It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week Florida Man learns there's an even faster way than the PIT maneuver to stop a speeding car, a lovely experiment in happiness, and the watermelons that were green on the outside and meth on the inside.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Shrink-Wrapped Florida Man Tries To Check-In As Luggage At Miami International Airport
This has to have been a gag, right? I'm not 100% sure, if only because they didn't have anyone close enough to get video of the check-in person's reaction. That would have been priceless.
Am I the only one breaking out in a heat rash just thinking about being all wrapped up like that?
Anyway, at least he didn't try and place himself in the overhead bin.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Went Viral, Master of Disguise, WTF Were You Even THINKING? plus a bonus point for trying to rip off an airline. Turnabout is fair play, after all.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
Bloody Hell Head
Florida Man Arrested After Boarding Plane With Bloody Head
Our mainstream media friends at Travel Noire get a double PHRASING! warning for the headline on Sarah Rand's story.
Sadly, Florida Man did not board a plane carrying a bloody head as the headline strongly hints. Also, he wasn't Florida Man. Still, this is one of those great Only in Florida stories, so I had to include it.
Las Vegas Man and his wife, Las Vegas Woman, had traveled to Miami for a little cosmetic surgery. As couples do. Las Vegas Woman had reportedly undergone a breast lift and arm liposuction and couldn't move around very well.
Las Vegas Man had gotten a hair transplant — I'm thinking at some discount strip mall place, although the story doesn't say — and his head was bleeding right through the bandages. A flight attendant asked him to change bandages, but he hadn't brought extras. I wouldn't even know which airport store carries big things of medical gauze — Brookstone?
You'll be shocked to learn that he refused to leave the plane, even while bleeding from his head and looking like Hannibal Lecter was about to enjoy a fresh slice of brain. You'll be shocked again to learn that they both resisted when police came to remove them.
SCORE: Plastic Surgery (new!), Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, Resisting Arrest, Should Have Taken the L, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
After these last two stories, I might have to add Miami International Airport as a category. But I'm in no rush.
Exclusively for our VIPs: What If Every LEGO Brick Was Green?
Drive It Like You Stole It
Florida Man speeding from deputies in stolen car gets trapped in tennis court fence
It started so innocently with Florida Man stealing a car in Palmetto on his way to beat up an old man in Bradenton. Well, one thing led to another and the instructions got all fouled up there and he ended up doing 80 in a 15, getting into a hit and run, flashed by a local police officer to pull over, and then fleeing the police before finding his stolen car wrapped up like a birthday gift in a tennis court fence.
"A hit-and-run crash. A guy that flees from law enforcement. That typically doesn't happen out here," Holmes Beach Police Sgt. Brett Getman told Fox 13.
But Holmes Beach is still Florida, man.
SCORE: Vehicular Mayhem, The Elderly, Crime Spree, Fleeing Police, Instant Karma.
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Is That a Pizza in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to Fleece Me?
Is That Wrong?
Naked Florida Woman disrupts birthday with doll antics
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes it's so hot out that you can't even stay at home in the air conditioning so you strip your clothes off and go wandering around the neighborhood to cool down and there's this one house with all the lights on and some kind of party going on inside and sure enough those people in there are having a good time and you want to have a good time too so you start rubbing yourself with these plastic doll legs that you don't even know why you have or where they came from and that's not helping you cool down so the neighbors are all yelling at you about being naked in front of the kids and stuff and you're all like "I know it's hot outside" but they say they're gonna call the cops so you take your doll legs and you go on home but the police show up pretty quick and then you're in this holding cell which is nice and cool but they wouldn't let you bring your doll legs?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Public Nudity, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say but c'mon), WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Woman Believes Shark She Filmed Was Trying to Send Her a Message
The actual message from the nurse shark was, "If I were a great white I'd so have eaten you already."
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man Is Putting Up Happiness Signs to Boost His City's Mood: 'It Changes Life!'
This seemed so silly and pointless — granted, I am a bit jaded — until I got over my resistance and read the story:
Gary King wants to make people smile and is gaining quite a bit of attention for his acts of kindness. The Florida native places happiness signs all over St. Petersburg and other locations, hoping his visuals will boost the mood and morale. He recently passed the 600-sign mark, and ideally would love to get these signs posted everywhere.
More:
The happiness signs stemmed from King’s own experiences with dark times. In 2012, King’s son, Jason, took his own life. King found himself bereved [sic], and almost considered doing the same. He ended up being The Happiness Experiment’s first test subject, finally able to return to Sunshine Skyway Bridge – where his son’s tragic last moments took place – after hanging 250 signs around the St. Pete area.
And:
He shared a few notes during the segment, and one said: "Gary: we are grateful for everything that you do. The happiness experiment has changed our lives and the lives of many. Continue your work of love, we cheer you on."
"I first saw the happiness experiment TB signs on the day of my miscarriage last year. The signs reminded me that it was all going to be okay, and that I could find happiness during and after this," another note read.
If you were looking for a sign, Florida Man Gary King has hundreds of them for you.
SCORE: Five bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 22 points for yet another middling average of 4.4.
Have I been too stingy with the points lately?
Meanwhile, in California...
Methamphetamine disguised as shipment of watermelons seized at US-Mexico border in San Diego
Last week it was drugs hidden in celery in Georgia; this week it's drugs disguised as watermelons in California.
Barely.
"Disguised" worked overtime in that story.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Thank you once more for your VIP or VIP Gold membership. You make Florida Man Friday possible and, for that, one day the world might forgive you.
