It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn the proper attire for girls driving drunk in The Villages, how not to mind your own business at Publix, and be left with no clue whatsoever why North Carolina Man broke into a police station.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man stalked Publix customers with a knife before kicking chickens
That's a lot to unpack in one headline. Let's see what we can do with this one.
I've never shopped at a Publix — or a Safeway, Kroger, Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, random flea market stall, etc. — with some guy following me around making googly eyes.
I really do hope your experience is not at all any different from mine.
But that's what Florida Man did at a Publix in Umatilla, even following customers out to their cars. "One customer said they ran from the store, and Florida Man continued to follow them, according to CBS Miami. "Another customer said Roberts was also seen kicking and swatting chickens outside the store."
It's been a while since I've been to a Publix. Are chickens outside a regular thing? What about googly-eyed guys kicking them?
Did I mention he was carrying a big sheathed knife? Because he was.
You can guess what happened next. The police came, Florida Man refused to cooperate, but he was all over the surveillance videos. I mean, I imagine he must've shown up on every single camera at least once.
Only seven chickens were harmed in making this report.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Surveillance Video, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Publix, Glamor Mugshot, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes, and a Demerit for kicking chickens. (7)
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
Well, OF COURSE I Clicked on This Headline
Scantily clad DUI suspect arrested at local restaurant
Florida Woman spent the wee hours Tuesday night the same way most of us do, dressed in nothing but panties and a t-shirt, driving drunk through The Villages with a Surfside lemonade & vodka in the center console, and maybe snorting a little coke.
Don't judge.
Sure enough, she had trouble staying in her lane, got pulled over, and — surprise! — refused the breathalyzer. She did, however, agree to take the field sobriety test, and if you think I didn't search YouTube for bodycam video of the pretty 24-year-old taking the FST in her panties, think again.
Alas.
SCORE: Class Act, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, The Villages, Way to Take the L, I Can Fix Her (new!), Glamor Mugshot. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: The Burning Questions Europeans Will Bring Home With Their Ranch Dressing
I Have Nothing to Add in This Headline. NOTHING.
Florida Man accused of touching himself inside Sanford Walmart
I think I'd rather have the googly-eyed Publix stalker than this guy following me around: "Several women reportedly complained about a man walking around the store and making them feel uncomfortable. A Walmart loss prevention officer spotted the man pleasuring himself in the men's department and contacted police."
Not sure how he ended up in the men's department. Not going to ask, either.
Florida Man did, however, leave before police showed up, which would seem like the end of the story.
But no.
He came back a few hours later, was detained, and interviewed by a detective. Florida Man said he was "bored," but otherwise didn't know why he did... any of that.
SCORE: Surveillance Video, Public Nudity, Return to the Scene (new!), Way to Take the L, Walmart, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man re-arrested 12 hours after being released from Florida state prison
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man tries to steal medical helicopter at scene of car crash he reportedly caused
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're driving up I-75 totally minding your own business when you're pretty sure you saw the antichrist and not the creepy little kid from the movie but the real one that hangs out on the highway near Brooksville which is a thing he does and you're so scared that you lose control of your truck and hit this other car that flips over while your truck crashes into the woods and those people are hurt pretty bad which must have been the antichrist so the police close the highway and bring in one of those medevac helicopters which is pretty cool when it lands right there on the highway which gives you this great idea about how to get away from the antichrist by flying away in the helicopter even though you might not be totally clued in on how all the sticks and dials and stuff work but YOLO and also the antichrist but for whatever reason the cops wouldn't let you do that so they put the cuffs on and stick you in the back of the patrol car and since they wouldn't let you fly away you make them carry you into the jail which is where you're still sitting because they won't even let you have bond?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Resisting Arrest, Should Have Taken the L, The Inevitable Helicopter (Or Drone), Stolen Police Car Helicopter, Hold My Beer, Dude You OK? (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 28 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
South Florida cancer survivor creates Chemo Kits to comfort patients
This one is actually from February, but just came across my desk and was too good to let slide another four months.
"I found out that I had lymphoma in the ICU," [Jessica DeCristofaro] recalls. "I went to about 10 different doctors, and no one could tell me what was wrong with me even though I had every single symptom, I was coughing, fatigue, I lost a ton of weight and then I ended up in the ER where I found out that it metastasized into every organ of my body, and I was stage 4."
Jessica went through chemotherapy and radiation for seven months, and then, as she says, “by the grace of God”, she went into remission.
But she remembers how lonely the journey felt and how friends and family wanted to help but didn’t always know what she actually needed.
"They would send me flowers, and I wasn't able to have flowers because I was neutropenic, meaning my white blood cell count was very, very low, and so these could cause an infection," she says.
That’s how she came up with the idea for Chemo Kits—filled with comfort items and essentials she wished she had.
More: "They can be purchased online, donated by strangers, or found in some hospital gift shops."
Jessica says she's sent out more than 10,000 so far. Maybe the next time you're in a hospital gift shop, you could pick up one for a stranger. I bet the nursing staff knows somebody who could use it.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Class Act (unironically this time). (4)
RUNNING TOTAL: 32 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Beached Whale? No, That's a Beached Jeep.
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 32 points for a lovely average of 6.4.
Meanwhile, in North Carolina...
Man broke into police headquarters at 1 am, NC chief says. It didn’t end well https://t.co/xFLkKFvHG5
— The News & Observer (@newsobserver) June 25, 2026
North Carolina Man is "accused of breaking multiple windows, doors and essential equipment in the building, then running as an officer tried to arrest him."
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
Until then, here's Florida Band to keep you entertained.
