It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn the wrong car for a quick getaway, how to piss off your local deputy, and what the Wyoming Tourism Board doesn't want you to see.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man weaves through traffic in RV while fleeing law enforcement
This might be the greatest lede in the history of news: "A Kissimmee man was caught earlier this month after he fled from law enforcement in an RV, according to the Osceola County Sheriff’s Office."
None of us here could even begin to count the number of stories with "fled from law enforcement" as a big part of the action. But immediately followed by "in an RV?"
Never.
The sheriff's department press release practically wrote itself from there, as did the inevitable chain of events.
“While his getaway vehicle wasn’t exactly built for speed, that didn’t stop him from creating a dangerous situation on the roadway,” the department said. “During his attempt to evade law enforcement, he struck two other vehicles before the pursuit came to a halt.”
Just be impressed he made it even that far. Then again, he was drunk. He also — speaking of inevitable — attempted to flee on foot. Still faster than an RV going up Monument Hill on a lazy summer day.
Colorado isn't quite as flat as Florida, and RVs are the bane of my weekly drive up to Castle Rock for lunch with my best friend. In my head, I've rewritten state traffic law to include the following:
- RV drivers making their entire journey in the right lane shall be awarded $20.
- RV drivers found in the center lane (when applicable) shall receive a public caning on the side of the road.
- RV drivers found in the left lane shall be summarily executed.
You know I'm right.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, (Recreational) Vehicular Madness, Suspended License/Expired Tags, Fleeing the Scene, Recidivism, WTF Were You Even THINKING? and a Demerit for taking an RV out of the right lane but only because I can't give him a caning. (7)
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
Piss Off
So anybody who saw Gattaca knows all about secret fake bladders for passing drug/DNA tests, although admittedly it's probably a lot cooler when Ethan Hawke uses one so the DNA police don't arrest him and crush his dream of becoming an astronaut.
It makes more sense in the movie, I swear.
Then there's Florida Man — sorry ladies, he looks nothing like Ethan Hawke — who deputies caught "arriving for a court-ordered drug test with a concealed device designed to fake his urine sample."
But I jumped the gun a little.
Florida Man was first arrested when police found he'd driven to the test facility on a suspended license, violating his felony probation. Or maybe you'd already guessed that part.
More:
While he was being taken to the jail, deputies said Florida Man complained of shoulder pain, prompting the deputy to move his handcuffs to the front of his body. Investigators said Florida Man used his freed hands to pull the concealed apparatus from his pants and drop it onto the floorboard of the patrol car, later claiming it did not belong to him.
I hate it when fake bladders that totally aren't mine materialize in the back of the cruiser with me.
"This pee-brain dirtbag had already been given the deal of a lifetime, walking around on community control when he should have been sitting in a prison cell for almost a decade," Sheriff Rick Staly said, winning the internet that day.
SCORE: Likely Story, Burned by Grady Staly, Drugs/Alcohol, Suspended License/Expired Tags, (Passing) Water Hazard, Probation Violation, Tactical Gear (I suppose), Instant Karma, Recidivism, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (10)
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Get the feeling it's going to be a big week?
Exclusively for our VIPs: Our Love/Meh Relationship With AI
The Not-So-Great Escape
Wisconsin Woman arrested on Polk warrant at Orlando International Airport
First, I'd just like to express my disappointment in Sheriff Grady Judd for such a lame headline to such a great story. He's taught us to expect better.
So Wisconsin Woman "rammed the security guard at the resort where she was staying, with her car - pinning his body between her car and his - all because he asked her to sign the visitor log," Grady posted to X.
Believe it or not, Florida has a law against pinning people with your car, even if they did ask you to sign the visitor log. Fascists.
More:
The victim reported that a woman driving a gray Chrysler Pacifica was attempting to enter the property when she was told by the guard at the entry gate that she needed to be on the list of approved visitors, or provide identification. The driver... asked, "What are you going to do if I drive through?" at which point she was told this would not be a good idea. She then sped through the entry gates...
