It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news. Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man Accused of Swiping Pricey Elvis Jacket from Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino
Florida Man got busted this week after he and his female accomplice swiped an Elvis jacket worth almost $12,000 from the Seminole Hard Rock in February.
CORRECTION: Any Elvis jacket is priceless. You can't put a price on the King, baby.
It was an almost perfect plan. All Florida Man had to do was slip into the restricted area, snag the jacket, hand it off to his accomplice to sneak it out, not get caught on any of the casino's restricted area surveillance cameras, and maybe not use his driver’s license to get a cash advance at that same casino that same night. It also might have helped if Florida Man didn't have a rap sheet longer than the JXL 12" remix of "A Little Less Conversation."
Florida Man nailed it, except for the part where they did have him on video, they did have his DL info on the night of the heist, and he does have a serious rap sheet.
Missed it by that much.
Elvis' jacket remains at large.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Crime of the Century, Caught on Video, Caught Stupidly (It isn't often you get both "caughts" in one story), Casino/Resort/Theme Park, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
This Bud's for... Me, Actually
Florida Man cracks open beer as police move in on him because he wants to ‘drink it while it's cold'
So you know how sometimes the police will come to your house if you fire a couple of shots in the direction of your neighbor?
I mean, not firsthand or anything — but we can make a safe guess on this one, yes?
Well, when the police show up at Florida Man's house — guns drawn, of course — after he fired a couple of shots in the direction of his neighbor, the police ask him if he's carrying a weapon, and he says no, but there are guns in the house, he then says, "This beer is cold sir, and I want to drink it… I just want to drink this beer. Is that cool?"
The report doesn't say, but I'm guessing that Florida Man did indeed drink his cold beer while negotiating with police about coming out of the house and into custody.
SCORE: Weapon (preferably unusual), Drugs/Alcohol, Stand-Off, Caught on Video, and I have to give this guy a first-ever three Bonus Points for Élan.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: BOOM: White House Blows Up as Israel Hits Iran
DUMMY TEXT FOR HEADLINE
Florida Woman forgets ABCs during sobriety test: ‘It was so many years ago’
True story.
Years and years ago, a guy I knew practiced saying the alphabet backward while drunk until he could recite it backward without fail. He wasn't even a problem drinker or reckless enough to drive drunk. But he had been a Boy Scout, and I guess he took that "Be prepared" motto more seriously than most. He certainly took it with more beer.
Flash forward to 2024, and 61-year-old Florida Woman who couldn't remember the alphabet frontward — even while singing the silly song. “A…B…C..it was so many years ago,” she said during the sobriety test.
According to News Channel 8's report, Florida Woman was "so intoxicated that she had to be evaluated at the hospital before going to jail."
Get help, please. With the drinking and the remedial English.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Likely Story.
I know it's only two points, but making excuses for forgetting the alphabet song? That's classic Florida Woman.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida man arrested after allegedly pelting roommate with pizza dough
Ready Or Not, Here They Come
DUI suspect found hiding behind tree at Lakeside Landing after crash
You know what I hate?
So sometimes maybe you've had a few too many and you really shouldn't be driving but you've also had enough that driving seems like a pretty good idea anyway and so you're cruising along County Road 114 or maybe it was County Road 121 because who the hell knows when they give them almost the same names when all out of nowhere this concrete wall appears in the middle of the road totally out of nowhere and you smack your Altima into it real hard and you get all these abrasions all over your body and you all like "Bobby you forgot your seatbelt again" but it doesn't matter because you're not driving anywhere in that wreck so you hide behind a tree until the cops show up but you're all like "I'm behind this tree where they'll never find me" but then they do find you and you blow way over the limit so then you and your fresh abrasions are sitting in county lockup.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Mayhem, Fleeing the Scene, Chutzpah, Should Have Taken the L, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
Only in Florida (Video of the Week)
They helped a stranded shark back into the water on a Florida beach
— Science girl (@gunsnrosesgirl3) April 18, 2024
pic.twitter.com/ER5xIKwTso
Kids, don't try this at home. Or anywhere else.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Woman survives traumatic crash after getting blood transfusion on the scene
Earlier this month, Florida Woman Lori McMinn and her sister were making a left when an oncoming car hit them so hard that Lori would have been dead without an on-the-scene blood transfusion by EMTs.
Lori and the Orange County Fire Rescue officer who provided the life-saving treatment, Captain Dyana Alexander, reunited at the firehouse shortly after her release from the hospital. "For your children to have an opportunity to say ‘I love you, Mom,’ again is really special," Capt. Alexander said at the meet-up.
I should have warned you about the internet-transmissible onion fumes that accompany this story, but there's more.
Orange County recently started a program where three captains carry a cooler with two liters of O-positive blood just for cases like Lori's. She was the first to receive an on-the-scene transfusion under the program. "If any liters go unused after ten days," Fox 35 reported, "they’ll take them back to the hospital, where they’ll be used that day, and the firefighters will trade them out for fresh blood."
So smart.
We have two heroes this week: Capt. Dyana Alexander and whoever initiated this program.
SCORE: 5 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, 3 to Capt. Alexander and 2 to "whoever."
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Dad Dishes Out Some Rough Justice at Disney World
So, How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 26 points for a near-record average of 5.2!
Meanwhile, in Missouri...
I don't blame the kid for missing the One Way sign. He could probably barely see over the dash.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
