It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have Florida Man's living room kayak adventure, how he turned a surfboard into a rescue boat, and I don't even want to know what that was Tennessee Man got caught doing.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man rides out Hurricane Helene in living room
Life on the Front Range means I get to ride out almost every natural disaster in my living room, watching the news on the sofa. We get the occasional wildfire but not even so much as a pre-evacuation notice in the last 10 years.
Florida Man-style means riding out a hurricane in your living room — in a kayak.
I can't improve on Florida Man telling his story his way, so just watch the clip.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Water Hazard, Really Bad Weather, Went Viral, Hold My Beer, Élan.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
You Can't Touch This
Florida Woman grabs trooper's genitals, bites his leg during arrest
Real life is almost never like the movies, unfortunately. Because instead of Adrienne Barbeau, Tara Buckman, Valerie Perrine, and a Lamborghini Countach, we get Florida Woman driving drunk right into a barrier wall, the police trying mightily to arrest her, and then Florida Woman grabbing one of the cops by the junk and biting his leg.
Details on this fresh story are still scarce, but you probably won't have difficulty filling them in.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Mayhem, Resisting, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Don't Miss: Kamala Must Combat 'Frightening!' Commie Memes, but She Can't Because She Is One
But Then He Got High
(Not quite the clean version — thanks for nothin', YouTube!)
Florida Man accused of stealing over $30K worth of marijuana from dispensary
It's a miracle that the police were ever able to catch up with this criminal mastermind.
Florida Man (allegedly!) broke into Curaleaf, a marijuana dispensary in Port Charlotte. He cleverly disguised himself in dark clothes, some stolen — a point we'll return to momentarily — then used a crowbar to break in. He put cardboard in the door to prevent it from locking. So far, so smart, right? Then for reasons unknown, he got back in his car and drove off somewhere else for about 10 minutes.
Had he left his phone at home or something? The mystery remains.
Florida Man then made several trips between Curaleaf and his car, all caught on video, loading up with $30,000 worth of marijuana and other merchandise.
From the video, police ID'd the brand of boot he was wearing — a brand sold primarily at Walmart. The store's loss prevention team was able to ID Florida Man because he'd shoplifted the boots along with a bunch of other stuff just a few days before.
Police found him at home with all the Curaleaf stuff and the boots. Florida Man is up on pretty much all the charges.
SCORE: Criminal Mastermind, Crime Spree, Surveillance Video, Master of Disguise, Drugs/Alcohol, Walmart, Getting Caught Stupidly.
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Drunk Florida Woman Passed Out At McDonald’s Drive Thru Window
Thieves Break in, but They Can't Break Out
Florida Man finds suspected thief trapped inside his Corvette
You know what I hate?
You know how when you see this sweet Corvette and you know there's got to be some good stuff inside because rich people just leave stuff everywhere and you just happen to have your slim jim on you that you keep for emergencies like this so next thing you know you're in the driver's seat looking for whatever he's got stashed in the console and the glove compartment or whatever but this rich dude sucks because he didn't leave anything good behind so you're gonna leave but the door handle is some Mensa Rubik's Cube bullstuff that you never saw before and you can't even tell if it's locked or what you're supposed to pull or lift or push so you go "Hey, Siri, open the mothereffin door" to see if that works but then the owner shows up and he's all like "My brother, this is not your car, this is my car" and you're all thinking "no s*** Sherlock who robs their own car now you gonna let me out?" but he's all like "No you can't get out, we're calling the cops" and you kinda got that part figured out already then when the police get there they're all shouting "get out of the car!" and you can no longer even believe this stuff.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Went Viral, Criminal Mastermind, Instant Karma, Getting Caught Stupidly, and a bonus point for I Don't Even Know What (not actually a category) because I know this story is worth more than four points.
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes (Some Ride Surfboards)
Florida Surfer hailed as hero after saving people and pets from Hurricane Helene's brutal wrath
While some in Florida were left stranded by Hurricane Helene, Florida Man surfed into action:
Marty Thomas, from Indian Rocks, Florida, paddled out into the wrath and rescued 12 people and pets using only his surfboard.
Anne McIntosh, a 27-year resident of Indian Rocks, was in her home when the flood waters came in. “The beds were floating. The couch was floating. My brother and his wife were on the counters,” she says. “I was walking around in the back unit just thinking, ‘what am I going to do?’ And all of a sudden I hear a voice, and he’s saying, ‘We’ll get you. We’ll get you.'”
The brave surfer pried the doors to McIntosh’s house open and paddled her and her giant St. Bernard to safety before heading right back out into the maelstrom to save many others.
But wait, there's more.
One of the women Marty rescued said, "He’s an angel walking. He is the hero of Indian Rocks Beach now. And you do it so gracefully. Thank you. And I love you for it."
Marty, clearly the hoopy frood Douglas Adams promised us, replied, "Thank you. I appreciate that. You’re pretty awesome yourself."
SCORE: Water Hazard, Really Bad Weather, the usual three hero bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness plus a fourth for being so awesomely chill.
RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: She Punched Out a Gator to Save Her Dog
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 27 points for an above-average average of 5.4.
Meanwhile, in Tennessee...
“What’s the charge? Enjoying a meal? A succulent Smokey Dawg in Neyland Stadium?” pic.twitter.com/xJ7m9eCqUo
— The Drunk Republican (@DrunkRepub) September 27, 2024
Yeah, I got nothing.
A photo like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Very Special Guest (he pays me $20 to tack on the "Very") Larry O'Connor today at 3 p.m. Eastern.
