News & Politics

The Conservative Christmas Wish List: Seven Things We Want Vs. What We Will Likely Get

(AP Photo/John Minchillo)

Christmas is two weeks away, and we are already getting gifts I never thought we would snag: Jussie Smollet is getting his due, both Cuomos are ghosts, and Rittenhouse is free. Bonus gift: De Blasio is unemployed as of Jan. 1. Joy to the world!

But for every wonderful gift we get, there are bound to be a few fruitcakes. And despite the good presents I mentioned, I fear we have some stinkbombs headed our way as well.

We all have our wish list, but we don’t always get what we want.

Here is a list of good gifts we are hoping to get and some Three Stooges neckties we might end up with.

What We Want For Christmas

We’d like for the libs to understand that the “Chinese sneeze” isn’t going away. We’d like them to realize that kids aren’t really affected by COVID, and making them wear masks in school and sit six feet apart at lunch is ludicrous. In short, we want them to stop soiling their non-binary undergarments when it comes to COVID.

What We’ll Likely Get

More soiled non-binary undergarments. New York’s unelected Gov. Kathy Hochul declared a state of emergency in New York two seconds after South African doctor Angelique Coetzee first uttered the word “omicron.” Hochul later added a state-wide mask mandate, conveniently the day after she was busted in Brooklyn without one, despite Dr. Coetzee scolding the world for their overreactions to the COVID variant no one has ever died of.

What We Want For Christmas

A wall on the southern border.

What We’ll Likely Get

A wall of illegal immigrants at the border. President Depends is allowing a literal army to invade us from below. Speaking of the military, he now has the National Guard keeping Americans from reporting on what’s going on at the border.

What We Want For Christmas

For the Centers for Disease Control to hire people who know what they’re doing.

What We’ll Likely Get

A Fauci pillow.

What We Want For Christmas

Cheap gas.

What We’ll Likely Get

Gas prices are down five cents, you thankless ingrates. How much more can you ask for? Stop thinking of yourself! The Cuomos are looking for work, but all you can think of is you, you, YOU!

What We Want For Christmas

Peace for the world.

What We’ll Likely Get

Added: Taiwan and Ukraine are likely getting new landlords. Biden is weak, and rumor has it….he might be residing in the pockets of Xi and Putin, something about his crackhead artiste of a son snagging mad cheddar from both the Chinese and the Russians. And the Ukrainians. And more from the Chinese. Biden is chum and the sharks are hungry. If you’re planning a trip to Taiwan, I’d get a refundable ticket if I were you.

Related: Sorry, Commies, You Can’t Ruin Christmas

What We Want For Christmas

Law and order.

What We’ll Likely Get

Law and order! Commie hellholes that defunded their cops have learned the hard way. Cities are rehiring police officers to stave off the shocking rise in murders. Twelve pinko-run cities have learned that defunding the cops leads to more crime. Duh! How many black people died from this insane experiment, spearheaded by none other than Black Lives Matter?

What We Want For Christmas

A Louis Vuitton handbag

What We’ll Likely Get

Eight Louis Vuitton handbags! Score!

What We Want For Christmas

Trump back in the White House, where he belongs.

What We’ll Likely Get

President Kamala Harris. I don’t see President Stinkypants lasting three more years. VP Harris simply needs to shut her mouth (for once) and wait. Biden allegedly dropped a crabcake in his pants while hanging with the pope. And sooner than you can say “pull my finger” while chatting with the wife of Prince Charles. Biden’s bowels can’t be trusted, and as my grandfather can attest, once shart-week begins, the next stop is the rest home. Watch for Kamala to squirt Visine onto Biden’s Melba toast to hurry the process.

You have been good conservatives As a bonus gift, check out my new favorite Christmas song, “Even Santa Hates Biden.”