It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, I have so many reports lined up from seemingly every state except for Florida, that I figured maybe he deserved a break this once.
Let us begin as we never do with...
The Most Florida Texas Man Story Ever (This Week)
Cybertruck driver arrested after driving into lake to use 'wade mode'
It takes one kind of stupid to believe that the Wade Mode designed to help cross streams and such is actually James Bond Secret Submarine Car Mode that lets you cross giant bodies of water.
It takes a much more special kind of stupid to dunk your LITHIUM-ION BATTERY OPERATED VEHICLE in water.
Bad things can happen. Maybe not right away, but they can happen.
Now it's time for an Entirely True VodkaPundit Tale™.
My wife and I bought this house 20 years ago, after falling in love with the area's big hills, little twisty roads, and endless trees. After our first winter here, I got an idea for a coffee table book. It would be filled with wintertime photos of nothing but Jeep Grand Cherokee and Mercedes ML SUVs, stuck in snowy culverts. Because it was always seemed to be Jeeps and MLs that slid off the road and got stuck — always, always, always with California plates.
My new idea for a coffee table book is for the stupid s*** (there's no other way to put it) people do with their Cybertrucks.
This guy will be my cover shot.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Hold My Beer, Caught on Video, Went Viral, Vehicular Madness, Boating Madness (heh), Water Hazard, Élan, and a bonus point for whoever thought to charge Texas Man for not having a valid boat license — chef's kiss for that one. (8)
TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Eight points? You'd almost think he was Florida Man.
He Meant to Pencil in That Meeting
Ohio arson suspect shows up to police interview with singed eyebrows
So you know when you're committing a little arson for reasons that not even you might fully comprehend, when you accidentally set fire to the bed of your pickup truck and also burn off most of your eyebrows?
No?
So it's just Ohio Man then:
The investigation led authorities to surveillance video footage in which a Dodge Dakota was seen pulling up to a locked gate, which was accessed by the driver. The man drove to fuel storage tanks and allegedly began to remove fuel from the containers, putting it in his truck.
The video then showed a flash of fire, and the driver began to drive away before realizing the bed of the truck had also caught fire. The driver then reportedly backed up toward the fuel tanks, which caused the fire to spread. The pickup then left.
Police were able to ID Ohio Man from security video and — surprise! — he's a disgruntled ex-employee of the place he set on fire.
When police met with him, "he appeared with singed eyebrows, a burn on his right cheek and right ear lobe, and a large bandage on his right arm."
Ohio Man told police he didn't mean to set the place he soaking with gas on fire, it just kinda happened when he lit a cigarette after soaking the place with gas.
SCORE: Likely Story, Surveillance Video, Fleeing the Scene, Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Instant Karma. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Which Way Russia? Nixon Knew.
Too Drunk to Safely Operate a Horse
Kentucky Cops Arrest Equestrian, 48, For GUI (Galloping Under The Influence)
It seemed like the perfect crime.
The cops can't arrest you for DUI without the D, right?
Wrong.
Kentucky Man left a Bowling Green liquor store already so drunk that he couldn't properly operate his vehicle — a horse that presumably knew the way home.
According to an arrest report, an officer spotted the sagging Kentucky Man atop a horse around 6 PM Thursday. When Hernandez began to ride on the sidewalk, the cop performed a traffic stop.
Seen above, Kentucky Man reportedly smelled of alcohol, had bloodshot eyes, and his speech was slurred. He told police that he had just left a liquor store and was returning home.
Tied to the horse’s saddle was a liquor store bag, the report states.
Turns out, however, that Kentucky Man is actually Illegal Immigrant Man, and he was turned over to the Fed.
The best part? The arrest paperwork listen the vehicle’s make and model as “other.”
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Convenience/Liquor Store, Good Dog Horse, Vehicular Madness (I suppose...), ICEd, Glamor Mugshot. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Georgia Headline: Georgia Man ditches car for pink Barbie Dream camper as gas hits $4
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Colorado Man arrested after alleged reckless driving, high-speed collision, assault on officer
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're driving around Greeley which I think is a French word that means "smells like cows" totally minding your own business with your leg hanging out the window and I mean its still attached and all but you drive an automatic so no big deal when anyway you blow past this red light on Highway 34 which is when you decide to kick it up a notch and so you start blowing past all the other cars on the road and I mean you're using both shoulders to leave them in the dust but there's this one guy going to slow and you can't get around him which is when you totally accidentally rear end his car which ends up in a ditch but it turns out you did some pretty bad damage to your car too so you pull your leg back in and climb out and try to steal this other car but for some reason the guy driving it hits you and just when you're planning your next move this off-duty cop pins you to the ground and then these on-duty cops show up for no good reason and you give them your best but it's three against one and the next thing you know you're sitting in jail and you can't even get your leg through the bars.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, No Insurance (New!), Assaulting a Cop, Resisting Arrest, Crime Spree, Dude You OK? (7)
RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
🚨WOW!!!
— Matt Van Swol (@mattvanswol) May 21, 2026
Absolutely EXTRAORDINARY footage has emerged of a US military veteran RESCUING A WOMAN STRANDED ON TOP OF HER CAR during flash-flooding in Atlanta.
"I saw her in the middle of the street, I had no choice but to pull over and help."
ABSOLUTE HERO!!!!!!!!! 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸 pic.twitter.com/NVvakzEhjh
Bravo, Atlanta Man.
As for you, Atlanta Woman... please never again think you know how deep the water is during a flash flood.
Well, not unless your car has Wade Mode.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness (him), WTF Were You Even THINKING? (her), Went Viral, Vehicular Madness, Water Hazard, Caught on Video. (8)
RUNNING TOTAL: 35 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: That Guy Is SO Going Back to Venezuela
So How Did Everybody Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 35 points for a Florida Man-worthy average of seven FMF points per story.
Meanwhile, in Florida...
Florida Man flees multiple hit-and-run crashes, kicks deputy during arrest
Florida Man, you are the king.
Come back next week for a totally normal — grading on the FMF curve — episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Cam Edwards at 4 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
