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The Morning Briefing: 'Kim Jong-Un Dead' Sounds Like a Dictator Vampire

In this undated photo provided on July 10, 2018, by the North Korean government, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un visits a farm in Samjiyon County, North Korea. (Korean Central News Agency/Korea News Service via AP)

Is He or Isn’t He?!?!?

Are we still numbering the weeks of stay-at-home quarantine stuff? If we are, I apologize, because I have no idea which one we’re starting now. The only thing of which I am certain is that it’s Monday, April 9476th, 2020 today.

We kinda/sorta had some sports to pay attention to over the weekend, as the social-distance NFL draft wrapped up for a season that still may not happen. That wasn’t much comfort for me, as I am not a fan of the current draft format, which I explained in my Friday column.

The one news story that played out over the last several days that wasn’t all coronavirus-centric was the rumored demise of North Korea’s doughy little dictator, Kim Jong-un.

NoKo is notoriously closed off and never really in a sharing mood, so it’s difficult to ascertain where the rumors originated. Li’l Kim hasn’t been seen in public since April 11th, apparently, and that set the alarm bells ringing.

One early report said that Kim was in a “vegetative state,” which supposedly is discernible from his normal state.

Then an obscure source reported that Kim was straight-up dead.

The NoKo spin machine kicked into gear after that. Kim’s vanishing act from public view was blamed on — you guessed it — coronavirus:

North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un disappeared from public view because one of his personal bodyguards was suspected to have contracted the coronavirus, it has been reported.

Speculation erupted after Kim missed an annual birthday celebration for his late grandfather – Kim Il-sung, the country’s founder – on April 15.

But now a source in China said to be familiar with North Korea affairs has reportedly told the JoongAng Ilbo that Kim skipped out “because there was a problem within the Supreme Guard Command in charge of guarding North Korea’s top leader.”

The source indicated that there had been a coronavirus case among a member of Kim’s personal bodyguard team in charge of closely escorting the leader.

Nothing looks worse for a psychocommie country than to have its Supreme Leader felled by a virus that’s killing the commoners, so they must be pretty desperate to be pitching a story that says it may have gotten close to him.

What may be the most credible reporting on the subject comes from South Korea, which believes all is well with Kim:

A top South Korean official said his country remains confident there have been no “unusual developments” in North Korea, suggesting that rumours about the possible ill health of leader Kim Jong Un are untrue.

Unification Minister Kim Yeon-chul told a closed-door forum in Seoul on Sunday that South Korea has “enough intelligence to confidently say that there are no unusual developments” in rival North Korea that would back up speculation about Kim Jong Un’s health, according to his ministry.

The minister said he would not reveal what specific intelligence led to that conclusion, but stressed that it had undergone a complex analysis.

The geopolitical consequences of the demise of Kim Jong-un probably won’t be that great. It’s a closed dictatorship, and it will still remain the same if he does die, just with a different chubby commie in charge. That is, unless NoKo breaks with tradition and lets Kim’s sister take over. She’s not chubby and probably ten times worse than he is.

All I know is that my favorite part of this has been seeing “Kim Jong-un Dead” in various reports because I hear it in my head as “Kim Jong Undead.”

And now it’s a vampire story.

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The Kruiser Kabana

I’m thinking of finding a new favorite breakfast beer this week.

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PJ Media Senior Columnist and Associate Editor Stephen Kruiser is the author ofDon’t Let the Hippies ShowerandStraight Outta Feelings: Political Zen in the Age of Outrage,” both of which address serious subjects in a humorous way. Monday through Friday he edits PJ Media’s “Morning Briefing.” His columns appear every Tuesday and Friday