It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news and this week we have one quick-witted assault victim, $100,000 worth of stolen bacon, and Tennessee Man using the wrong kind of donuts to trick the police.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man accused of impersonating officer, running red light
Maybe, after reading that headline, you think this story is too lame for the top spot on Florida Man Friday. That's what I thought, too, until I got into the details.
Florida Man went through more trouble than most fake cops. He didn't just have a fake badge and maybe a uniform. Oh, no — he dressed up his whole car. His Dodge Charger (of course) had a cop push bumper up front, and he even put red and blue LEDs on top.
I don't know how long Florida Man had been cruising around in his fake cruiser, but he seems to have lost patience waiting at a red light on Commercial Way in Spring Hill. So he flipped on his flashers, pulled around the car in front of him, and sped right through the red.
Can you guess what happened next?
The car he pulled out in front of was an unmarked Hernando County Sheriff's Department cruiser. Florida Man got pulled right the heck over and admitted to the whole thing because what else was there to do?
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Impersonation, Instant Karma, Getting Caught Stupidly, Way to Take the L, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
The Most Magical, Spittiest Place on Earth
Drunk Florida Man Arrested at Walt Disney World Had to be Carted Off in a Spit Mask
So spit masks are a thing I didn't know about until just now. But you get to wear one — twice! — if you get rip-roaring drunk at Disney's House of Blues Orlando:
“After being secured in handcuffs a spit mask was subsequently placed on Pagan for his and officers safety. Pagan was searched at the front of my vehicle and briefly became unresponsive,” the deputy wrote in Pagan’s arrest report. “When he became responsive again he appeared as though he was going to throw up and so for Pagan’s safety, the spit mask was briefly removed from the area around his mouth.”
Freed from the spit mask, Pagan spat on the deputy’s arm.
Authorities put the spit mask back on him.
Well, yeah.
You've tried spitting once and they put the spit mask on you. I'm thinking the spit mask can't be fun and it's certainly one of the less graceful ways to exit House of Blues Orlando — although I'm sure they've seen worse.
But when the police take the spit mask off you, what makes you think they won't put it right back on if you get all spitty again?
#ProTrip: If you run any kind of nightclub, try posting a "No Spitting" sign.
SCORE: Casino/Resort/Theme Park, Drugs/Alcohol, Spit Mask (new!), Resisting Arrest, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Trump Can't Ditch the Income Tax for Tariffs, But Here's What He Could Do
My Hero
Florida Man arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of frozen bacon
"Honey," I said to my wife Melissa after reading this report, "we're gonna need a bigger freezer."
According to an arrest report, the theft happened in the early morning hours of Sept. 2, when a 53-foot refrigerated semi-trailer valued at $80,000 and containing 192 pounds of frozen bacon valued at $100,000 was stolen from a parking lot in Daytona Beach.
Surveillance video captured the theft and showed a blue SUV canvassing the area and parking next to the stolen trailer.
The SUV left and then a semi-truck arrived, hooked up the trailer and drove off, the report said.
A blue Volvo XC 90 was captured by a license plate reader near the scene of the theft, and another license plate reader later captured the trailer, followed by the Volvo, the report said.
Thanks to all the video, police were able to find Florida Man and the stolen bacon, but something doesn't add up.
$100,000 for 192 pounds of bacon is $521 per pound!
If that's the case, I've got about six pounds of solid gold in the basement chest freezer — and Bidenflation is way worse than anyone dares to admit.
But numbers aside, anyone who takes off with almost 200 pounds of bacon is my kind of thief, although you won't be shocked to learn that Florida Man was on probation for racketeering.
Exit Question: Anyone know where to get one of those license-plate obscuring devices? Asking for a friend with extra space in his chest freezer.
SCORE: Surveillance Video, Recidivism, and a bonus point for all that delicious bacon.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Loaded Gun Found In Florida Man's Bag At Philly International Airport
Just one? Hardly seems worth mentioning.
Another Night in Naples
Florida Man driving stolen truck leads troopers on pursuit, tries hiding in drainage canal
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you want to rob some stuff so you steal a truck and after you rob that place in Lee County you're driving that thing like you stole it because you did but then the cops try to pull you over so you just slam your foot down on the pedal but no matter how fast you try and go the cops are keeping up with you and then one of them tries that PIT maneuver like you saw on TV and the next thing you know the truck has gone off the road and rolled over on the driver's side but you manage to get out anyway because you're all like "I ain't going to jail again" and you're running on foot but you can hear the cops so you hide in this drainage ditch but the cops find you anyway and they get the cuffs on you even though you resisted real hard and they won't even let you keep the stuff you stole?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Police Chase, PIT Maneuver/Stop Sticks, Hide & Seek, Resisting, Crime Spree, Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Woman rescued after calling 911 to 'order pizza'This one could give you nightmares:
Deputies stopped an alleged attempted sexual assault in Volusia County, Florida, on October 19, after a woman let dispatchers know she was in trouble by pretending to order a pizza, according to Sheriff Mike Chitwood.
Volusia County Sheriff's Office released parts of the 911 call in a separate video, where the woman can be heard asking to order a pizza.
The dispatcher asked her if she knew she was calling 911, and she said yes.
The sheriff's office was able to track her cellphone to a field in Pierson, a rural area with many ferneries, according to Chitwood.
"Deputies got out on foot and began to search those ferneries. Eventually, they heard loud music coming from a field. When they approached the sound, they discovered a male on top of a screaming female," Chitwood said.
Bodycam video of the rescue shows the woman pleading for help as deputies arrive.
Sure, Florida Woman's quick thinking saved her — but think of all the other women who won't get assaulted by this scumbag now that he's in jail.
SCORE: Police Bodycam, 3 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Florida Woman, plus one each to the two responding deputies.
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Now That's One Devoted Swiftie
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 25 points for a five-point average.
That's a solid week.
Meanwhile, in Tennessee...
Dodging the Cops by Doing Donuts? Meet the Challenger Who Tried
I can't even remember how many years I've been doing Florida Man Friday, but this guy from Tennessee might have done the dumbest stunt I've ever seen.
A video like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the Five O'Clock Somewhere VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Catherine Salgado at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be election-inspired day drinking.
