It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn not to go out of the frying pan and into the gator-infested waters, that "no contact" means "no contact," and Indiana Man's one weird trick for starting fires.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man arrested after fighting deputies pulling him from 'alligator-infested' canal
There's stupid, and then there's a special brand of Florida Man Friday stupid that we've all come to know and love and point and laugh at over the years together.
It's the kind of stupid that makes a guy think he probably won't arouse any suspicion lying shirtless on the ground next to an elementary school.
The dumb is strong in this one, I know, but he's just getting started.
Police were already looking for him on some kind of wellness check that I deeply wish Fox 35 had bothered telling readers about. When Florida Man saw the officer, he did what he so often does and took off running. He got away this time, but not for long. A local called the police to report Florida Man "crawling around their backyard and trying to climb the side of their house."
Trying to climb the side of a house.
OK, chief.
Police caught up to him quickly enough, which is when Florida Man's next bright idea was to jump into a "snake-and-alligator" infested canal. Because if there's one thing that helps move an escape effort along, it's trying to move through water while wearing pants and also maybe getting bitten and/or eaten.
But he wasn't done. He actually fought against the police trying to pull him to safety.
Why? Because Florida Man.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Water Hazard, Dangerous Wildlife, Public Nudity, Resisting Arrest, Fleeing the Scene, Should Have Taken the L, Glamor Mugshot, Dude You OK? and another Demerit to Fox 35 for not telling us why he needed a wellness check, or why police thought to check the school. (10)
TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Big start. Maybe it's the heat.
Fake Cop, Real Trouble
Florida Man attempts traffic stop on undercover vehicle
You know the drill.
Some guy with a weird power fetish decides to play cop until the inevitable happens:
Florida Man faces charges of false presentation, unlawful use of blue light, and possession of a firearm during the commission of a felony, records show.
Bodycam video shared Thursday by the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office shows deputies arresting Florida Man after finding flashing red and blue lights in the SUV he was driving.
Deputies had already seen the same SUV activate the red and blue lights while it was following an undercover sheriff's office vehicle on U.S. Highway 301 North in Thonotosassa, the post states.
The deputies quickly intervened and conducted their own traffic stop on the SUV, recovering not only the illegal light setup, but an additional 2-foot emergency light bar and a firearm as well, according to the agency's website.
You know what the problem is with the inevitable is, don't you? It always seems to happen.
Here's what gets me: This is hardly the first time we've seen a story just like this one. Guys know there's a non-zero chance they'll pull over a cop, and they take it anyway.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Police Bodycam, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Tactical Gear, Getting Caught Stupidly, Impersonation, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: How to Turn $750,000 into $400 Million With This 1 Weird Trick
There's Nekkid and Then There's Buck Nekkid
I can never top Sheriff Grady Judd telling a story the Grady Judd way, so fast-forward to the 45-second mark and marvel.
SCORE: Likely Story, Burned by Grady, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Public Nudity, Getting Caught Stupidly, Glamor Mugshot, and I'm sorry, but I have to give Sheriff Grady a Demerit for whiffing the "Cat Scratch Fever" reference. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 24 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Daughter of Cuban revolution ‘hero’ busted by ICE in Florida while working as plastic surgeon
I got nothin'.
Maybe She Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Woman accused of stealing neighbor's cane, destroying e-bike, assaulting officers
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes maybe you have this no-contact order with your neighbor because of some other little incidents that totally weren't your fault and he's the one who should have the no-contact order but whatever so you have a few drinks and follow him to this spa where he likes to go and you find him in the hot tub which is when you get this funny idea to steal his bag and his cane but he doesn't think it's very funny and so there's this scuffle and maybe you try to punch him a time or two and that old guy is pretty spry and fights you off but you'll show him so you get in your car and kinda run over his e-bike a couple times and in the process maybe your car tore up the landscaping and maybe hit the building which is when you figure you gotta make your getaway and hit a fence and almost another car and all these people and even a couple cops are yelling at you to stop which you finally do when you get back home but for whatever reason the cops follow you there and they're all like "get out of the car" and you're all kicking at spitting on them as they drag you out and arrest you?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Trespassing (no contact, close enough!), Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Assaulting a Cop, Resisting Arrest, Fleeing the Scene, The Elderly, Crime Spree, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING? and a Demerit for trying to steal an old guy's cane. I could be that guy someday. (11)
RUNNING TOTAL: 35 FMF Points.
That one tough, crazy old broad.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Hero dad shares son’s reaction after alligator savaged boy’s hand in harrowing attack
Let's hear it for Pennsylvania Dad visiting Florida:
The brave boy was fishing with his dad while on a family vacation June 27, when the 8-foot-7 gator chomped down on his right hand as he was releasing a fish back into the water, Peter Dituri told the local station.
Peter Dituri frantically jumped onto the gator and tried to pry its massive jaws open while shouting for someone to call 911, he said.
“There was no thought process. It was just instinct,” the dad told the station.
The ruthless reptile then rolled — a maneuver used to drown and tear apart their prey— and severed part of the boy’s hand, which was later amputated.
“The officers all said that if I didn’t go on top of it and had caused it to roll, it would have pulled him into the water before rolling,” Peter Dituri said.
Peter's quick actions bought enough time for bystanders to jump in and help — how awesome is that? “From having nobody around to having people there, I can’t thank them enough,” Peter added, choking up.
He isn't the only one.
Doctors are looking into a prosthetic hand for the son, or maybe even a transplant.
Amazing.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Tourist Who Just Can't Can Totally Handle It, Dangerous Wildlife, Water Hazard, and I want to award an additional bonus point to each of the bystanders, but since I don't know exactly how many, I'll just make it another three. (9)
RUNNING TOTAL: 44 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: She Plays a Bloody Good Game of Pickleball
Florida Band
Jimmy Buffett and Clint Black: "Conky Tonkin’"
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 44 points for a record-tying average of 8.8 glorious FMF points.
God bless America, and particularly Florida.
Meanwhile, in Indiana...
Arsonist cuts off penis - then uses it to start a blaze in neighbor's garage: cops https://t.co/92Tk9CbhVH pic.twitter.com/AozJ6gJvSU
— New York Post (@nypost) July 8, 2026
"A firebug in Indiana cut off his own penis, dumped gasoline on it — then used it to light a blaze inside a neighbor’s garage, according to police."
We might just have our top report of the year, and it isn't even from Florida.
Man.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
It's the long-awaited return of Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ed Morrissey at 4 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
