Florida Man Friday: Lieutenant Dan Is the Man

I had feared the worst for Florida Man Joe Malinowski — aka Lieutenant Dan — who insisted on riding out Hurricane Milton in his 20-foot sailboat. He kept it tied to the pier — he wasn't going to sail through the storm. Lt. Dan might be slightly bonkers, but he's not an idiot.

Malinowski got his nickname for his resemblance to Gary Sinise's "Forest Gump" character who lost a leg in Vietnam. Or maybe because he shares Sinise's undeniable chill factor.

"Did the wind come through heavy? Yeah. Was it crazy for a little while? Yes, it was. Did it bother me? No, ‘cause I knew what I was doing," he told Fox News. He wasn't worried about the expected 20-foot surge. "It could be 120, it doesn't matter. The boat floats," he said. "That's the whole thing. If there's water on the outside of the boat, the boat will go up with the water and down with the water."

There's no denying his logic. Tampa police repeatedly insisted that Lt. Dan evacuate, so I guess there's also no arguing with his logic, either. The point is that Joe and his boat both survived Milton.

Before the storm hit, Malinowski explained that there was one thing that could get him to evacuate: "Listen, the only way I'm gonna go to a motel room is if a woman invites me, and she's gonna stay."

Maybe two things, if he's feeling ambitious. 

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: Really Bad Weather, Water Hazard, Went Viral, Élan, Hold My Beer.

TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.

Get Me to the Church on Time

Florida Man doesn’t let flooding stop him from attending friend’s wedding

Now that's a friend:

Riverdale Road in Orange County turned into a river after heavy rains, but that didn’t stop one man from finding a creative way to make it to a friend’s wedding.

Grant Carter was seen kayaking down the flooded street to ensure he had clothes for the special event.

“I went and got a kayak from my parents, paddled down the street, grabbed my keys because I know I locked my doors before I left,” Carter said.

He finished with, “I love you, Noah and Ashley. I can’t wait to be there for your magical day."

SCORE: Water Hazard, Caught on Video, and a bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness.

RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points. 

Recommended: Oh, SNAP! Germany Has a New Way to Defend Yourself Against Machete-Wielding Migrants 

Burning... No, Strapping Down the House

Crazy? Maybe. But it worked:

Rescue efforts are underway to help those affected by the flooding, while there are people who are assessing the damage in the aftermath of Hurricane Milton.

One of those is Pedro Casares, who decided to protect his home by strapping it down before the hurricane hit.

Some people thought it was pretty funny, while others wanted to see what sort of impact it would have, and now, there's been an update.

His daughter has posted a video to TikTok showing the aftermath of Hurricane Milton and fortunately, the house is still there, the straps are still there, and they appear to be in good condition.

She thanked people for worrying about them and said that with 'no crazy damages to the home', she and her dad were going to see if any of their neighbours needed some help.

Bless you both.

SCORE: Really Bad Weather, Caught on Video, Crazy Like a Fox (new!).

RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man allegedly used syringe to squirt ‘unknown liquid’ on girl’s buttocks at Ross Dress for Less, then started filming

There is more "Oh, hell, no!" in that headline than one columnist can handle.

Only in Florida Video

Corvette Summer Autumn

Florida Man Preparing Prized Corvette for Hurricane Milton Sparks Debate

You have a new Corvette C9 — they start at $68k — and there's a Cat 5 hurricane bearing down on you. So you cleverly package it like steak in a Foodsaver bag, except for the part where the plastic bag is heat-sealed to keep all the good stuff in and all the bad stuff out.

He explained, “We also have ventilation at the top, so as [the garage] fills up with water, the air is just going to be displaced at the top of the plastic.”

"The other option is to drive it to a safe location but why would you do that?" Florida Man asked.

I dunno... in case the water rises higher than the top of the plastic sheets? Just spit-balling here.

No word yet on whether Florida 'Vette survived Milton.

SCORE: Very Bad Weather, Went Viral, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points. 

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

‘I Have 5 Acres’: Hurricane Hero Offers to Host Florida Evacuees on His Property

Here's the kicker: "All free too. I think I forgot to write that part. Pasture available for large animals. I’m out clearing some low limbs but I’m making BBQ too."

This next exchange is where the internet-transmissible onion fumes begin to waft through your screen.

No word on how many people were able to take up Daniel on his offer but on Thursday, he did post that he still had some BBQ left.

Milton has passed, but the awesomeness of people like Daniel Beasley remains.

SCORE: Really Bad Weather, Went Viral, the usual three hero-based Sheer Awesomeness points, plus one extra each for including animals, for including WiFi, and for all that delicious BBQ. That's eight points total — either a record or record-tying. 

RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Found a New Way to Ride Out Hurricane Helene

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 23 points for a decent average of 4.6.

But it wasn't about the score this time. 

It was a pleasure sharing some of the sillier Hurricane Milton stories with you, but let's not forget the 16 people (so far) who lost their lives in the storm and in the related tornadoes. They, and the folks who lost everything, or close enough, deserve your thoughts and prayers, too. 

Meanwhile, in Washington State...

Washington Woman calls authorities after finding over 100 raccoons outside her home demanding food

My great-aunt used to make peanut butter sandwiches every single night for friendly neighborhood raccoons. It still shocks me all these years later that she was never eaten by a friendly neighborhood bear. 

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday

P.S. Don't miss the Five O'Clock Somewhere VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Friday. There will be day drinking. 

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