It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn the difference between hurricane-proof and chainsaw-proof, how not to tip the DoorDash driver, and to keep your pants on in Austin.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man breaks into store with chainsaw, steals $12K worth of Pokémon cards
Surveillance video from the Collection Realm store in Lake Park showed Florida Man cutting through a window late at night using a battery-powered chainsaw. He apparently also managed to cut himself on the glass, or "In the process, blood was left behind," as WRAL News lamely put it.
But, oh — what a score! $12,000 worth of pure, uncut, and untraceable Pokémon cards.
Well, except for the part where the video showed Florida Man doing the dirty deed and scoping out the place during business hours earlier that week — plus getting his license plate number.
From there, the services of Sherlock Holmes were somehow not required to track down Florida Man. Police found him at his home with the cards.
The window manufacturer contacted me to ask me to remind you that they guaranteed the glass as being "hurricane proof," not "mouth-breather with an electric chainsaw-proof."
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Entrepreneurship, Surveillance Video, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Glamor Mugshot. (6)
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
I'm Not a Lawyer, But I Play One on the Side of the Road
Florida Man accused of posing as attorney during traffic stop
Police pulled over Florida Woman in West Melbourne for some unexplained reason, and while they were talking to her on the side of the road, Florida Man showed up, claiming to be her attorney, and began negotiating with them on her behalf. Over what, exactly, was never explained.
The cops got suspicious — again, no reason given by Fox 35 — even though Florida Man "was dressed in a suit, spoke as though he were an attorney."
They determined he was not actually an attorney — somehow, also left unexplained — and arrested him.
"The arrest report also said that investigators contacted Florida Man's father, who allegedly laughed when asked whether his son was a licensed attorney and described him as a 'street lawyer.'"
Heh. Literally.
Florida Man was charged with practicing law without a license and obstruction by a disguised person.
I have questions.
Why did he show up?
Did he see a stranger pulled over and decide to freelance?
Did the woman call him?
If so, did she think he was a real lawyer?
Would it have been illegal to negotiate with the police if he hadn't claimed to be a lawyer?
What the hell is "obstruction by a disguised person?
If you know somebody who knows the law and is good at negotiating, should you keep them in your car with you at all times but remind them not to claim to be a lawyer?
It seems like Fox 35 should have answered the first six questions in its report. I was just being a jerk with that last one, but that's why you read Florida Man Friday.
SCORE: Impersonation, Legal Scholar, Vehicular Madness, a record three Demerits to Fox 35 for a terrible report, and a Bonus Point for Sheer Awesomeness to Florida Man's dad for the quip. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Seriously, Fox 35, do you even know how to news?
Exclusively for our VIPs: Solo-Maxxing Your Way Out of Dating, Marriage, and Kids
The Naked and the Delivered
Naked Florida Man accused of grabbing DoorDash driver
No Cliff Robertsons were harmed in the making of this report.
So Florida Man did what so many of us did when we were 20-year-olds.
He called out for some DoorDash, and when the female driver showed up with his order, he came outside "completely naked with a fully erect penis."
Two thoughts.
First, that's not the tip she was looking for, young man.
Second, I don't know what he ordered, but he was clearly very excited to get it.
After a mercifully brief encounter that included Florida Man asking, "Where the (expletive) do you think you’re going?" to a woman who would very clearly like to drop off her next order to someone who stays inside the house with their pants on, Florida DoorDash Woman called the police.
Here's the best bit, and I didn't even have to make it up: "Detectives said they headed to the property and spoke with Florida Man's mother about the incident. She reportedly advised that she would find him and take him to the police department herself."
Ooooooh, Florida Man is gonna get it.
SCORE: Class Act, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Public Nudity, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Dillhole, Glamor Mugshot, a well-earned Bonus Point to Florida Mom, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (8)
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: President Trump’s 80th birthday will be celebrated with golf cart parade in The Villages
Not sure there's ever been so much Florida in one headline.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida's 'Hide-and-Seek' Fugitive Found Wedged in Air Conditioner Vent
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you and your girlfriend are minding your own business stealing some crab legs from a Winn-Dixie because have you even seen the price of beef lately but it turned out that particular Winn-Dixie must have security cameras because the police show up almost right away and you can't afford to get arrest just now because you're already in trouble for this thing a couple months ago when you didn't show up in court for this little thing involving some grand theft and a little fleeing police with some super-speeding on a suspended license and maybe resisting arrest but that's OK because you figured out this sweet hiding spot inside the air conditioner ducts even if you do have to curl up real tight in there and you're not even worried about your girlfriend hiding in the closet at this point because the cops brought the K-9 with them just like they did in March when they caught you hiding underneath that house and then the sheriff is all like "we got the upper hand at hide-and-seek" which is why you're stuck in this jail cell with no crab legs.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Good Dog, Burned by Grady Staly, Surveillance Video, Resisting Arrest, Fleeing the Scene, Hide & Seek (times two!), Criminal Mastermind, Should Have Taken the L (times two!), Glamor Mugshot (times two!), Out on Bond, Recidivism. (14)
RUNNING TOTAL: 35 FMF Points.
That's a record score for a single report, and Florida Man couldn't have done it without his faithful Florida Woman.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida WWII hero laid to rest more than 80 years later
Incoming internet-transmissible onion fumes:
The remains of U.S. Army Air Forces Tech. Sgt. Charles C. Palmer Jr. arrived at Southwest Florida International Airport on Friday.
Palmer was honored during a private military ceremony.
“Palmer was just 20 years old when the B-24H Liberator bomber he served aboard was shot down over Kassel, Germany, on September 27, 1944, during WWII,” the Lee County Sheriff’s Office said. “For decades, his family waited for answers. Thanks to the dedication of the Defense POW/MIA Accounting Agency and advances in forensic science, Tech. Sgt. Palmer has now been identified and will be laid to rest with full military honors.”
On Monday, a motorcycle motorcade took Palmer to Sarasota National Cemetery.
“His return brings long-awaited closure to loved ones, including his 98-year-old cousin in Bonita Springs."
I'm not crying — you're crying.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, another Bonus Point to the 98-year-old cousin — likely the only surviving relative who knew Charles, another for everyone involved in putting this together, Class Act (unironic for once). (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 41 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Is That a Stolen Radiological Device in Your Pocket?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 41 points for big average of 8.2 points per story.
And it mostly hinged on the world's worst game of hide and seek.
Meanwhile, in Texas...
AUSTIN MAN sprints across UT campus naked chasing female joggers, stops to masturbate in a parking lot beside the LBJ Library, then hides in a port-a-potty as officers arrive.
— Austin Justice (@AustinJustice) May 18, 2026
Patrick Sweeney once slipped inside police headquarters and pedaled off on a marked patrol bike.
The… pic.twitter.com/VX7AunxTYW
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
