It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn that, yes, Florida Man again chose the exact wrong getaway vehicle, what not to eat while driving, and how to inspire the headline writers at the New York Post.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Wanted felon with gun in pocket tased after trying to flee on E-bike
You have got to be freakin' kidding me.
It seems like only last week [It was only last week, Steve —Editor] that Florida Man tried to make his escape on a tricycle. And it seems like only a couple of weeks before that [It was only a couple of weeks, Steve, please keep better notes —Editor] when Florida Man tried to make an escape in an RV.
This week, he got stuck on his e-bike.
Police showed up at Florida Man's with an arrest warrant, but then, of course, he got arrested for a bunch of new charges after trying to flee on his e-bike, getting stuck somehow, continuing to flee on foot, then getting tased and found with drugs and a gun on him. The drugs are always a no-no, but his previous felony conviction made the gun an even bigger no-no.
Bad day, Florida Man.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: The Villages, You Fled on What? (new!), Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Resisting Arrest, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Should Have Taken the L, Face/Neck Tattoos, Tasered/Pepper Sprayed, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, and a Demerit to The Villages News for not telling us how exactly he got his bike stuck.
TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
It's going to be a big week, isn't it?
Everyone Needs a Hobby
So you know when you get arrested twice in three days for cocaine possession, and then you basically get arrested again for cocaine smuggling during your booking for the second arrest?
No?
Just Florida Woman then.
So Florida Woman was pulled over on July 24 for something routine, but something seemed off enough that the deputy called in a drug-sniffing K-9 who sniffed out basically all the cocaine. That was the first arrest.
Three days later, she was pulled over again for something routine, and again something seemed off enough that they called in a K-9 unit. That was the second arrest, but apparently Florida Woman wasn't totally forthcoming about having any cocaine on her person during the arrest, because they caught her trying to smuggle cocaine into the county lockup.
Maybe it's time to get a new hobby.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Criminal Mastermind, You Hid It WHERE?, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: One Small Family, One Smaller Puppy, One Major Battle
My Favorite Grady Burn Yet
Just watch, because nobody does it like Sheriff Grady Judd.
So many great lines in this one, but my favorite might be "The common spelling."
SCORE: Burned by Grady, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Getting Caught Stupidly, Likely Story, Dillhole, Glamor Mugshot. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 24 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man wins $10K for removing 96 pythons from Everglades
Maybe She Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Woman Blames Chicken Wings For Weaving Drive As Deputies Find Meth
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're driving down Masterpiece Road at night and maybe you're swerving all over the place because you're trying to eat chicken wings while you're driving but also maybe a little bit because you're stoned out of your mind when for whatever reason these cops pull you over and they're all like "do you know why we pulled you over ma'am" when you didn't even hit anything or drive all the way off the road which is when you tell them about the chicken wings that smell SO GOOD right now but the cops are sniffing and saying stuff like "have you been smoking marijuana ma'am" but you're all like "just let me go" but they can totally smell the pot so you tell them "it’s in the pink bag in the back seat" so maybe they'll let you get back to your chicken wings now and they're all like "we have to search your bag ma'am" still being all polite even after they find your weed and something they called a trafficking quantity of methamphetamine but if they were polite for real they'd let you eat those chicken wings instead of taking you to jail.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol, Burned by Grady, Vehicular Madness, Entrepreneurship, Glamor Mugshot, You Hid It WHERE? (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 31 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Good Samaritans rescue driver from submerged car at New Smyrna Beach boat ramp
So this happened:
Witnesses said they watched a Chevrolet Impala travel about 15 to 20 mph down North Causeway without braking or swerving before entering the water.
Cody Swavely and Robert Baggs immediately jumped in after the vehicle. Swavely said he opened the driver's door, but water rushed inside as the car quickly sank.
"The bumper end of the car was still in the air, and he was still buckled in the front seat, gulping water," Swavely said. He said the pair pulled the driver from the vehicle with only seconds to spare. "Probably another 10-15 seconds and that was it."
The driver was disoriented but breathing and is recovering.
Lt. Adam Sawri of the New Smyrna Beach Fire Department said, "To see these two gentlemen do this was really incredible," in no small part because the car was fully submerged by the time first responders could get to the scene.
The department plans to recognize them at the next City Commission meeting.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Vehicular Madness, Water Hazard. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 36 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: What Is it With His Terrible Escape Vehicle Decisions?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 36 points for a very respectable average of 7.2.
Meanwhile, in New York City...
Not casting the first stone on this one. https://t.co/Tm3seHneO5
— Stephen Green (@VodkaPundit) August 7, 2026
Leave it to the folks at the New York Post — the world's greatest tabloid — for working "erect" into a headline with "naked" in it.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Jennifer Rust at 4 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
