It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn how to get a DUI with two vehicles in one day, all about full-contact pickleball, and what to do when a bear tries to steal your truck in Colorado.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man drives tractor to retrieve pickup truck he crashed earlier in a ditch before DUI arrest
Once again, this week's top story packs an awful lot just in the headline. Plus video!
So Florida Man was both drunk enough to crash his truck in a ditch and think that it was smart to drive his tractor drunk to pull it out.
Yeah, the police showed up in time to capture the whole thing on bodycam.
Please watch the whole clip, but there's a moment I must call your attention to.
Listen for the pause between the officer asking if Florida Man knew that driving a tractor drunk was still DUI, and Florida Man replying, "No sir, I did not."
The pause was so pregnant that it could have delivered triplets.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Likely Story, Went Viral, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Police Bodycam, Fleeing the Scene, Returning to the Scene (both!), Criminal Mastermind, Hold My Beer. (9)
TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Nine points for the top story is just Florida Man's way of celebrating America 250.
I Want to Party With You, Cowboy
79-Year-Old Florida Man Busted Selling Drugs Out Of His Corvette
“When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.” —Jack Handey
"When I die, I want to go like my grandfather. Stoned out of his mind and doing 115 in his 'Vette." —Florida Man, possibly
So you know how red sports cars grab cops' attention and are more likely to get pulled over? It's true; you can look it up. It's also not anything Florida Man seems to care much about:
According to a Facebook post from the Indian River County Sheriff's Office, 79-year-old Florida Man was arrested after deputies allegedly discovered marijuana, a firearm, and drug packaging materials inside his Corvette during a traffic stop.
Deputies say the stop happened earlier this week along State Road 60 after they received a tip about suspected illegal drug sales involving the vehicle.
Deputies say Florida Man admitted to possessing the marijuana and told investigators he sells it.
Now that's what I call YOLO.
Sir, all of us here at Florida Man Friday salute you.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, The Elderly, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Way to Take the L, Class Act. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: We’re Getting a Puppy (and Maybe You Should, Too)
Update: The puppy will arrive July 13-14. There will be photos, most likely on my X timeline.
You Had Me at 'Bloody Pickleball Match'
Bloody pickleball match results in mother's arrest after a paddle was allegedly used as a weapon
Say it with me now: "Bloody pickleball match."
I always thought of pickleball as tennis for drunk people, and I guess I wasn't wrong:
A pickleball match in St. Augustine, Florida, left a man bleeding from the head and a mother taking a trip to jail. Police say she hit the man several times with her pickleball paddle during an argument.
Florida Woman is facing a felony, according to News 4 JAX. She reportedly told investigators that she was defending herself during an argument. The arrest report stated that witnesses and the victim said that her son wasn’t in any danger.
The incident took place on May 31 over a disagreement about which one of them should retrieve a ball.
I have one of those fancy smartphones everybody is talking about these days, so I asked it what the pickleball rules are for retrieving the ball. Here's what it told me:
There isn’t an official rule requiring one player or the other to retrieve an out ball. It’s mostly governed by etiquette, and the convention is pretty straightforward:
* If your shot goes out, you generally retrieve the ball (or at least head toward it).
* If the ball stops near your side of the net, you pick it up and return it to the server.
* If the ball rolls well behind your opponents, they often grab it simply because they’re closer.
The overriding principle is: whoever can do it with the least interruption to play should do it.
So the rule is basically just "be nice."
Or... you could have a few too many and whack somebody with your racket until they're nice, and then lie to the cops about who you are.
SCORE: Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Domestic Bliss, Should Have Taken the L, Dude You OK?, and a Demerit to literally everyone involved for not getting video. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man sues Waffle House after falling while looking at window ad
Look, any time you get out of a Waffle House without taking a beating, chalk it up as a win.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man accused of crashing into ambulance and bolting found sleeping on couch
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're visiting Florida from Massachusetts because what the hell is there to do in Massachusetts anyway and you've been cruising around in a car you borrowed from your aunt and you're in kind of a hurry to get the car back to her and also you want a nap which is why you made that sudden u-turn and you didn't even have time to check the rearview or the side mirror before getting over into the left lane and that's how that ambulance ended up side-swiping you which totally isn't your fault so no big deal and you get back to your aunt's place just fine and you're finally getting that nap and hoping she don't notice the driver's side damage but that's when the police show up and they're all like "we got your aunt's license plate on video" and you're all like "it wasn't my fault that ambulance driver is a real a-hole" so that's when they decide to arrest you but you're not having none of that so you won't get out of the back of the car at the jail but they haul you out anyway and now that mean sheriff is showing this seriously ugly mugshot of you all over the internet?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, Vehicular Madness, Likely Story, Burned by Grady, Caught on Video, Resisting Arrest, Fleeing the Scene, Should Have Taken the L, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot. (10)
RUNNING TOTAL: 31 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
🚨 BREAKING: This Florida man is being praised nationwide for PERSONALLY following a child predator on the highway
— 🇺🇸👊Richard Citizen Journalist🇺🇸👊 (@RCJdpoctner) July 1, 2026
911: "You don't have to follow him!"
MAN: "He's got KIDS in his car! If a COP don't get him, I will, and IT WON'T BE PRETTY."
FLORIDA 🔥 pic.twitter.com/O9IHB6r3AK
Maybe all men should be Florida Man.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, plus two more — one for each of the rescued boys, and another for making me stand up and cheer a 911 call. Wow. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 37 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Came Here to Chew Bubblegum and Kick Chickens
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
It's another big-scoring week with five scored stories with a total of 37 points for a big average of 7.4.
Meanwhile, in Colorado...
🐻 Imagine opening your truck... and finding a bear in the driver's seat
— NEXTA (@nexta_tv) July 2, 2026
That's exactly what happened to a man in Colorado.
Instead of panicking, he grabbed a wooden plank and carefully coaxed the unexpected passenger out of the vehicle. The bear eventually jumped out and ran… https://t.co/7eehzQ3uNC pic.twitter.com/fVFf1FbKGF
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
No Five O'Clock Somewhere today or Monday — Producer Jim gets real holidays, that lucky sonuvagun — but we'll be back next Friday... and with some big changes and improvements coming in the weeks ahead. Stay tuned!
