Florida Man Friday: She Punched Out a Gator to Save Her Dog

So when somebody says, "Drive safe!" a fun thing to tell them is, "Thanks, but I'm going to drive fast and swerve a lot. Don't worry, though. I'm going to leave the headlights off so the cops can't see me — stealth mode, baby."

But it's a really stupid thing to do because that's how Florida Man and Florida Driver got pulled over into a whole world of hurt.

Police somehow failed at failing to notice that Florida Driver was drunk and carrying weed. Spotting the weed was all they needed to search the whole car and that's when Florida Man, sitting in the passenger seat, earned his claim to fame. 

There was cocaine in the center console and a .38 with extra ammo under his seat. And while I'd rather not know the exact sequence of events that led to this next discovery, police also found "two plastic baggies of hard drugs" wrapped around Florida Man's... you know.

Florida Man assured police that those drugs weren't his. He also told them he had more than 80 felony convictions, and that part was true. 

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Getting Caught Stupidly, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), You Hid It WHERE?, Likely Story, Recidivism.

TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.

Ma'am, This Is a No-Parking Tree

I once got rear-ended at a stoplight by Colorado Woman in an SUV because she forgot which was the Go pedal and which was the Stop pedal as she was trying to come to a stop behind me.

No, she wasn't elderly. Neither was Florida Woman driving her very nice Porsche on the third level of a parking garage.

She hit the gas so hard — and kept it floored despite speeding up when, presumably, she was trying to slow down — that she went right through a wall and into a tree. One also presumes that at that point Florida Woman finally removed her foot from the accelerator. Sorry, the "Go pedal." We really do need to keep these things simple for some people. 

SCORE: Vehicular Mayhem, Caught on Video, Went Viral, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points. 

Exclusively for our VIPs: Underappreciated Albums: Queen of Pain

How Is Florida Dealing with Hurricane Helene?

This is probably the most Florida thing I’ve ever seen so far and Hurricane Helene hasn’t even made landfall yet. Man, Florida never disappoints! 😂 pic.twitter.com/lDqNueVdPW

— R A W S A L E R T S (@rawsalerts) September 26, 2024

Like this. Next question?

SCORE: 3 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness because I say so.

RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man faces DUI charges after drunkenly operating excavator

C'mon, how fast could he have been going in an excavator?

It's Always in the Last First Place You Look

Florida Man arrested after attempting to hide cocaine in his nose

You know what I hate?

You know how sometimes you've been doing some partying but the party ain't over yet because you still got all this really fine powder and you're just flying down US-19 without a care in the world but then DAMN you see the flashing police lights in your rearview so you punch it because maybe you can snort literally all the coke before you gotta stop somewhere and then you come up with this genius plan where once you get all the coke in you you're just going to drive on home like it was nothing and that's what you'll tell the police and be all like "Man, we were so close to home I figured I'd just pull over here and let you write that speeding ticket" but somehow they notice that maybe you're not all right and maybe there's still a bunch of coke on your face but you're all like "Hey at least they didn't take my coke."

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Police Chase, You Hid It WHERE? (for the coke), Criminal Mastermind (for leading the cops to his home), Glamour Mugshot, Should Have Taken the L.

RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points. 

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

84-year-old Florida Woman fights off alligator to save dog

The only thing as good as a dog-saves-person story is a person-saves-dog story:

Del Boppel told NBC affiliate WBBH she had a gut feeling that something was wrong just moments before the attack, which happened at a mobile home park in North Fort Myers last week.

“It was like a torpedo. I didn’t see anything go that fast in my life. I didn’t have time to think,” Del Boppel said.

Boppel threw her Shih-Tzu, Queen, up in the air before the alligator chomped. She started punching the gator, and it eventually scurried off, but not before taking a bite out of her hand and leg.

Boppel ended up in the hospital to recover, but she said she's fine because she's going home soon to be with Queen.

SCORE: Five Sheer Awesomeness points for this report. One for getting Queen safely out of the way, another for punching the gator, and one each for each of Florida Woman's two injuries. I'm giving one to Queen, too, because you know she'd have taken on that gator herself if she'd been a little bit bigger.

RUNNING TOTAL: 24 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: Assault With a Deadly... WHAT?

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 24 points for a respectable average of 4.8.

Solid effort, given that almost all of this week's news was about Hurricane Helene. 

Meanwhile, in California...

LAPD raid goes from bad to farce after gun allegedly sucked onto MRI machine

Remember, only the police have the training and discipline necessary to carry firearms:

Officers raided the facility on Oct. 18, 2023, and detained the lone female employee while they searched the business, the lawsuit said. However, they didn’t find a single cannabis plant and only saw a typical medical facility with rooms used for conducting x-rays, ultrasounds, CT scans and MRIs, the owners said. 

The officers then released the employee and told her to call a manager, the lawsuit said, while they continued to wander around various rooms of the facility. The plaintiffs say the officers’ behavior was “nothing short of a disorganized circus, with no apparent rules, procedures, or even a hint of coordination.”

At one point, an officer walked into an MRI room, past a sign warning that metal was prohibited inside, with his rifle “dangling… in his right hand, with an unsecured strap,” the lawsuit said. The MRI machine’s magnetic force then allegedly sucked his rifle across the room, pinning it against the machine.

I imagine LAPD will settle for the damages caused, but that's a shame because the court testimony would be epic.

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday

P.S. Don't miss the Five O'Clock Somewhere VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. today. There's always a good time and almost always day-drinking but I repeat myself.