It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the felon who live-streamed shooting himself in the leg, how to lasso a gator, and Colorado Man's 143-year Burger King crime.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man shoots himself in leg while livestreaming
Florida Man was live streaming himself doing Lord knows what — reports left out that vital detail — when for whatever reason, he shot himself in the leg with a sawed-off shotgun.
Ouch, right?
Wait, it gets better.
When police looked into Florida Man — the whole shooting-himself-in-the-leg thing raised some eyebrows — they found that the convicted felon "had posted photos of himself with firearms and ammunition to social media on several occasions." In addition to the shotgun that he shot himself with, they found another buried in a yard.
Convicted felons aren't supposed to have those. Firearms, that is, not social media accounts.
He faces up to 15 years.
Exit Question: If you saw Florida Man's mugshot in a high school yearbook, would you expect the caption to read, "Most Likely to Shoot Himself in the Leg?" Because I would.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Getting Caught Stupidly, Went Viral, Recidivism, Hold My Beer.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
She's Slashing Prices!
Florida Woman arrested after swapping price tags in Target shoplifting scheme
Florida Woman went through her Palm Coast Target, swapping price tags on clothes and some other items for price tags from cheaper items.
This is the genius part: she used the self-checkout so some nosy cashier wouldn't ask why her Lego set rang up as a pencil box. It was probably less genius that she only rang up five of the 12 items in her cart, trying to get an even bigger discount.
She would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for that meddling loss prevention officer.
SCORE: Criminal Mastermind, Recidivism, Face/Neck Tattoos.
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points
Exclusively for our VIPs: EVs Are Losing HOW MUCH Resale Value???
He Did What Needed Doing
Florida Man charged after lassoing 9-foot alligator: 'I was just trying to help'
I'm taking Florida Man's side on this one.
He was worried about the turtles in his local canal because of a nine-foot alligator that had been sniffing around.
Do gators sniff around? Asking for a friend.
Anyway, Florida Man tried to contact the Broward County Sheriff's Office and local animal control, but he didn't get a response from either one. So he did what any rational, turtle-liking neighbor would do: he lassoed the gator from the sidewalk safely above the canal, tied his end of the line to the guardrail, and then called the authorities again so that they could take the gator away at their leisure.
"I thought I was doing them a favor, helping them," he said.
They arrested Florida Man instead.
Maybe that annoys me just because I've always liked turtles — but not nearly as much as Florida Man in the next story.
SCORE: Dangerous Wildlife, Water Hazard, The Elderly, Way to Take the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Hurricane Debby blew $1 million worth of cocaine onto Florida beach
Experts rated the odds of that happening at just one chance in one.
'30s Ninja Turtle Lover
Florida Man arrested after attempting to steal a decorative turtle, hiding in bushes
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're prowling around at night maybe just looking for stuff to take and you see one of those sweet decorative turtles that some people have in their yards or their back porch or whatnot and this one is just the cutest little decorative turtle you ever saw and you've gotta have it so you sneak up on their lanai and you're trying to be all quiet but it's pretty dark out so you're banging into stuff while you're grabbing that turtle and it's like you don't even know you woke them up and they can see you on their security cameras but you're not going anywhere without that turtle so you hide in the bushes but when the police get there they tell you to come on out of the bushes so you do because where are you going to run carrying that decorative turtle and then you're in jail without any decorative turtles at all?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Caught on Video, Crime of the Century, Way to Take the L, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes — Some Wear Mullets
Sporting the dream. https://t.co/dNSxPs12fH
— Stephen Green (@VodkaPundit) August 16, 2024
Local 3-year-old enters nationwide mullet contest benefitting veterans
Meet Cole Crowe of Loxahatchee:
While his parents like the mullet and the fact that it reflects his go with the flow personality, Cole is ready to cut it off and sport a shorter look like his older brother.
“We were like hey before we cut it off let’s enter him, it’s for a good cause and it’s a good time and we may never have this mullet again,” Greg admitted.
When the time comes to cut his hair, Cole’s parents say they will donate his long locks to a good cause.
Cole made it into the top 50 in his age range out of 203 contestants but did not make it into the finals.
I don't know how Cole couldn't have won with that impressive mane, but his dedication and his willingness to give make him a winner on Florida Man Friday.
SCORE: 3 bonus points for Sheer Mullet Awesomeness, 1 in the front and 2 in the back.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: One Was a Bridge Too Far
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 19 points for a middling average of 3.8.
I'm expecting some real fireworks next week, Florida Persons.
Meanwhile, in Colorado...
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Thank you once more for your continued VIP support. You make Florida Man Friday possible... but you're still not getting a Five O'Clock Somewhere today because Stephen Kruiser's travel plans got all gnarled up. We'll make it up to you on Monday, I promise.
