It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have Florida Man's well-deserved Disney World beating, the birthday girl who swears she only had one shot of tequila, and Ireland Man's revealing court appearance.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man arrested for touching himself, groping EMS paramedic during transport
He didn't steal the ambulance, but he did try to steal her heart.
Florida Man had locked himself in a bathroom at the Cancer Center Alliance of Naples, complaining of foot pain and a bug bite. When the police showed up, they found him "standing next to a pile of paper towels."
That's one of those don't ask, don't tell situations.
From there, they tried to take him to the Naples Comprehensive Health Downtown Hospital, but they refused to let him in due to "disorderly and destructive behavior." But he must have been excited to be there — or maybe he just really enjoyed being strapped down to the stretcher; I try not to judge — because he had an unmistakable erection, was fondling himself, and then fondled a female EMT's thigh before repeatedly trying to escape.
That did not win him her heart. It did, however, earn him a free trip to the Naples Jail Center.
Let's hope that Florida Man gets the mental health treatment — and the love — he deserves.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Public nudity, Attempted Escape (new!), Resisting Arrest, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
I Wanna Party with You, Cowgirl
Tequila-drinking birthday girl found napping in car on I-75
Florida Woman, age 28 and not at all unattractive, was found by police passed out and parked on the northbound ramp of I-75 near Bushnell. It was her birthday and there had been all these people trying to buy her shots, but she told police she'd refused.
Except for just one "large shot" of "1800 tequila."
Maybe it's just my practical experience with 28-year-old single birthday girls, but I'd wager the car payment that the one shot could have filled a small bucket but had been thoughtfully divvied up into 11 or 12 shot glasses and/or oversized cactus-theme margarita glasses.
#ProTip: Nobody ever just has one shot of tequila
Two more things.
The first is that while Florida Woman might not have been wise, or even honest, at least she had enough sense to pull over and sleep it off. The second is that I remember far too well when 28-year-olds who liked their tequila a little too much were my bread and butter — and it's amazing we're all still alive.
I even got to marry one. We drank tequila again last night.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Likely Story, and a bonus point for the first nice mugshot I've seen in ages.
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Another Brave Israeli Buys His First Firearm
Can You Hear Me Now?
Police and rescue on scene for a man who claimed to be a T-Mobile employee shutting down the power to a cell tower in Miami, Florida, then proceeded to climb up and is reportedly making threats and throwing items. pic.twitter.com/KbrWZywq9d
— Breaking News (@TheNewsTrending) April 3, 2024
Florida Man seems to have known exactly what he was doing when he put on a T-Mobile t-shirt, climbed a Miami cell tower, disconnected several gray boxes that the police said are "actually very hot" without hurting himself, threw some items 150 feet down to the ground below, negotiated calmly with police about coming down, explaining, "I’ve got a job to do, I’ve got to finish my job," before finally climbing down after a few hours, shaking hands with the police, and thanking everyone present.
We just don't know why he was doing what he was doing.
SCORE: Élan, Caught on Video, Went Viral, Way to Take the L, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points
Only in Florida (Video of the Week)
*Florida dogs have entered the chat* pic.twitter.com/uWkDb7s8qR
— more_meat_loaf (@more_meat_loaf) April 11, 2024
My Golden is so old that he won't even go outside until he really very seriously needs to pee.
Bonus Florida Headline: 78-year-old Port St. Lucie man arrested for exposing himself to shoppers at T.J. Maxx, Bealls
I did not think at first that said "Bealls."
Oscar the Pantsless Grouch
Man Found Drunk, Naked, Sitting In Garbage Can
You know what I hate?
So sometimes you're in downtown St. Petersburg and maybe you had a couple and maybe you aren't entirely sure why you don't have all your clothes on or where they might have ended up but that's cool because it's not like you're in New Jersey or some crappy cold place so shrinkage is not a problem if you know what I mean but then you're getting a little tired and you need a place to hang out and chill without letting it all hang out if you know what I mean so you climb into this trashcan that looks pretty clean for a trashcan and you're all chill in there or maybe shouting a little but for whatever reason the cops show up and they're all going on about how you're drunk and disorderly and half-naked in a trashcan and you're all like "I gotta American right to be drunk and disorderly and half-naked in a trashcan" and then they're asking you for your name and ID and you're all like "I don't gotta give that to you" and then next thing you know you're drunk and disorderly and half-naked in a jail cell.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Public Nudity, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
He Needed a Good A**-Kicking
Drunk Florida Man beat up after making fun of Disney World guest with Down syndrome
Here is one clear and justifiable case of FAFO.
Florida Man was doing shots at a restaurant at Disney World (bad idea), then made his way to a table of four and started making fun of one of the patrons for having Down Syndrome (worse idea). The mom asked if he was making fun of her daughter, and that's when Florida Man got violent (terrible idea), shoving the mom and slapping another guest.
Then the dad beat Florida Man well enough — the dad's right and privilege in this case — that yet another guest had to pull him off.
Florida Man faces charges. The dad does not.
It really is the happiest place on Earth.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Glamor Mugshot, Resort/Theme Park, and three bonus points to Dad for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: How About a Nice Game of Global Thermonuclear Shoplifting?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 23 points for a respectable average of 4.6.
Meanwhile, in Ireland...
Naked defendant appears in court after support cat goes missing during traffic stopI can't even begin to unpack all that, so I'll just leave you with this quote: "Judge Quirke heard the motorist refused to wear his clothes when brought to the courthouse."
And here I thought from the headline that he'd only been arrested naked.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the "Five O'Clock Somewhere" VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern on Mondays and Fridays. There is sometimes a special guest and almost always day-drinking.
You can join the cause (and the cocktails) right here.