The security guard got into his security patrol car and followed her. He asked her again for identification and to register her car as a visitor to the property, and she replied that he was "doing too much." She also said she was renting an AirBNB there. As the security guard stood next to his patrol car, the suspect then asked twice, "You wanna get hit?" and drove into him.
She didn't even give him a chance to answer, which seems unfair.
Deputies picked her up at the airport — not in the friendly way — after TSA told them which flight she'd be on.
Grady added, "All this woman had to do was show some ID and register her car at the resort where she was staying. Now she's facing two felonies and is locked up in jail."
SCORE: Trespassing, Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, Theme Park/Casino/Resort, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, and a Demerit for stealing those eyebrows off a perfectly innocent poodle. (9)
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man who had sexual encounter with vacuum cleaner near Disney World takes no contest plea
You don't even contest that. You just do your best to put it behind you. Or if I had to guess in Florida Man's case, put it out in front of him again.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
75-Year-Old Florida Man Asked Kids To Pet His Dog. Then Police Say He Pepper-Sprayed Five People
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you take your dog to Peter Supermarket for an afternoon stroll because you're retired and don't have a whole lot to do on a Wednesday afternoon when you see this adorable-looking family just a dad and a couple little kids so you walk right up and without even talking to the dad first ask the kids if they'd like to pet your dog but when they don't answer you ask them if they want to "pet the man instead" which is when for whatever reason the dad is all like "that's inappropriate please leave us alone" so you walk away for a minute but then you realize you really need an answer so you go up to them again and again like three different times and the kids never once pet you and that mean dad keeps getting angrier so you reach out for one of the kids which is when the mean dad really loses it and shouts something about not touching the kids so you do what you have to and pull out your pepper spray and spray him pretty good with it and maybe a couple of employees get caught in the crossfire but that mean dad follows you out to the car so you spray him again and maybe some other people too but thank God you manage to get home safe which is where the police arrested you a while later like the mean dad didn't start it.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Class Act, Tasered/Pepper Sprayed (time — gulp! — FIVE), Fleeing the Scene, The Elderly, Should Have Taken the L, Likely Story, Glamor Mugshot, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes. (12)
RUNNING TOTAL: 38 FMF Points.
That's almost (but only almost) a record.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
‘It looked like an apocalypse’: Miami rescuers describe their efforts in Venezuela
It's a Florida story, but it's a perfectly 100% American story, too:
“Everyone was there for one purpose: to save a life,” Diaz said.
Around 15 members of the rescue team from the Miami Fire-Rescue Department were honored by Miami Mayor Eileen Higgins at Thursday morning’s City Commission meeting. The first responders received two separate standing ovations as Higgins detailed their efforts and the significance of their work in giving people hope.
They arrived June 27 to total devastation. Rodriguez — who has served on disaster task forces for over a decade — said it was as if the country had been hit by multiple nuclear bombs, reducing it to rubble.
“It looked like an apocalypse,” Rodriguez said.
No doubt. Nearly 4,500 people are known to be dead, with over 44,000 people not yet found. The relief efforts continue.
Here's one life saved: "Led by Miami Fire Rescue, international groups rescued Hernán Alberto Flores Gil, a 44-year-old man who had been trapped under tons of rubble for eight days. The teams worked nonstop for 53 hours to rescue him, navigating their way through a collapsed nine-story structure that was extremely unstable."
And the exit quote: "After Thursday’s ceremony finished, several firefighters went straight to the station."
Sorry, I forgot to warn you in advance about the internet-transmissible onion fumes.
SCORE: Can't really score this one. Maybe just send out thoughts and prayers to the victims, their families, and to the brave members of the Miami Fire Rescue Department.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Gator-Infested Waters
Florida Band
John Anderson, "Seminole Wind."
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four scored stories with a total of 38 points for a record-shattering average of 9.5.
Maybe it's the heat. Maybe it's the humidity. Maybe it's just Florida, man.
Meanwhile, in Wyoming...
This is the Mona Lisa of tourist photos. https://t.co/KZol9ZlnCh pic.twitter.com/FsxyZL828a
— Braxton McCoy (@braxton_mccoy) July 11, 2026
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
