Family matters forced me to delay Florida Man Friday until Saturday. But let's turn this into a teachable moment. And the lesson is that Florida Man can only be delayed — he cannot be stopped.
Without any further ado, let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man flees traffic stop, jumps curb, beaches truck
Sand, how does it work?
That probably isn't a question people ask themselves very often, and actually need to even less often than that.
But then most people don't try to make a high-speed escape across the beach, like Florida Man just attempted in South Beach: "Officers arrested 41-year-old Florida Man after he led them on a brief chase along the beach, which ended when his vehicle became stuck in the sand, the chief said."
Put the accent on "brief."
A Waveland officer traveling east on South Beach Boulevard noticed a westbound Jeep Gladiator traveling over the posted speed limit. He said the officer used his radar, which showed the truck to be traveling at 44 mph. The officer turned around and attempted to pull the vehicle over.
Florida Man said he turned around and jumped the curb onto the walking and biking track along the sand. He said the truck was traveling about 80 mph.
The chief said Florida Man then drove onto the sand near Garfield Ladner Pier and Terrace Avenue, traveling several hundred feet by the volleyball courts before becoming stuck
"But I have four-wheel drive," I can almost hear Florida Man. It's the same thing I almost hear California Man say every time I see his Jeep Grand Cherokee in a culvert during Colorado Man Snowstorm.
Best part? Florida Cop followed alongside on the road, just waiting for Florida Man to get mired.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Dillhole (he's 41 but that was a 23-year-old Dillhole move), Police Chase, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Hold My Beer, Should Have Taken the L, Outstanding Warrant(s), Glamor Mugshot, and a bonus point to the cop for using his brain. (9)
TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Solid start.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Played Hide'n'Seek With a K-9 and Lost
Turns Out, There Is a Wrong Time for a Full Body Massage
Florida Woman having ‘hissy fit’ at BJ’s allegedly hits shopping cart with shovel
Did you ever get so mad at a gas station attendant for not giving you immediate attention that you grabbed him by the jaw, and then when he locked himself back in the booth, you attacked a shopping cart with a shovel?
Just Florida Woman, then.
But hang on. Things didn't get really weird for our intimidating, 5'9" 240 lb. Florida Woman, until after her arrest.
At about 11 p.m. that same night, detention deputies were called to investigate an altercation at the jail.
According to a second arrest report, surveillance footage from inside the jail showed Florida Woman walking over to a sleeping inmate’s bed and sitting down. She began rubbing the sleeping woman’s back before standing up and attempting to physically rip the blanket off of her.
As the victim struggled, Florida Woman was seen pulling and pushing the woman, forcefully shoving down on the victim’s back in an aggressive manner multiple times. Florida Woman then sat directly on the victim’s feet until the woman managed to escape the bed and run to the cell door to flag down a detention deputy.
I'd say, "Lock her up," but I don't think they have solitary in the county jail.
SCORE: Class Act, Caught on Video (times two!), The Villages, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Crime Spree, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (8)
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Florida Band: (new!)
An obvious pick? Sure. Do you really care when it's Skynyrd live? Nah.
White Claws, Really?
Florida Man found with 34 open White Claws after he was pulled over for speeding
There's getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar, and then there's getting pulled over for going 90 on I-75 — when you're obviously drunk off your butt and with 34 empty White Claws on the passenger side of your car. What do you tell the cop? "Those aren't mine!"
Or more likely, "Zhose ernt mine!"
But here's the part I found most interesting in an otherwise fairly simple story: After drinking 34 White Claws, Florida Man's blood alcohol content was 0.177, a little more than double the legal limit.
So here's the lesson for the next generation of Florida Men: After 13 or 14 White Claws, you're probably still good to drive.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Getting Caught Stupidly, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes, and I'd like to award one Demerit for each White Claw, but a single Demerit will have to do. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man bitten on the face by alligator at airboat attraction
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Elderly Florida Man allegedly street racing, caught driving 110 mph in 45 mph zone
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're minding your own business doing a little street racing in your hot little Nissan and you're up against this total poseur who thinks he's hot stuff just because he's got a Corvette but you're 85 and you've been around the block a time or two so you're trying to catch up to the Vette and you're doing a good 110 in a 45 which all by itself is pretty cool but you blow past this cop you couldn't even see which to be honest your eyesight isn't what it used to be but you can sure see those flashing lights so you pull over and the cop is all like "you were street racing and that's a serious offense" and you're all like "No, that guy, he swerved at me" and the cop is just looking at you so you tell him again you were only going that fast because only because the Vette swerved at you and you wanted to get away from him before he caused a problem but then the cop is all like "step out of the car" which you do and that's when the cuffs go on but the next day you see your own totally hot-stuff mugshot and you feel like maybe you'll have to hit the streets again tonight.
Don't you only kind of hate that, too?
SCORE: The Elderly, Vehicular Madness, Élan, Way to Take the L, Glamor Mugshot, and a Demerit to Fox 35 for not telling us what kind of Nissan Florida Man was driving. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 28 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Permanent memorial at Lakeland sports bar preserves fallen hero Maj. Cody Khork's legacy of service
Well:
A new permanent display at the Glory Days Grill sports bar in Lakeland pays tribute to U.S. Army Reserve Major Cody Khork, who was killed in action during the conflict with Iran in March. The display features highlights of his military career and accomplishments to ensure his memory lives on.
The Major Cody Khork Endowed ROTC Scholarship was also established at Florida Southern College to help support future leaders. Supporters have raised $140,000 for the memorial scholarship fund so far. Organizers expect to reach their $150,000 goal in July.
I couldn't find a link to contribute to the scholarship, but I'll keep looking.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Maj. Khork, and another three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to the folks who put this together so that he won't be forgotten. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 34 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Played Hide'n'Seek With a K-9 and Lost
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 34 points for a more than respectable average of 6.8.
Meanwhile, in South Carolina...
Detective arrested after drawing gun on officer who microwaved fish in break room
Arrested? They should have paid him a bounty.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
