-gunned. 


Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Was Found Guilty of Grand Theft... Houses?

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a massive total of 34 points for a record-shattering average of 6.8.


After two or three lower-scoring weeks in a row, what a comeback.

Meanwhile, in Texas...

Texas Woman fires eight shots at McDonald's staff in drive-thru drive-by over 'missing hash browns and biscuits' despite the fact she already ate her entire order

If I had to guess, she'd had a lot of people's entire orders.

But even a story like that can't take Florida Man's crown of glory after a week like this one, so come back next time for another exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday

P.S. Don't miss the "Five O'Clock Somewhere" VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern today with special guest Jennifer Van Laar and plenty of day drinking.


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