It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn why they call it blow, what not to do to your boss's Subaru, and when to stop drinking on that flight to Cuba.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
‘It’s sugar’: Florida man blows fentanyl in deputy’s face outside Publix
Yeah, it wasn't sugar.
Marion County deputies spotted a car belonging to Florida Man who — surprise! — had an active violation of probation warrant. One deputy pointed his pistol at the car and — this part really was a surprise — Florida Man got right out of the car.
Deputies said they noticed — surprise again! — signs of drug use, including a tie-off falling from his arm and syringes in his car. I'd call that tie-off a very current sign of drug use. They also found a bag of fentanyl in Florida Man's pocket, which is when things got weird.
Florida Man blew some fentanyl out of the bottle cap (???) where he kept it and into a deputy's face.
“I was just joking. I was just trying to blow that off your hand so you didn’t get it in your mouth.”
The deputy will be fine. Florida Man, on the other hand, is in Marion County Jail and charged with drug possession, tampering, and possession paraphernalia in addition to his outstanding warrant.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol, Assaulting a Cop, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Police Bodycam, Should Have Taken the L, Probation Violation, Publix, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes. (9)
TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Big start.
'I Wish I Was a Loofah'
Florida Woman uses Loofah price tag to knock down prices at Target
Well, that didn't work:
The Target staffer began surveilling Florida Woman, who was picking up bedding, bath and grocery items. She made her way to self-checkout and placed unscanned items into shopping bags. She also used a Loofah UPC tag that was priced at $2.99 to scan more expensive merchandise. She left the store with $181.58 in unpaid items, after which she was brought to the loss prevention office, the report said.
At that point, the Target staffer ran Florida Woman's credit card through the store’s system. This showed when she shopped at the store previously and revealed two more theft incidents, the report said.
So close to being the perfect crime... so... darn... close.
Here's how I think the asset protection guys got clued into Florida Woman's scam. They're looking at the electronic receipts and asking, "How many loofahs does one woman need?"
SCORE: The Villages, Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Walmart/Target/Dollar General, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Exit question: For bonus points, identify from memory the "loofah" quote in the headline.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Maybe God Is in the Stars
An Important Safety Tip from Sheriff Grady Judd
Eliseo from Venezuela, here claiming asylum, has us all fired up this morning. #PolkSheriff #GradyJudd #MorningBriefing pic.twitter.com/Qbmt8QWZdi
— Polk County Sheriff 🚔 Grady Judd (@PolkCoSheriff) April 28, 2026
Exit quote: "Maybe they do that in Venezuela."
Not when Viceroy Marco Rubio is done cleaning up the place, they won't.
SCORE: Burned by Grady, ICEd, Master of Disguise, Surveillance Video, Glamor Mugshot, Dillhole. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man sentenced to a month in jail for lobster violations
Please don't violate the lobsters.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man ‘exposed his genitals’ at Chick-fil-A drive thru
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're minding your own business cruising along State Road 100 with a vibrating sex toy attached to your junk and your pants undone because this new one you bought has this cool new feature you want to test out where the vibrations go up and down with the speed of your car and you're all like "how does that even work" which is when you realize that what you really need is to slow things down if you know what I mean and maybe get one of those delicious Chick-fil-A sandwiches so you pull up to the window to get your order which comes up just in time if you know what I mean and there's one of those Chick-fil-A kids at the window and for whatever reason she's all freaked out that you've got a vibrating sex toy attached to your junk which is barely even vibrating since you're stopped at the window so she calls the cops after you leave and just when things are getting good again if you know what I mean the cops ID you from the surveillance video because maybe you run into them a time or two before and they come and take you to jail at the worst possible time and you don't even want to know what vibrates in this place.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drive-Thru Mayhem, Vehicular Madness, Surveillance Video, Public Nudity, Getting Caught Stupidly, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Three South Florida teenagers are being hailed as heroes after helping a man who was having a heart attack on the side of the road. https://t.co/KQMf8pUhTy pic.twitter.com/tovdoodSW5
— ABC News (@ABC) May 14, 2026
Awesome:
Diego Fernandez-Delgado suffered a heart attack after getting a flat tire and running out of phone battery near the 5900 block of South Flamingo Road. He later said he prayed for help.
“God didn’t send angels with wings. He sent those boys,” Fernandez-Delgado’s son Cristian said in a statement.
Three Cooper City High School students, 16-year-old Logan Royer, 16-year-old Cody Magrone, and 17-year-old Brody Murray, were at McDonald’s at 5986 S. Flamingo Road.
The boys saw Fernandez-Delgado from a distance and decided to walk over to help him.
Exit quote: "Cooper City officials presented the teens with a proclamation on Tuesday evening, and they got a standing ovation."
Hat tip to PJ Media's own Chris Queen for finding this one.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, The Elderly, and from now on I'll award a Demerit every time a report calls someone 65 "elderly." (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 32 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Thrilla With a Drilla
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 32 points for a respectable average of 6.4.
Meanwhile, Somewhere Over the Atlantic...
I CAN FIX HER.https://t.co/FFyBbSkD63
— Stephen Green (@VodkaPundit) May 14, 2026
Insanely drunk mom punched, bit flight attendant on low-cost international flight
The spirit of Spirit Air lives on.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
