It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn why you don't bring your own chimichanga to Taco Bell, where not to sell your stolen radiological device, and how an excavator is best used to settle domestic disputes in Pennsylvania.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man arrested for going pants down and 'chimichanga out' near Taco Bell
I respect Taco Bell because the company fully embraced its reputation as stoner food and made no apologies for it. Although I do give the drive-thru exit at our local shop a wide berth when I drive by, because the odds are even that's a stoner driving out. He's moving slowly, sure, but he still isn't entirely sure where everything is, including the brake pedal.
Then there's Florida Man, who thought that Taco Bell at 1 a.m. was the perfect place to go "chimichanga out," if you catch Sheriff Rick Staly's drift.
Why would you ALLEGEDLY expose yourself near the side door of a Florida Taco Bell around 1 a.m. on a Thursday morning? And why would you do so when you’re in possession of a pet fish? If you’re not worried about yourself, have you no concern for what could become of your fish?
Sorry, did I forget to mention that while Florida Man was dropping trou for the late shift crew, he also had a live betta fish in a plastic container in his backpack?
I dunno, maybe betta fish like a Chalupa Supreme now and then.
The Flagler County Sheriff’s Office described him as being "chimichanga out" when deputies arrived on the scene. They say he had multiple pairs of pants pulled down and that he didn’t appear to be aware that police were on the scene.
Sorry, did I also forget to mention that Florida Man was wearing several pairs of pants, and that he'd dropped them all?
Anyway, Florida Man was so preoccupied with showing off his prized possession that he didn't even notice when the police arrived. He tried to pull up his pants like nothing had happened, but I guess there were too many of them.
"In Flagler County, if you can’t keep your business inside your pants, you’ll find yourself at the Green Roof Inn, swimming with different company than your fish," Sheriff Rick Staly said in a statement about the arrest.
We know who the fish is now, don't we?
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Taco Bell, Went Viral, Burned by Grady Rick, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Public Nudity, Criminal Mastermind, Instant Karma, and a Bonus Point to Sheriff Staly for "chimichanga out," and another Bonus Point to the cops who named their new betta fish Baja Blast. (9)
TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
That Isn't Where That Goes
Whenever people ask me if I golf — which comes up surprisingly often — I always tell them the same thing. "I never tried golf for the same reason I never tried cocaine. I'm pretty sure I'd like it, and I can't afford any more expensive hobbies."
Also, the stuff makes you do some seriously stupid s***.
The cocaine, I mean. Like when Florida Woman got pulled over for driving like a person who'd done a bunch of cocaine and was probably going to do a bunch more:
Body camera video shows a detective asking the passenger to exit the vehicle so K-9 Atlas could conduct a free-air sniff.
When Florida Woman exited the vehicle, the detective saw her attempt to conceal a small bag of cocaine beneath her purse, LCSO said. The bag ended up falling on the vehicle’s floor.
“This is my feminine product,” she said while pointing to the bag.
No wonder they were driving funny.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Police Bodycam, Likely Story, Good Dog. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: When the Land of Monty Python Stopped Laughing
Maybe Facebook Wasn't the Right Place to Sell That
Florida Man arrested after stolen radiological device listed on Facebook Marketplace
So Florida Man stole a $20,000 radiological device — "typically used to measure the density and inner structure of materials," according to the report — and then tried to sell it on Facebook. My guess is that he'd already been suspended from eBay, and a stolen radiological device is hardly the kind of thing you can auction off without a good seller rating.
Some Facebook tattletale alerted the authorities, and so the Florida Highway Patrol tried to buy the device undercover. When that didn't work, troopers conducted a detection screening from outside Florida Man's home, and FHP said: "the screening produced an industrial-level alert."
Yikes. In Florida Man's hands, too.
Florida Man was charged with grand theft and possession of a controlled radiation device without a license.
Do they even give out licenses for those in Florida?
Little Known Fact: The FHP has a Preventative Radiological Nuclear Detection unit because of course.
SCORE: Criminal Mastermind, Entrepreneurship, Getting Caught Stupidly, Dillhole, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points
Exit Question: Do people really go to Facebook Marketplace looking to buy stolen radiological devices?
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man accidentally shoots himself in groin while shopping at Walmart
Maybe She Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Woman accused of kicking trooper, urinating on road
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're minding your own business maybe having a few or doing some other stuff if you know what I mean when you blow right through a stop sign in your big old Land Rover when for whatever reason this cop starts flashing his lights at you so you keep driving a bit until you find this nice driveway to pull into and the cop is all like "you show signs of impairment" and "would you be willing to take a field sobriety test" and you're all like "I would rather not thank you sir" but maybe it sounded more like "i doan gotta do wha' you shay" which is when you get out of the Rover because you gotta pee and the cop is all like "please stay in the vehicle ma'am" and the cop is trying to keep you in the car even though you gotta pee so you're kicking him real hard which is when for some reason he calls for backup and so there's this other cop and a paramedic and the paramedic is trying to give you an exam so you give him something to examine by pulling down your pants and peeing in the road which is when they take you to the hospital to see if you're OK enough to go to jail and yep you sure were?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Assaulting a Cop, Resisting Arrest, Class Act, Should Have Taken the L, Public Nudity, Glamor Mugshot, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes. (9)
RUNNING TOTAL: 28 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man returns fanny pack with $30K to rightful owner after being found in Wawa bathroom
Nice:
A man in Florida is walking proof that some people are still choosing to do the right thing, even if it means returning $30,000 to its rightful owner.
Luis Salazar was in this exact situation when he noticed a fanny pack hanging on a railing inside a bathroom of a Wawa gas station in Riviera Beach recently.
When he opened the pack to look for identification after failing to find the owner, he was shocked to find a large amount of cash inside.
The owner eventually reported it missing, and Salazar returned it immediately once police identified the individual through security footage.
"So, I give him his bag. 'This is yours.' And he was crying. And he hugged me," said Salazar, adding, "It's not my money to take. I was not raised that way."
The owner said he was carrying the money for a family emergency, so let's just hope everything turned out OK — and that he doesn't end up as a regular FMF item.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Surveillance Video, Convenience Store, and a Demerit for losing a $30,000 fanny pack, and another Demerit for being a grown man with a fanny pack. (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 35 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Keep It in Your G-String, Gramps
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 35 points for a respectable average of 7 per report.
Meanwhile, in Pennsylvania...
NEW: Fight between a husband and wife ends with a large chunk of their house missing in Butler County, Pennsylvania.
— Collin Rugg (@CollinRugg) May 29, 2026
The damage to the house is so severe that investigators are concerned about the house's structural integrity.
According to local reports, 48-year-old Eric… pic.twitter.com/nl0mlHPaiu
That was a scene straight out of The War of the Roses, except they never let Michael Douglas have an excavator.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 4 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
