Florida Man Friday: Don't Mess With His Favorite Flamethrower

Florida Man Points Flamethrower At Police – Gets Tased

Hurricane Milton had barely passed when Florida Man decided to spend a relaxing Monday evening blowing stuff up in the neighborhood with his favorite flamethrower.

(If you do not have a favorite flamethrower, you do not have enough flamethrowers. If you do have a favorite, you still don't have enough flamethrowers.)

The police showed up, as they always seem to do in these situations. They ordered Florida Man — at gunpoint, mind you — to pretty please stop blowing stuff up and put down the flamethrower. 

You can probably guess what happened next: Florida Man refused and, instead, aimed the flamethrower at one of the cops. Why they didn't open a dozen 9mm holes in him right then is a mystery. Instead — thank goodness — a cop managed to wrangle the flamethrower away.

Instead of surrendering, Florida Man hid in his house and a standoff ensued. He tried to blind police with a flashlight for whatever reason but got well and truly tasered instead. That must have taken the fight out of him because he did not resist arrest.

Details on the flamethrower from the B1039 report: 

I can’t be 100% for certain, but that appears to be the Pulsefire LRT. $629.99 shipped. According to the company website “The patented Pulsefire is the ultimate compact, lightweight, fully handheld flamethrower that sends a blast of fire 25 feet away with the press of a button. Not legal in MD.”

I think I speak for everyone here when I say, "Screw Maryland."

Exit question: When someone does get shot a dozen or more times by the police, should we call that "Glock conditioning?"

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say but c'mon), Stand-Off, Instant Karma, Tasered, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, Should Have Taken the L, plus a bonus point for letting me know I can buy internet flamethrowers. 

TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.

Rehab Is for Quitters

Florida Woman escapes involuntary drug rehab, steals man’s car and runs him over twice

This one is kinda awful so before we begin, I'll tell you that the injured man was airlifted to the hospital and hopefully he'll be OK.

Florida Woman had just been committed to involuntary drug rehab under the state's Marchman Act, but she wasn't having any of it. Still blitzed out of her mind, she escaped, carjacked a 70-year-old man, and backed up over him. Nurses ran up and pleaded for Florida Woman to let them get the man out from under the car but she put it in D and took off instead — running over him again.

She didn't make it far. Police were nearby, so she stopped and tried to flee on foot.

Florida Woman is up on all the charges and no bond because this ain't California, Jack.

Prayers for the victim, please. You know I don't usually cover stories like this one, but there was so much going on that I just had to.

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Breakout (new!), Vehicular Madness, Fleeing, Resisting, The Elderly, Glamour Mugshot.

RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points. 

Exclusively for our VIPs: TRUMP 47: The Foreign Policy Preview

Man, What a Ride

Florida Man Rides Jet Ski Through His Own Flooded House

SCORE: Really Bad Weather, Élan, Boating Mayhem, Went Viral.

RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man's DIY strapped-down house makes it through Hurricane Milton unscathed

That's an update to a story from last week if you were curious how it turned it. 

Don't Do That; Don't Do Any of That

Naked Florida Man says he's Satan, attacks woman at Hialeah apartment

You know what I hate?

You know how sometimes you strip down naked and break into this neighbor woman's apartment when she steps out and you're taking her husband's underwear from the drawer but then she comes back and she's screaming at you so you try to calm her down by jumping on her and telling her you're Satan and she's a pedophile and it's her last day on Earth and that's OK because you're also her husband but then she's yelling out the door how there's this naked man in her apartment and then for whatever reason the cops show up and you're yelling at them how you didn't do anything wrong and your mom is all like "please don't take my boy to court" to the woman and you're all like "mom you're embarrassing me" but the woman is all like "I could’ve died in this situation… I don’t wish ill on anyone, but I think there needs to be justice" and you're trying to figure out what the justice is for running around naked saying you're the devil and that's when the drugs really kick in.

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say but c'mon), Public Nudity, Face/Neck Tattoos, Likely Story, Dude You OK?

RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points. 

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

With houses ripped apart, Lakewood Park man transports injured to safety in Spanish Lakes area

When disaster strikes, it's usually because of something Florida Man set fire to, drove his car into, or snorted. But sometimes he's there to help:

Despite the destruction, some stories of heroism and selflessness are beginning to emerge, including that of Lakewood Park resident Doug Anderson.

Anderson was returning home from an errand at about 5 p.m. Wednesday when he witnessed firsthand the sheer power of a tornado, which knocked a semi-truck on its side. He followed the wreckage to locate the driver.

"It looked like someone had dropped a weight from the sky and flattened a bunch of houses," Anderson said.

Anderson arrived to help people who were injured by the tornadoes, assisting some Sheriff's deputies already on scene. He was able to use his truck to help move injured persons to a nearby medical triage center at the Spanish Lakes clubhouse.

For five long hours Anderson ferried people to the tent. Many had sustained serious injuries, including a woman he transported who suffered a broken leg and two broken wrists. Dried blood still stains his truck.

Exit quote: "I had never been in that position before. But I saw the position arise. I can't stand to see people in need."

SCORE: Really Bad Weather, Élan, plus one bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness for each hour Anderson was on the job for a total of five.

RUNNING TOTAL: 30 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: Lieutenant Dan Is the Man

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 30 points for a high average of 6.

Way to recover from Hurricane Milton, Florida Man.

Meanwhile, in Minnesota...

Rescue climber plucks man from atop 250-foot-tall radio tower in Eagan

"Police said in a statement that the man, a 51-year-old from Moorhead, Minn., 'appeared to be in a mental health crisis' and was suffering from exposure to the cold."

I'm having a mental health crisis just imagining the Dakota County Special Operations Team guy who had to climb up there, attach himself to Minnesota Man, and then bring him down. 

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday

P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere today at 3 p.m. Eastern with special guest Kevin Downey Jr.