It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, but before we begin, a quick thanks for understanding Florida Man's absence last week. The VodkaWife™ and I spent a quickie VodkaBirthday™ vacation in Tucson with none other than Stephen Kruiser. And we're proud to report that only three javelinas were harmed in the making of our trip.
With that out of the way, let's get to it, shall we?
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man dons dress, blond wig in attempt to evade deputies after boat theft
True story.
Many years ago, when I lived in San Francisco, I had a lovely young acquaintance named Denise who went by "Li'l Miss Thang" and often dressed like a drag queen. She even had "Li'l Miss Thang" in sequins on the back of her favorite jacket. Yes, she was a genuine XX female — and an attractive one at that. Denise liked nothing better than when an actual drag queen would give her the highest possible praise from one drag queen to another: "Oh, honey — you could pass!"
Florida Man's story is not Denise's.
After stealing a boat in Glade County — where does one put a stolen boat, anyway? — Florida Man figured he'd avoid police by donning a blond wig, oversized sunglasses, and a lovely little blue knee-length dress.
Somehow, police were able to ID their suspect regardless. Maybe it was the five o'clock shadow. Maybe it was the ugly knobby man-knees (I have them, too). Maybe it was the unshaven legs. I mean, nobody wears that outfit without at least going up past the knee.
Florida Man also had a couple of outstanding warrants for various naughtiness.
Police also found a stolen John Deere Gator and other items they believe to have been stolen. Based on the boat and the Gator, I wouldn't be surprised if the other stolen goods included an outdoor storage shed, a Komatsu forklift, and a giraffe.
Here's our would-be Florida Woman without the wig.
Oh, honey... no.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Master of Disguise, Should Have Taken the L, Recidivism, Humiliated by Press Release, Glamor Mugshot.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
She Could Have Sworn it Was Machete Chuckin' Monday
Florida Woman accused of chucking machete at neighbor who complained she was being too loud
Florida Woman and some friends or family were partying hard in the backyard at midnight on a Monday — as one does — when a neighbor came over to ask them to keep it down.
According to the neighbor, Florida Woman politely told him to put some earplugs in and go back inside. Then partygoers pelted him with beer and beer bottles. Also as one does.
That's when Florida Woman produced a machete as if from nowhere.
“I don’t know where it came from,” the neighbor said. “She was standing here arguing with me, she grabbed it from somewhere and just flung it, you know what I think it was, I think it was from the banana tree.”
As one does.
Florida Woman became "hysterical" during her inevitable arrest and required leg shackles to get her into the car.
I'll never get rid of the idea that in Florida, machetes grow on banana trees.
SCORE: Domestic Bliss, Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Resisting Arrest.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: It's Long Past Time to Give the Commies the Nazi Treatment
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Florida Man accused of stealing lobster tails, rotisserie chicken from Walmart
Guys who spend the night in jail for stealing beef jerky from the corner Love's get no respect from me.
This guy, on the other hand...:
Florida Man found himself in hot water after stealing a number of delicacies from his “ambitious shopping list” from Walmart last week, according to the Nassau County Sheriff’s Office.
Florida Man, 46, of Jacksonville, was arrested after stealing nine succulent lobster tails, four premium ribeye steaks, two packages of snow crab legs, and a rotisserie chicken at a Walmart on SR-200 in Yulee.
He left the store on the evening of April 3 with a duffel bag, which he also stole, full of the delicacy meats.
Then he pushed his luck, returning to the same store three days later where deputies arrested him.
But Florida Man, my friend, you let me know when you get out. I'll bring the charcoal and a couple of bottles of something nice. No questions asked.
SCORE: Élan, Crime Spree, Walmart.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Woman sentenced to probation after pulling live alligator from her pants during traffic stop
These Things Happen
You know what I hate?
So sometimes you head down to a Neighborhood Walmart store but instead of picking up groceries and maybe some nice canned cat food for your cat you masturbate at strangers and it's like you didn't even know they had security cameras in there so when that woman you were looking at gets all offended or whatever even though you kept it mostly in your pants talks to security and they ID you but you figure it's cool because the next time you masturbate at strangers you do it at a Burlington which is totally different but the cops come to your house anyway after those two times and somehow they remember you're the same guy they arrested for masturbating at strangers in that Target a couple of weeks ago and next thing you know you're sitting in jail and you still don't have anybody but yourself to play with.
I also hate that they call me Pee-Wee.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Walmart, Crime Spree, Caught on Video, WTF Were You Even THINKING??
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes (Some Wear Walmart Vests)
“I would be dead if they didn’t take action”
Florida Woman Mary DiSanzo's heart arrhythmia caused her heart to stop beating just days before her 79th birthday at a North Port Walmart in April. What happened next reads like a TV script:
Walmart cashier Suzan Martucci was one of the employees who helped bring DiSanzo back to life.
“I ran and got a carpet and put it underneath her head because I know to put it underneath there,” Martucci said. “She was not breathing, so I started CPR immediately.”
Martucci told Scott she relied on CPR training she got 25 years ago.
“The adrenaline was going and I just had to do something,” she said. “I mean, [DiSanzo] fell. She was turning blue, so next thing I know I was doing CPR, chest compressions on her.”
“If they hadn’t taken action immediately, I would be dead,” DiSanzo said.
Suzan Martucci is one helluva impressive woman — quick thinking and acting. Improvising with the rolled-up carpet was nothing short of brilliant.
SCORE: Walmart, The Elderly, and three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Suzan.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Hailed to the King, Baby
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 22 points for a respectable average of 4.4.
This was one of those weeks where I thought the quality of the stories was a bit higher than the actual scores.
Bravo, Florida Man. And Brava, Florida Woman.
Meanwhile, in Colorado...
I'm not sure I've ever seen quite such an impressive display of chutzpah:
Colorado Man [during his own trial] filed a default judgment against an Alamosa County judge claiming the judge owed him $425,000, filed a power of attorney document proclaiming his legal authority over the judge, filed a judgment document increasing the awarded damages to almost $7 million, then repeatedly messaged the judge's personal email address demanding payment.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the "Five O'Clock Somewhere" VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern on Mondays and Fridays. There is sometimes a special guest and almost always day-drinking.
You can join the cause (and the cocktails) right here.
