It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have Florida's weirdest doctor, the Mystery Surfer, and a Kentucky family just discovered something scarier than murder hornets.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Doctor Busted For Bizarre Urine Antics
Florida Doctor seems to be one strange dude. He'd previously been fined $10,000 and ordered to perform 100 hours of community service after remotely prescribing drugs without any of those tricksy exams or even an adequate diagnosis. But that was a long time ago and, more recently, he sold his current practice to another doctor in 2022.
The pair 'o docs later got into some kind of disagreement — and who knows why, since they weren't in business together — and Florida Doctor decided to present his side of the argument in the form of several gallons of urine thrown on the clinic's doors.
As one does.
Two weeks later, he did it again.
As one does twice.
"On both occasions, cops say, Florida Doctor and his vehicle were recorded by surveillance cameras," which is exactly why you should always carry your gallons of urine around town in an Uber.
Exit Question: Is the word "bizarre" necessary in a headline that already has "urine antics" in it?
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Surveillance Video, Went Viral, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
Stop Drugging My Heart Around
Florida Man busted with meth while checking in with probation officer
I'm a compassionate man. I understand that drugs are all too easy to start and difficult to quit. I also understand, deep in my heart, that drug addiction causes people to make bad choices. Florida Man — no stranger to drug use — had already been arrested on a couple of drug charges, grand theft auto, and one other thing so cringy that I won't mention it.
Out of prison and on parole, Florida Man was paid a surprise visit at home by his parole officer, who found him high on meth and "attempting to conceal methamphetamine in a small plastic baggy, two syringes, and a nasal spray bottle containing an unknown substance."
I'm kidding, of course.
Florida Man was making a scheduled visit to his parole office at State Probation Office on Highway 90 in DeFuniak Springs, high on meth and attempting to conceal methamphetamine in a small plastic baggy, two syringes, and a nasal spray bottle containing an unknown substance.
Of all the gin joints in all the world, amirite?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Getting Caught Stupidly, Face/Neck Tattoos, Face/Neck Tattoos, Recidivism, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Tighten That Belt Even More Because Here Comes the Dreaded S-Word
Yes, but for How Long?
X-ray at jail reveals Florida Woman has drugs hidden in genital area
Ah, the Villages.
Police went looking for Florida Woman on Sunday following some kind of "verbal disturbance" in Belleview. While they were looking to talk to her about whatever that was, they figured they'd also pick her up on a couple of outstanding warrants for false use of ID and driving with a suspended license.
Pretty standard stuff, really. This is The Villages we're talking about, where the crimes run from golf cart theft to international black market Viagra rings.
A jail x-ray — I guess this is common practice now — revealed an "abnormality in the defendant’s genital region," according to documents. Or, to use the proper Latin medical terminology, she had some strange crap stuffed up her hoo-ha.
It turned out to be a glass vial with a walloping five grams of fentanyl — enough to kill around 2,500 people.
And apparently, Florida Woman was just keeping it up there inside herself on an ordinary Sunday afternoon.
SCORE: You Hid It WHERE?, Drugs/Alcohol, Outstanding Warrant(s), Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: 'I'm a dumba**': Florida man accused of shooting gun while intoxicated, bullets hit home
Yes, sir — yes, you are.
Mayor McDrunk
Florida Mayor arrested for DUI after allegedly blowing twice the legal limit
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you have one teensy glass of wine before you drive home and some stupid couple cuts you off or maybe you ended up tailgating but whatever so you follow them home to give them a piece of your mind but you drive into their mailbox and you're all like "It's fine. I'm the mayor. We're allowed to do that" but they call the police so you lean against your car all perfectly sober looking and the police get there and the man from that stupid couple is all like “What is your name, ma’am?” and so you tell him “Mayor Teresa Heitmann" because that ought to shut him up but then the cops get there and they've got bodycams so you're all like “I am Teresa Heitmann right now. I am not the mayor" but they say you're slurring and you're all like “No, sir. I am not slurring my words. I have sat here calm. Calmly" but that stupid cop comes back with “Calmly is a loose term. I think I’ve heard you yelling at my officers about twice now" like you aren't the damn mayor and can't yell at your underlings when you want to but then even though you only had that one teesny glass of wine you fail the field sobriety test — that yelling cop must have made you nervous — and blow double the legal limit but since you're the mayor you get out on just a $500 bond so maybe now those idiots will leave you alone to enjoy your wine.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Mayhem, Likely Story, Master of Disguise, Police Bodycam, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes; Some Ride Surfboards
A mystery in Cocoa Beach has been solved! FOX 35 helped track down the surfer who was caught on camera saving a bird struggling in the sea. https://t.co/imIuCh3jYB
— FOX 35 Orlando (@fox35orlando) September 5, 2024
Mystery surfer saves bird struggling in rough surf near Cocoa Beach pier
NOTE: I tried to embed the video here, but the people so desperate to ID this week's hero locked it down tight. Sigh.
People on social media can't get enough of the mystery surfer caught saving a bird off Cocoa Beach.
Yeah, it's a simple story, but it tugged at my heartstrings:
"We did think that poor bird might be done for in that moment," said the bystander.
Seconds after he saw the bird, he saw a surfer moving in. The surfer picked up the bird, gently placed it on his surfboard, and started swimming back to shore.
"If this man would have come into shore, called in, it would not have been rescued, so this is a fantastic case, and we love to see it," said Heather Pepe-Dillon, who co-founded Wild Florida Rescue.
Her agency responds to calls about wildlife in distress daily in Brevard County. Although her team wasn’t called out for this specific save, she was still thrilled to see the surfer move in when he did because the bird was in crisis.
"It was either waterlogged or it was pushed in from a storm," she said.
The wildlife expert thinks the bird was a sooty tern, which cannot survive if it gets caught in rough waters.
"They just get colder and colder, and they could get hypothermia," said Pepe-Dillon.
Bonus: "Mystery Surfer" is maybe the coolest nickname ever.
SCORE: Water Hazard, Went Viral, plus three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Mystery Surfer.
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Absolute Fastest Way to Stop a Speeding Car
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 26 points for a much more respectable average of 5.2.
That's more like it.
Meanwhile, in Kentucky...
This little girl was already having a bad day, then she just gets hit in the face by a giant fish. What a day. Poor thing 🤣 pic.twitter.com/olrkxKHzVp
— Phoenix✨ (@InTheShadows222) September 5, 2024
The kids are fine. Just rattled.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and bet that not one of you had "Kamikaze Carp" on their 2024 Bingo card.
WHERE ARE YOUR MURDER HORNETS NOW, HUH?
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss today's Five O'Clock Somewhere VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern with special guest Kevin Downey Jr.
