It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news and this week we have Florida Man's Hannibal Lecter impersonation, the world's most brazen shoplifter, and the lamest police chase in Texas history.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Drugged-out Florida Man arrested after biting off piece of cop’s head at music festival
Florida Man was working as a volunteer at the Vortex Springs Sol Fest, which the website promised would be "an experience like no other, where the Mind, Body, and Sol converge to create a sensory explosion that will leave you spellbound."
Translation: There will be drugs. All the drugs.
That was certainly the case for Florida Man, who the Holmes County Sheriff’s Office said was allegedly under the influence of PCP, LSD, ketamine, mushrooms, and ecstasy. Kids, don't try this at home. Don't even try it at the Vortex Springs SolFest.
At some point, Florida Man got in a scuffle with a local deputy. While the story doesn't give the details, you can bet the major factors were PCP, LSD, ketamine, mushrooms, and ecstasy. Florida Man had to be subdued with a Taser but not before biting a nasty-looking chunk out of the back of the deputy's head.
“You can’t have good without the bad, but for the most part, the festival was nothing but like higher vibrational people, people loving each other and supporting each other.” attendee Autumn Cromer told WJHG-TV News because hippies are [POPULAR GERUND-FORM EXPLETIVE DELETED] morons.
You can see the unpixelated image of the deputy's wound here if you dare. It's graphic.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon (Preferably Unusual — teeth count, right?), Resisting Arrest, Tasered, Glamor Mugshot (that's him at the top of the article).
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Snakes (Not Quite) on a Plane
So there are these rare Palmetto corn snakes whose "white color is a result of a leucistic genetic mutation that makes for a stunning pattern." And who had "leucistic genetic mutation" on their 2024 Florida Man Bingo Card?
That makes them valuable among collectors, which is presumably why Florida Man tried to smuggle them out of Florida.
In a baggie. In his pants. The snakes somehow hadn't suffocated, which is good, but I'm picturing Florida Man trying to get through TSA with a bagful of squirming snakes in his pants and I can't stop laughing.
SCORE: I have to award one You Hid It WHERE? for each snake (3), Criminal Mastermind (this replaces "Crime of the Century" which wasn't as clear).
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Somebody Needs to Sanction Biden for His Support of Terrorism
Help, Police! I'm a Crook!
Florida Man runs to police for help after committing crime, ends up behind bars
You know how sometimes when you're trying to break into someone's house they chase you away? Then on rare occasions, they keep chasing you down the street so you run to a parked cop and ask him for help with the guy chasing you? And have you ever met a cop smart enough to tell a burglar from a homeowner?
Yeah, me either — it must just be Florida Man, who not only got caught trying to break into someone's house after going to the cops himself but was found to have a bunch of stuff stolen from a local car in his pockets.
I get the feeling this is not Florida Man's first run-in with the police and certainly not his last.
SCORE: Criminal Mastermind, Crime Spree, Fleeing the Scene, Getting Caught Stupidly.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man who was bitten by two sharks in The Bahamas lives to tell his story
He could have stayed home and been bitten by the same two sharks.
When Gators Attack or Not
Florida Man allegedly shoots at alligator with rifle while illegally dumping tires
You know what I hate?
Sometimes you've got all these tires to get rid of and you're not going to burn them like that one time because damn that didn't go very good so you pile them in your bitchin' minivan to this place where you've seen like a thousand tires stacked up so it must be OK to leave them there and even if it isn't like who's gonna ever notice a few more then you drive through the gate right past the No Trespassing sign and you're getting ready to dump the tires but there's this gator and you swear it's coming right at you or at least that's what you're gonna tell the cops if you have to and that gator is gonna rip the minivan right open and eat you so you get your rifle and you start blasting away at that thing til it goes away but when you're done dumping the tires some cops pull you over for trespassing and shooting a gun or whatever so you tell them about the gator and how it's your constitutional right to ignore a No Trespassing sign if somebody's too stupid to close the gate but they tell you it's your right to remain silent and then you're sitting in jail without anything to shoot at but at least you got rid of those tires.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Likely Story, Dangerous Wildlife, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
His Sleep Number Is Two-to-Three Years
Florida Man accused of stealing mattress from Walmart
By the time most people are stoned enough to think they can get away with shoplifting a mattress, they're probably too stoned to do much more than sit on the sofa with a Family Size bag of Cheetos, a rerun of "Gilligan's Island," and quiet thoughts of either smoking another bowl or maybe someday getting a full-time job.
Florida Man is so much more ambitious than that. He went into a Villages Walmart, where police say he lifted a sports watch, a blender, a mixer, some lights, a tension rod, a comforter, and yes, a mattress. Employees let him casually walk out with all his stuff and load up his SUV — but they did call the police.
When he was pulled over, police couldn't help but notice the smell of marijuana or the stolen sports watch right there on his wrist. One deputy recognized Florida Man as the suspect in two other recent cases.
SCORE: Walmart, Drugs/Alcohol, Crime Spree, Élan.
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Identifies As a Woman AND As a Thief
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 21 points for a respectable average of 4.2.
Like last week, the quality of this week's stories wasn't quite reflected in the scores. Maybe I need some new categories...
Suggestions?
Meanwhile, in Texas...
The slowest police chase so far this year goes to the city of Corpus Christi Texas pic.twitter.com/F0jkPpU8W3
— Dallas Texas TV (@DallasTexasTV) May 9, 2024
Later, all three women were asked to throw a baseball.
A video like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. "Five O'Clock Somewhere" is on a brief hiatus while my good friend Stephen Kruiser travels to New York for the Kruiser Kid's law school graduation. We'll miss our 5OS family during the break but we'll be back in action on Friday, May 17 for our Big-Ass 4th Anniversary Show filled with a cavalcade of special guests.
