It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the mysterious case of the tell-tale iPhone, an O.J Simpson impersonator, and going to jail for Taylor Swift.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman Plows Through Jensen Beach Restaurant
When I first read that Florida Woman drove a golf cart through a restaurant fast enough to cause at least one serious injury, it was a sure thing she'd earn a point for Drugs/Alcohol.
But it turns out she was sober.
When I saw the golf cart belonged to a nearby resort, I started to prep the Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It award.
Denied again. Apparently, she was an employee at the resort.
Fleeing the Scene of her earlier crime?
Nope.
Police are investigating but it looks like this one is just because of Florida, man.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Surveillance Video, Vehicular Madness, Golf Cart, Casino/Resort/Theme Park, plus a bonus point for repeatedly confounding my expectations.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
None-Too-Swift
Desperate Florida Man arrested for posing as security guard to sneak into Taylor Swift concert
Italy Man's first effort at being Florida Man went rather well, considering.
An Italian Uber driver put on a real suit and a fake badge and posed as a security officer to get into a Taylor Swift concert in Miami.
He had a suit and a badge. What more does a Swiftie need? Oh, right — a ticket.
Instead of a ticket, he had a story about being hired by four women (who did have tickets) to serve as their security, even though he was only their driver. He also had a story about working for "multiple companies" providing security. That's the story he told as he was being led right back out of the venue.
Later, he told police the whole story and is now stuck in custody on an immigration hold.
Next time, just spring for the ticket. And a date.
SCORE: Impersonation, Likely Story, Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, Way to Take the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: The Interlocking Genius of Elon Musk
Hoisted by His Own iPhone
Young Florida Man, age 20, can look forward to a long future as a major screw-up.
A series of church burglaries — at least one caught on video — led police to Florida Man, whom police found with "a bag of marijuana, a loaded stolen firearm, an orange hammer 'window breaker tool,' black gloves, a metal tip coat hanger, and an iPhone."
He's practically a Boy Scout, he's so prepared.
His iPhone search history included:
- "how to cut a shirt into a ninja mask"
- "nike ski mask formula"
- "community bible study near me"
- "where do church keep money"
- "do church's have safes"
- "what business keep cash inside"
- "Ways to make quick money illegal reddit"
- Extensive "church near me" searches
I'm dying here. There's nothing more to add other than to suggest you read the list another time or two because it just gets funnier.
SCORE: Criminal Mastermind, Surveillance Video, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Tactical Gear, Drugs/Alcohol, Getting Caught Stupidly.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man arrested for sleeping on Walmart roof with gun in hand
I thought this was America.
'Sir, Do You Have Any Idea How Fast Slow You Were Going?'
Florida Man leads law enforcement on one of the slowest chases in county history
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you and your buddy are cruising around in your bitchin' Kia Sorento when some stupid deputy pulls you over when you haven't even done anything yet but you've got all those outstanding warrants so you come up with this slick trick where you and your buddy switch places so he'll be the one in the driver's seat but the cop is coming up quick and your buddy is moving too slow so you just push him right out of the car and you speed off without him and you're racing along just fine until you hit this other car so hard that you can't drive your car fast anymore even though it's a Sorento and the cops practically walk up in front of you with a stop stick so now you've got this flat tire and you end up in a ditch and the cops are yelling at you to get out but you're all like "no way man" then the cops break the rear window with a Shatterball which you didn't even know was a thing so you finally get out and the next thing you know you're on the ground in cuffs even though you haven't even really done anything yet except for maybe later at the hospital where you tried to bite that cop?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Impersonation (O.J. Simpson), Vehicular Madness, Police Chase, PIT Maneuver/Stop Sticks, Police Bodycam, Resisting Arrest, Outstanding Warrant(s), Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
That scene in so many movies and shows you've seen so many times? It happened:
Officials with Fort Lauderdale Fire Rescue told WSVN Jade Turner was being driven to the hospital by her sister when her water broke. She then realized her baby was coming any minute.
“When I saw that the cars were backed up from the bridge I was like, ‘I’m not going to make it,'” Turner said in a video posted by the fire department.
Turner and her sister pulled off to the side of the road and called 911. Deputy Fire Chief Garrett Pingol was reportedly nearby and rushed over to help, alongside officers with the Fort Lauderdale Police Department.
“He knew immediately that the baby would be born any second,” firefighters said.
They got Jade into the back of the ambulance on a stretcher and took off toward the hospital down the wrong side of Davie Boulevard. It was on Davie that the baby was born.
Wrong-Way Turner sounds like a great name, doesn't it? But I'm sure Jade picked something nicer.
VodkaPundit True Fact: Not even close to the same thing, but when Melissa was expecting our first child, she waited so long to wake me after the contractions started — she thought she was having 3 a.m. stomach cramps — that I barely got her to the hospital in time for the epidural. I did have to run a red light though. The best part was when she told me she was having stomach cramps, and the look on her face when I asked, "How far apart are they?"
Let's get to the points, shall we?
SCORE: One bonus point for sheer Awesomeness each to all four first responders who showed up at the hospital to share the love, one to Jade's sister for trying her best, one to Jade, and one more to Wrong-Way.
RUNNING TOTAL: 30 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Don't Mess With His Favorite Flamethrower
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 30 points for a rock-solid average of 6 FMF points.
That's two high-scoring weeks in a row.
Meanwhile, Here in Colorado...
Colorado Man accused of nearly running over deputy before high-speed chase and standoff in barn
All that on a Wednesday morning?
Bravo, Colorado Man — you make us proud.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ed Morrissey at 3 p.m. sharp(ish) today.
