It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the curious case of the man who stole houses, instant karma for a Pokemon shoplifter, and Utah Man's failed attempt at playing possum.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man arrested for carving his name into deputy's patrol car
No, Florida Man. Just no.
Florida Man was seen by a passerby carving something with a metal tool into the hood of a Broward Sheriff's Office cruiser. Yes, it was marked. The witness called the police, who had no trouble locating and arresting Florida Man at his home. That's because he carved "the name is [ACTUAL NAME!]" into the hood. A quick computer search showed he lived nearby.
"I did it," he told police. "I committed a crime and I should be going to jail."
He was also found "carrying metal joint pliers with green paint transfer on the tip of the tool," according to a local report.
"I was revolting because he wouldn't take me back to Haiti," he also said and asked to be taken "to the officer's house so I can tell him I did it."
Instead, he was taken in for a psych eval and somehow cleared.
Had Florida Man been given more time, he undoubtedly would have also carved his home address, cell phone number, the best time of day to reach him, and one of those Wall Street Journal-type portraits of himself.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Way to Take the L, Dude You OK? (New!)
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
Only four points, I know, but what a way to start the week.
When a House Is Not Your Home
Florida Man gets three years in prison for stealing identities, selling other people's homes
I'm going to spend the rest of my life figuring out how Florida Man did this ten times without getting caught. Or why he ever thought he could get away with it once.
Over the years, I've bought three homes, sold two of them, done two re-fis, and taken out three home improvement loans — that went to real improvements; we never used our house as a piggy bank to buy other stuff. So I can tell you from experience that it's only barely possible to sell or do anything else bank-related with a house you actually do own. The one nice thing about all the streamlining they did for mortgages and whatnot during the plandemic was that you no longer had to bring your own goat to the bank for the sacrifice.
Anyway, Florida Man managed to make $581,808 selling houses he didn't own before getting caught. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for those meddling forms he had to sign and initial 800 times on each property.
SCORE: Crime Spree, and three bonus points for Chutzpah.
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Big Tech: You Can't Work From Home Anymore; Workers: Well, BYE
Birthday Suit Burglar
Naked Florida woman arrested after breaking into neighbor's home
For reasons unknown — and perhaps unknowable — Florida Woman left her kids alone at home and showed up at her neighbor's house, naked, knocking on the front door. She didn't answer when the neighbor asked who was there. Instead, Florida Woman went around to the sliding glass back door and started knocking on it.
The neighbor had already called the police by the time Florida Woman broke a window and got in that way. But she didn't stay long. She traipsed out the front door and, naked and bloody from breaking the window, met up with the police who must have arrived in record time.
The kids were found safe, thank goodness.
Florida Woman is being held without bond because this ain't New York, doll.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say but c'mon), WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points
Florida Man Flashback Video
That time a man reached for a stuck landing gear on his friend's plane from a sunroof of a car driven down a runway and fixed it.
— Dudes Posting Their W’s (@DudespostingWs) May 15, 2024
[St. Augustine airport, Florida, 1985] pic.twitter.com/PQyIbaISM8
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man allegedly waves gun at bartenders who told him bar was closing: 'Who needs to leave?'
I admire your dedication and moxie, sir.
Charizard Is Not Amused
🇺🇸 A shop owner and two martial arts coaches caught a thief who was fleeing with more than $30,000 worth of Pokémon cards from a game store in southwest Miami, Florida.pic.twitter.com/doFVHm78Dm
— Total Randomness (@Totalrandome) May 15, 2024
Florida Man Accused of Stealing $30K in Pokémon Cards Foiled by Topless MMA Coach
You know what I hate?
It turns out those Pokemon cards are like gold to some people and besides some of them are pretty cool looking and if you've ever seen a Charizard breathing fire you know exactly what I mean so I'm at this game store in Miami where they've got all these choice cards and I've planned this whole thing out because I'm just going to ask to see the big binder full of Pokemons and be all nonchalant about it — that's French you can look it up — so they'll totally just hand me the binder and that's when my plan kicks into action because all I have to do now is walk right on out of there which is what I start to do and the girl behind the counter is all like "You can't take those they aren't yours" but I just laugh as I'm walking out of there but when I get to the parking lot all these martial arts dudes show up out of nowhere and they go all ju-jitsu on me until the cops show up and now I'm sitting in jail hoping to God there's no video of me getting beat up for some stupid Pokemon cards.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Criminal Mastermind, Caught on Video, Went Viral, Resisting, Instant Karma.
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man Runs Over 11-Foot Alligator with Truck to Save Neighbor from Attack
Wow:
The incident occurred at The Quarry off Immokalee Road, where Walter Rudder noticed his neighbor, Rick Fingeret, lying on the ground next to a pond, with his legs trapped in the jaws of the massive alligator.
"I was driving and we saw a man lying on the ground, waving his arm. We pulled over and I got out of the car and saw that an alligator had him by the leg," Rudder said.
Rudder's quick thinking saved Fingeret's life, as he ran over the alligator with his car, forcing it to release its grip on Fingeret's legs.
Authorities would like to remind you to respect wild animals' comfort zones. "Resist the urge to test your sprinting skills against wildlife. Whether it's an alligator, hog, or a particularly intimidating squirrel, remember: they've been training for this their whole lives. You have not," the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission (FWC) advised on Instagram.
Oh, and the gator scurried off, apparently OK.
SCORE: Three bonus points to Rick for Sheer Awesomeness and two more — one for each of the victim's dogs — who stood by him during the attack.
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Bit Off More Cop Than He Could Chew
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 20 points for a respectable average of 4.2 points per story.
Meanwhile, in Utah...
Utah Man accused of faking death opts to represent himself against rape allegations
I'm just going to bookmark this one for future reference because I get the feeling there's a lot more left for Utah Man to play out here.
Even just a headline like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the "Five O'Clock Somewhere" fourth-anniversary show with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern on Friday. We have pretty much all the usual suspects lined up for the Seat of Uncomfortable Ecstasy, so you won't want to miss it.
