It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the North Carolina couple who really shouldn't have gone to the Keys, how not to do neighborhood watch, and California Man's lesson on how to make a Frontier flight even worse — impressive.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man asks deputy to test his 'bad' drugs after burglarizing home over barking dogs
That is a lot to unpack in one headline.
So Florida Deputy got flagged down on the road by Florida Homeowner who said Florida Man had burglarized his home with his family there. In Florida Man's defense (???), he told the deputy he'd broken in because he heard dogs barking inside. The owner had Ring video or something similar of Florida Man looking in the window.
As one does.
During his little chat with the deputy, Florida Man also just kind of casually mentioned that he'd bought some "bad" drugs and asked the deputy if he could test them to see if they were all right.
Sure enough, Florida Man had a plastic baggie of meth on him and the meth was bad enough to make him break into someone's house to look at their dogs, I guess.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Surveillance Video, Criminal Mastermind, and two counts of WTF Were You Even THINKING? (One for the break-in and the other for the accidental confession.)
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Put on Your Big Boy Pants or Any Pants at All, Please
Florida Man’s Attempt To ‘Spice Up’ Neighborhood Watch Lands Him In Monroe County Jail
So Florida Man decided for reasons I'm not sure even he understands to make it his habit to wander naked into his neighbor's yard and play with his garden hose, if you know what I mean.
Of course, you know what I mean. What a silly thing for me to write.
Florida Resident captured Florida Man in solo flagrante delicto on home video at least once and finally called the police. The report says she was "bemused." And perhaps a little grossed out.
Confronted by police, Florida Man quickly took the L and has been charged with burglary, indecent exposure, and harassment.
Can't anybody have a good time anymore?
SCORE: Public Nudity, Way to Take the L, Glamor Mugshot, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Underappreciated Albums: 'Hearts and Bones'
How (Not) to Get a Job in Today's Economy
Woman in Florida Keys for job interview crashes into bar while drunk, spits on deputy
My Florida people will back me up here when I say that out-of-staters really shouldn't come to the Sunshine State unless they're sure they can handle it — and maybe not even then.
North Carolina Woman and her husband were in Big Pine Key (big news week for Big Pine!) so she could meet with a potential employer. Most people might spend the night before the interview polishing the points they want to make during the job interview.
North Carolina Woman spent it at Coconuts Bar & Liquor Store, where she "purchased a bottle of Crown Royal and drank approximately half of the bottle in about (five) minutes." At some point during their night out, North Carolina Man hit North Carolina Woman. So she drove off — or tried to. Instead, she drove their pickup into the side of the bar.
P/R/N/D/1/2/3 — so many letters and numbers to choose from!
She failed the field sobriety test but succeeded at being drunk and belligerent after her arrest.
Another deputy said that “during the 20-minute observation period, Kimberly spat on his face and then fell out of the chair and onto the floor.”
“Kimberly then grabbed his leg and pants and would not let go after (he) gave multiple verbal commands to do so,” the report states. The deputy had to use “mechanical compliance” to “break free” from Robins, the report states.
"Mechanical compliance" just entered my personal lexicon.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Domestic Bliss, Resisting Arrest, Vehicular Mayhem, Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: 'Nice Car Bro': Florida Man Punches Man For Complimenting His Car
Save the Last Dance for Somebody Else
Florida ballroom dancer hit motorcyclist then drove off with bike stuck to her car
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you hit a guy on a motorcycle so hard his helmet flies off and his bike gets stuck to the bottom of your front bumper so you're all like "Forget that guy I gotta get this bike off my car" so you just keep driving until you find a place to pull over and it's all cool because you find out later this DoorDash guy pulled over to help the motorcycle guy and you've called a friend to pick you up and they get there before you can even pry the motorcycle off but there's all this surveillance video and I guess maybe the cops could read your license plate even with the motorcycle in the way so a couple days later they come arrest you and you're all like "How can it be a hit and run when my car's totally parked" but they don't care about that so then you're in jail and there's still a motorcycle stuck to your car?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Mayhem, Fleeing the Scene, Surveillance Video, Glamor Mugshot, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Heroic man dives into pond after woman’s car submerges in Florida
Wow:
A neighbor became an unexpected hero, diving into water after an elderly woman’s car crashed into a pond in the Isles of Porto Vista on Monday.
In an exclusive interview, Michael Gordon told NBC2 he dove in and swam the lady to safety after other residents in the northeast Cape Coral condos called for help.
“By the time I got out to her, the trunk was just about completely underwater,” said Gordon. “I saw a bunch of bubbles come up where the car was, and that was the deciding factor.”
"To get her back to the shore, that was the only thing in my head," he said — and exactly what he did. By the time first responders arrived, the woman's car was totally submerged. Gordon still swam back to try and save her dog, but sadly, it was too late. There's no denying his heroism.
SCORE: Water Hazard, The Elderly, Vehicular Mayhem, plus three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Florida Hero Michael Gordon.
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Urine for a Real Treat This Week
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 26 points for a respectable average of 5.2. I think that's the same score as last week. Solid effort.
Lots of glamor mugshots this week, too. I apologize for nothing.
Meanwhile, Somewhere Over California...
It's the most maniacal place on Earth.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere at 3 p.m. Eastern today with special guest Storm Paglia joining Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly for all the usual mayhem.
