Florida Man Friday: One Was a Bridge Too Far

It makes no sense, the scene in so many movies where the fight ends because someone ended up in the swimming pool. Suddenly they're... too wet to fight? Can't figure out how to use the little ladder? Lazy writers?

I'm guessing it's that last one.

In real life, it makes even less sense to try to escape the police by jumping into a river or lake, but nobody told Florida Man:

The Daytona Beach Police Department said its officers spotted a robbery suspect they were searching for walking along a bridge around 7 a.m. 

When officers told the suspect, identified as 32-year-old Florida Man, he was being detained, he jumped the guardrail and plunged into the Halifax River below. 

"This is gonna be him," an officer said after watching Florida Man hit the water. 

Somehow, police were able to determine which direction the river runs and dispatched the marine unit downstream to fish Florida Man out of the water.

What did he think was going to happen?

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.

SCORE: Police Bodycam, Resisting Arrest, Humiliated by Press Release, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.

Spider Roach Motel

Florida Woman arrested after she allegedly admits to drowning her roommate’s pet spider

True story.

My rule has always been that spiders and other insects are fine outdoors, but the punishment for coming inside is death. But there are exceptions. 

Many years ago, my best friend RJ put together a small collection of tarantulas and scorpions that he kept in his apartment (right next door to mine) in a little terrarium or two. I started calling his place "Uncle RJ's Olde-Tyme No-Petting Zoo." Soon enough, our friend Joanne hand-painted a little wooden sign with that on it, plus adorable doodles of dangerous little critters.

I was fine with menagerie, even when Arge would sometimes take them out to play. Maybe I was only mostly fine — if that.

But I did not do this:

Florida Woman was arrested after she killed her roommate’s pet spider, law enforcement in the Sunshine State said. She stands accused of one count each of larceny — petit theft in the second degree and animal cruelty that torments, deprives, mutilates, or kills any animal, according to Okaloosa County court and sheriff’s office records.

The motive for the animal’s death is unknown, but sheriff’s deputies say the defendant readily admitted to killing the tiny creature.

She drowned it in ginger ale because, seriously, what in the actual hell?

I try not to cover stories like this one, but it did give me some lovely nostalgia that I got to share.

SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Giant Insect(s), Domestic Bliss, and a bonus point for being just a terrible human being.

RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points. 

Exclusively for our VIPs: It's Official. JD Vance Has Stones Like Church Bells.

Clean But No Getaway

‘Dirty’ burglar breaks into Florida woman’s home and takes a shower

You know what I hate?

You know how sometimes when you've been out all night doing stuff and don't even ask what stuff because it's not like anybody is gonna remember a night like that but this is Florida and so you're feeling all hot and sticky and gross and maybe you're not even sure where you are or maybe you're not sure where your apartment is like any of that matters at this point so you break into this decent looking place because they probably got bathrooms and everything in there and so you find a shower and strip down and get in there and it's awesome with the hot water and soap and stuff but there's this lady who must live there and for whatever reason — she's not even in the same bathroom as you! — she calls the cops and they drag you to jail with just a towel on and forget where you left your car because you're all like "Dude where's my pants?"

Don't you hate that, too? 

SCORE: Public Nudity, Humiliated by Press Release, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say but c'mon), Dude You OK?

RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline/Video: Florida Man In An American Flag Speedo Does A Belly Flop In The Background Of Live News Report During Hurricane Debby

Florida Man strikes again... with an 8.5 BellyFlop into Kings Bay (Crystal River) 😅#HurricaneDebby#TropicalStormDebby pic.twitter.com/dNCQyYQXgr

— LA 🏆 🆂🅰🆂🆂🆈 🅻🅰🆂🆂 (😅) 🐦 (@LA_SassyPants) August 4, 2024

'Murica. Er... Floduh!

It Was One Million-to-One Shot After Another

Florida Woman arrested for DUI during Hurricane Debby blamed storm winds for failed sobriety test

There comes a time when you're so busted that there's nothing to do but just take the L. 

Like when the cops pull you over because you're driving all over the road and keep turning your hazard lights on and off and the front seat of your car is littered with three empty shooters, an open can of beer, and an unopened shooter that you have designs on. 

And when you roll down the car window and the cop can't help but notice that you reek of booze and are slurring your words. And that you performed poorly on the field sobriety test, refused a breathalyzer, and your license is suspended.

I that were me, I'd just put my wrists behind my back and wait for the inevitable.

Or, bear with me here, you could just blame it all on high winds from Hurricane Debbie, like Florida Woman did.

Maybe the wind blew the drinks into her mouth, one after another.

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Mayhem, Likely Story, Should Have Taken the L.

RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points. 

Not All Heroes Wear Capes (But Still Fly)

‘Very impressive’ effort allows Florida Man to walk away from Galloway, NJ, plane crash

Wow:

The scene unfolded just before 3:45 in the 200 block of Liebig Street when the Galloway Township Police Department received a report of a plane that had crashed in a wooded area. While en route to the scene, a caller advised that the plane struck a tree and he was actively trying to help the pilot exit the aircraft.

That pilot, identified as John Austin Bryan of Florida, who was the only person onboard, safely exited the plane and was evaluated by Galloway Township EMS; he was not injured.

Shortly after takeoff, the plane began experiencing engine trouble. Bryan contacted air traffic control, and utilizing the plane’s parachute system, he was able to steer the plane to an area away from people and vehicular traffic.

Way to keep your head straight during a life-threatening emergency, Florida Man.

SCORE: Five bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Bryan for steering the plane away from others at a greater risk to himself.

RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: Her Bag of Drugs Was Labeled 'Bag of Drugs'

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 21 points for a middling average of 4.2.

Between Hurricane Debbie and everybody being glued to the Olympics, I guess Florida Man was pretty busy this week. 

Meanwhile, Colorado Man Went to Ohio...

Ohio deputies arrest Colorado Man after a night of crime

There's a lot going on here, but this bit stood out: "The homeowner went to investigate and found an unknown male inside the tractor who told him he was on a spiritual journey to drive the tractor."

Did I mention we legalized shrooms here a couple of years ago?

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday

Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ashley McCully today at 3 p.m. Eastern.