It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn that your rights of free expression end at your g-string, what not to drink before driving across a golf course, and how to pack serious heat in Connecticut.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Rights, how do they work?
Legal scholars — whether they be originalists, pragmatists, or living constitutionalists — agree that they don't work like this:
Florida Man was charged with five counts of indecent exposure at his Hollywood, Fla., apartment on May 22 after neighbors called police, saying they were “increasingly concerned and frustrated with his continued behavior,” Local 10 News reported.
He wasted no time showing police what neighbors were talking about — answering the door wearing nothing but a “G-string thong” and claiming he had “a right to walk around naked under Florida Statute 800.001” as long as he was not at a “park.”
Then things got weird.
Because literally everything is stupid, Florida Man was visited at his apartment by a female police officer, whom he told to "jump rope for me, baby doll," while putting on lipstick and touching himself.
Neighbors told police that Florida Man often exposed himself around the building and walked through common areas making “lewd gestures.” They also accused him of "thrusting his penis" at women's Ring doorbell cameras, which is now a thing people do, I guess.
Florida Man's first indecent exposure charge was way back in 1987, and he was arrested just last March after a high-speed police chase through the Keys.
No word on what he was or wasn't wearing during that arrest.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so, and I bet there are about to be a bunch of them.
SCORE: Legal Scholar (New!), Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Caught on Video, Public Nudity, The Elderly, Domestic Bliss, Out on Bond, Glamor Mugshot, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes. (10)
TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
No, Florida Cop, No!
Body cam footage out of Palm Beach, Florida, is going viral after a Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office deputy pulled over and ticketed a woman for using a phone in her right hand while driving, only for the woman to reveal she is an amputee missing that very hand. pic.twitter.com/2QzRU92e0m
— Right Angle News Network (@Rightanglenews) May 27, 2026
There's really no way to tell this story — you've got to witness it for yourself.
"Hand to God."
SCORE: Likely Story (to the police officer, for once), Went Viral, Police Bodycam, Should Have Taken the L (again, to the cop), Class Act (New! And this one goes to Florida Woman). (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: We're in the Endgame Now… Unless…
'Who drinks Fireball?'
Florida Woman’s Fireball-Fueled Golf Course Drive
It's one thing to drive drunk.
It's another thing to drive drunk across a golf course, which I'm told the people who own, operate, or play on golf courses really don't like.
It's quite another to crash your car on the sidewalk after driving drunk across a golf course, only to have the police find you there, sitting next to your car.
But if all that weren't classy enough, Florida Police found Florida Woman slurring her words, struggling to keep her balance, and of course, refusing the totally redundant breathalyzer and field sobriety test.
Here's where things get super classy: "A search of the vehicle uncovered an unopened 10-pack of 50-milliliter Fireball Cinnamon Whisky bottles, 21 opened mini bottles of Fireball, and two empty bottles of 99 Brand liqueur."
Or as one Polk County Sheriff X feed commenter put it, “Who drinks Fireball?”
Florida Woman, that's who.
Check out her stash.
The Polk County Sheriff's Office responded to a single-vehicle crash on May 14, 2026 at around 6:54 pm, in the area of Streamsong Golf Resort near Bowling Green.
— Polk County Sheriff 🚔 Grady Judd (@PolkCoSheriff) May 19, 2026
When the deputy arrived, she found a red 2018 Hyundai on a sidewalk, and a woman sitting next to the vehicle.
The… pic.twitter.com/5MioK63JBv
SCORE: Burned by Grady, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Élan (for Fireball!), Should Have Taken the L, Golf, Dillhole (Our first female one), WTF Were You Even THINKING? (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Videos:
Cape Canaveral residents waking up to one of the biggest manmade non-nuclear explosions in history: https://t.co/Sn35A3zNCi pic.twitter.com/cfjLBjPFrY
— Gateway (@Gateway2Space) May 29, 2026
Wow, right?
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man Leads Police on Chase, Crashes Into Patrol Car, Hides in Resort Water
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're minding your own business driving around drunk in your black Hyundai SUV on a Monday night with an underage passenger when this other car comes out of nowhere and you hit it pretty good but since it was hiding before you hit it you don't have to stop or anything so you're still cruising along real fast when for whatever reason the police start flashing their lights at you even though you don't have time for any of that cop nonsense right now which is cool because you manage to lose them looping behind this McDonald's and you totally can't believe that worked but instead of lying low somewhere you decide to cruise around some more which is when you blow past this stop sign and you guess your luck ran out because you T-bone a cop car in the intersection and now your car won't go so you take off on foot totally leaving your underage friend behind but there's this Sunseeker Resort right there where you figure you can hide in the water but you didn't count on a couple of things one of which was leaving footprints leading into the water and the other is that part where you have to stick your face out to breath which is how the cops found you and now they won't even let you out on bail because maybe that wasn't your first time?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Police Chase, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Suspended License/Expired Tags, Water Hazard, Fleeing the Scene, Hide & Seek, Criminal Mastermind, Should Have Taken the L, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot. (11)
RUNNING TOTAL: 33 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Key West police officer hailed as hero after rescue
Florida Man went into the water at the Hurricane Hole lagoon to save his 161-pound Great Dane, but couldn't lift the big guy to safety. Apparently, he'd struggled for 20 minutes when Officer Corey Vanderhoof jumped into the water and managed to pull them both out.
Can you imagine struggling with a dog that big in deep water for 20 minutes?
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Florida Man for trying to rescue his dog, another three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Officer Vanderhoof for the double rescue, Good Dog, Water Hazard, Went Viral. (9)
RUNNING TOTAL: 42 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: It's the Every Man but Florida Man Edition
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Wow.
Five scored stories with a total of 42 points for a record-tying average of 8.4.
Nice work, Florida Persons — but keep it in your g-string, Gramps.
Meanwhile, in Connecticut...
Vernon #police arrested a driver on DUI and drug charges before uncovering a homemade cannon in the vehicle’s trunk during a search. #OfficerMagazine https://t.co/S0tsIn1iWJ
— Officer.com (@OfficerCom) May 28, 2026
I like your style, Connecticut Man.
But have you considered mounting the cannon on the hood? Just sayin'.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
