It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the weirdest crime to do twice, a guy who seriously hates mini-golf, and Colorado Man flubbing his Dr. Richard Kimble moment.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman Arrested Again for Domestic Battery Involving Adult Toy
It isn't what you think.
Just kidding. It's exactly what you think.
So Florida Woman and Florida Boyfriend got a little physical after he found his missing glass sex toy in her backpack. You never know where or when you're going to need one of those, I guess, but maybe pack your own next time. So to speak.
During the scuffle, Florida Woman threw it at Florida Boyfriend, missing him but hitting a door and waking their child. Let's hope the kid was too young to require an explanation of what mommy and daddy were fighting about.
Florida Woman left but Florida Boyfriend reported the incident and police caught up with her shortly.
It's the "again" in the headline that gets me. This was Florida Woman's second arrest in two years for assault involving an adult toy. For that one, Florida Woman was sentenced to 12 months probation and a a mandatory intervention program. Who knew there was a support group for people who throw sex toys at their baby daddy?
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Domestic Bliss, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, and I have to give Florida Boyfriend one for Should Have Taken the L after reporting his glass dildo to the police. Show some self-respect, man.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
He Got Putt-Putt in Jail
Florida Man in underwear accused of burglarizing, damaging mini golf course
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you see one of those mini-golf places and you just get all angry because who do they think they're fooling with that stupid windmill and those tiny little pencils that are never sharp enough so it's like four in the morning and maybe you've been drinking and maybe some other stuff and there's that mini-golf place so you break in to do some damage but you're real smart about when you break the motion detector because who's going to detect you now — right? — and you're tearing down signs — par four, my white butt! — and breaking a window and stripping down to your underwear but then the cops show up and you can't figure out how because you broke the motion detector but they figured it out anyway and now you're sitting in jail in just your underwear?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Public Nudity, Drugs/Alcohol, Surveillance Video, Golf, Went Viral, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Underappreciated Albums: Queen of Pain
25 for the Road
Florida Man parked in turn lane found with Corona beer
So Florida Man passed out in a turn lane on U.S. Hwy. 27/441 at 10 on a Tuesday night, as one does. Police couldn't help but notice his car parked there. They also couldn't help but notice that he reeked of alcohol or the four bottles of Corona beer on the passenger side. And that he was wearing no shoes but one sock.
Florida Man spoke no English but, when a Spanish-speaking officer arrived at the scene, he admitted to having 25 beers since 5 p.m.
That's 25 beers in five hours, minus however long he'd been asleep.
Impressive.
Exit question: How long was he waiting to turn before he passed out?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Hold My Beer, Way to Take the L, The Villages, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man arrested for keeping alligators in his backyard swimming pool
He was arrested wearing a t-shirt and a vintage pair of Bad Idea Jeans.
Is She in the Circus?
Florida Woman attacks, throws steak knives at man after leaving her at a bar
Florida Woman got in a little spat with Florida Man because he wanted to leave and she clearly hadn't had enough.
So when she met back up with him at home later, she did what anyone one of us would do after a minor disagreement over when to go home. She attacked him with a bottle opener and a set of steak knives. I'm assuming Florida Man had just come in second in that month's sales contest.
Florida Woman turned out to be surprisingly skilled at knife-throwing, striking him in the back and in his ear as he ran away. This was after she'd stabbed him in the arm with the first knife. His injuries were minor but, as someone who dabbled in a little knife- and axe-throwing, it isn't as easy as it looks.
Exit question: With her knife skills, why'd she bother with the bottle opener?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Domestic Bliss, Glamor Mugshot, and a bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness on her knife-throwing skills.
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes — Some Wear Vests
Meet Justice — a courageous canine from Tampa who's in the running for America's 2024 Hero Dog
Caution: this report contains internet-transmissible onion fumes.
American Humane officially announced the top 25 semi-finalists in its annual Hero Dog Awards. Justice, a six-year-old black Lab, is one of the top five dogs in the "service dog" category.
The four-legged champion came into her owner's life in February 2020, according to a press release. At the time, handler Mike was in a dark place, "nearly becoming one of the '22' veterans lost to suicide daily."
Mike was a dedicated Air Force veteran who served until 1995, including Desert Storm, and later became a law enforcement officer for over two years, according to American Humane. He was eventually forced into medical retirement in 2016 due to Parkinson-like tremors, and he suffered from severe depression, anxiety and PTSD.
But then, Justice came along.
"With her by his side, he began to reclaim his life, even celebrating the birth of his first grandchild," the press release stated. "Now, Justice and her partner are committed to helping others overcome PTSD and embrace the healing power of service dogs."
You can vote for Justice until Oct. 9 on the Hero Dog Awards website.
Since I usually cap the Sheer Awesomeness points at three, I'm going to do a little something different this week.
SCORE: Mike gets three Sheer Awesomeness bonus points — one for his service, another for his recovery, and the third for using his recovery to help others. Justice also gets the usual three, plus a one-time-only Bonus Treat for being the best girl. That's a total of seven and, if you think I'm just running up the total for these two... well, can you blame me?
RUNNING TOTAL: 28 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Asked the Cops to Test His 'Bad' Drugs
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 28 points for a solid average of 5.6.
Meanwhile, in Colorado...
Jumping in the water never works — unless you're Harrison Ford, there's a one-armed man involved, and Tommy Lee Jones doesn't care. And both of those guys are getting too old for this stuff.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the Five O'Clock Somewhere VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern today.
