Florida Man Friday is usually reserved for our VIP supporters, but everybody needs a little extra fun after four days of the Democratic National Convention, so how about I open it up to everybody this week?
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman headed to family cruise arrested for hiding ecstasy in duffle bag
I'm not sure what kind of a "family" cruise requires three-quarters of an ounce of weed, 14 tabs of ecstasy, and nearly four grand in cash — although I've got to admit I am curious.
Anyway, Florida Woman did the smart thing and had her companion drive them to the port with expired tags on the car, smoking weed, and with tabs of X hidden somewhere in her body. The story didn't specify, for which we can all be grateful.
The cops pulled her over for the tags, smelled the weed, and then found her various stashes.
If they'd had just sprung for an Uber, she and her family would be enjoying the grooviest family cruise ever right now.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Getting Caught Stupidly, Cruise Ship (New! And why did it take so long?), Domestic Bliss, You Hid It WHERE?
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
P.S. Before we get to the rest of FMF... if you'd like to join Florida Man again next week, please join us with your VIP or VIP Gold membership. With our 60% off FIGHT promotion, that's just a couple of bucks a month for Florida Man Friday, exclusive podcasts, and video live chats with your favorite PJ and Townhall writers. We'd love to have you on board.
GriftHub
Florida Man Accused of Impersonating Pizzeria in Scheme To Defraud Tourists
So the owner of Roman's Pizzeria in Miami started getting complaints from customers he'd never delivered pizzas to. He told a local news station that the so-called pizzas they'd gotten were often "bad, uncooked, sometimes... in a box with a piece of raw dough."
Don't tell me there's no such thing as a bad pizza.
Some other guy not named Roman was handing out flyers to tourists for his fake Roman's Pizza, taking their money, and delivering fraudulent pizza.
He got busted and charged with a bunch of stuff. Turns out, police didn't have much trouble tracking down someone handing out flyers with his own phone number on them.
But here's the best part:
Roman also reportedly did not ask for apologies or a long prison sentence for Marti-Alvarez, and told CBSNews, "I would like him to not use my restaurant's name and if he uses his right name, then do the right food."
Next time I'm in Miami, I'm ordering a pizza from the real Roman.
Exit Question: Should I name my '90s alt-rock revival band Fraudulent Pizza?
SCORE: Crime of the Century, Master of Disguise, Getting Caught Stupidly, plus a bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness to Roman for just wanting people to make good pizza.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: EVs Are Losing HOW MUCH Resale Value???
Hard to Swallow
Florida Man tries to hide bags of drugs in his mouth and dies
I like to keep things light and breezy here on Florida Man Friday, so I try not to cover stories where anyone dies.
But... c'mon:
Florida Man became unresponsive Wednesday, Aug. 21, as he and four others were being held outside a suspected drug house in DeLand, according to the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office.
Authorities were there to execute a search warrant as part of a drug investigation, the office said in a news release.
During the search, Florida Man wouldn’t respond to detectives’ questions, sparking their suspicions that he was trying to hide or swallow drugs, deputies said. Detectives asked him to open his mouth multiple times, but he refused.
Paramedics were called in as he declined to spit out what was in his mouth, according to authorities. He fell unconscious soon afterward.
Plus: "Fire personnel began life-saving measures and recovered three plastic baggies from Florida Man's mouth/throat, two of which contained suspected heroin/fentanyl and crack cocaine."
There's a conversation to be had at another time about better treatment for addicts, but there was no point in this story where Florida Man couldn't have just taken the L and lived.
Sigh.
SCORE: Instant Karma, Drugs/Alcohol, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man assaults mom with spaghetti sauce, hides in bushes from police
Breaking & Entering & Stealing & Cursing & Recording
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you pull up to Floyd Mayweather's place and you're all like “Floyd, we got’ sit in all your sh*t, n***a. This my sh*t, n***a. We gon’ take your sh*t, n***a. Feel me? Yeah, I really would. I could really take your sh*t right now. I’m inside your sh*t, bro. Yeah. For real, no playing, b*tch" because he has all this nice stuff and all you've got is this stupid Instagram so you go to the door and you're all like "I’m at your front door, n***a. No playing, b*tch. Leaving your doors open, n***a. So, you know I can get in, n***a" and just to prove it you take the fancy floor rugs out of his car and then you're hanging out in his cabana but then you just get kinda bored even after you were all like "N***a, I'll go in your motherf***ing momma's house, n***a. How about that? N***a, tell your security that" so you wander back off but at least you got that cool umbrella that came with his Rolls?
Don't you hate that, too?
(All the quotes were lifted directly from the transcript of Florida Woman's Instagram.)
SCORE: Went Viral, Caught on Video, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes — Some Ride Harleys
Delray Beach man raises over $90K for local nonprofits
Ride on:
For this week’s ‘Hometown Hero,’ we are checking back in with the Delray Beach man who took an 18-day, 7,000-mile cross-country journey on his Harley Davidson benefiting more than a dozen Delray Beach nonprofits.
CBS12 News caught up with Chuck Halberg before he left on July 4th with his two riding partners and the popular children’s book character “Flat Stanley.’
Their charitable ride raised more than $92,000 for 15 organizations-- supporting kids, animals, and local law enforcement.
This year’s trip included stops in Alabama, Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, North Carolina and more.
When the story got to the part about helping out police K-9 unit dogs, those internet-transmissible onion fumes really started to kick in.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points to Halberg for Sheer Awesomeness, plus I'm awarding another to the dogs because it's my column and I can do that.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: That Was a Bloody Good Livestream
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 19 points for another midding average of 3.8, but Florida Woman really saved the week with that Mayweather break-in.
Meanwhile, in Georgia...
More than 2,300 pounds of meth is found hidden in celery at Georgia farmers market
I get it. Smugglers have to find new ways to smuggle, and there aren't a whole lot of options left. So, celery — why not?
But that still leaves one question regarding the location.
Who goes to a farmers' market to buy meth wholesale?
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss today's Five O'Clock Somewhere VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern. Join us for the post-DNC day drinking, won't you?
Join the conversation as a VIP Member