It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we learn what happens very quickly when a smoker tries to outrun police, why you shouldn't replace your license plate with a piece of cardboard that says "PRIVATE," and Britain's delusional depths.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man accidentally shoots himself at Walmart, startling weekend shoppers
Florida Man was picking up a few things at Walmart, including an accidental gunshot wound. Details are a bit thin, but a customer named Myra told 7 News, "The guy dropped the gun, and then 'boom.'"
I have questions:
- Did he take his gun out on purpose?
- If so, why?
- Did he shoot himself while pulling out the gun?
- Did the gun just fall out of his pants and go off when it hit the ground?
- Again, why?
- A gun goes off at Walmart, and people are startled?
- What kind of tourist-trap Walmart was this, anyway?
I do not, however, question why Florida Man had a gun at a Miami-Dade Walmart. Or any other Walmart.
Exit quote, also courtesy of Myra: "It’s not the weirdest thing to happen in a Walmart. It’s honestly kind of expected."
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Walmart/Target, You Hid It WHERE?, Dude, You OK?
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
That's Nacho Best Decision
Florida Woman accused of attacking wife with cheesy nachos
There's a lot to process here:
Florida Wife told police she was in the kitchen making cheesy nachos before she was attacked. Florida Woman, 39, was in the living room playing video games when she told the victim she shouldn’t be eating so late and made a comment about her weight.
An argument ensued, and Florida Woman walked over to her spouse, “grabbed a handful of the cheesy nachos and shoved them down the back” of the victim’s leggings, a police report on the incident reads.
That's when things got more violent than I want to repeat in a Florida Man column.
But Florida Woman told a different version:
When police responded to the couple’s home early Saturday morning, Florida Woman denied that a physical altercation had occurred and claimed that her wife had been in a “drunken rage,” forcing Florida Woman to barricade herself in their bedroom. Her wife had thrown the plate of nachos, Florida Woman said, and “rolled around and covered herself in nacho cheese.”
That did not happen ever.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Someone's Bottom Area, Domestic Bliss, Likely Story, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: We're Digging a Hole to Mars... Well, Sort Of
Maybe He Didn't Know That's Illegal
Florida Man with cardboard license tag arrested after 2 pipe bombs, drugs discovered in vehicle
VodkaPundit's First Rule for Living the Criminal Lifestyle is this: "Make sure your tags are up to date and your brake lights are working because you don't want to give the police a reason to pull you over."
Or, you could do what Florida Man does when he has meth and a couple of pipe bombs in his car, and replace your license plate with a piece of cardboard with "PRIVATE" written on it.
"It's private, so I shouldn't pull him over," is exactly what police didn't say before pulling Florida Man over.
That's when they found the drug stuff and the bombs — and called in the Bay County Bomb Squad.
"It is unclear why Florida Man had the two pipe bombs in his car or what he was going to do with them," Fox13 reported, but if you have to ask, you wouldn't get it anyway.
P.S. This is what Bay County Bomb Squad calls "Monday."
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Getting Caught Stupidly, Master of Disguise, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man Accused Of Touching Realtors’ Feet During Open House Showings
Spoiler: He Was Not Usain Bolt
Florida Man gets pulled over, leads police on foot chase
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're minding your own business driving way over the limit and blowing through red lights just because you can and then for whatever stupid reason the cops pull you over and want to see your license so you tell them you don't have it on you but that doesn't matter because this is your grandmother's car and she's got a license but the cops don't seem to understand how that works so you take off running only you can't seem to run as fast or as long as you used to since you started smoking all those cigarettes and when the cops catch up to you they think they're so funny saying stuff like "C’mon, man, you’re much younger than us" and "You’re too young to be breathing like that from that short little run, dude" and "You need to stop smoking. You thought you were Usain Bolt" which they seem to think is real funny but you're really going to tell them off if you ever catch your breath?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Suspended License, Police Bodycam, Fleeing the Scene, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Bonus Florida Video
It's a blow up mattress. Can't you just let the air out? 🤷 Naw - not #FloridaMan!! pic.twitter.com/QzH5tSNcm1
— The Beach From Florida (@BeachFrmFL) May 15, 2025
Look, Smartypants — if he lets the air out, how's he supposed to sleep on it?
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
I mean, how is this even up for debate? They have soccer hooligans, but we have Florida Man:
The patriotism sparked in the comments section is truly something to behold. “Our president is a felon who you think is winning,” one American wrote. “Do they have the Britain man? We have the Florida man,” another added. A third chimed in, “100 British people vs one Waffle House shift.”
But the Brits weren’t going down without a fight, and if there’s one thing British people do best, it’s getting under Americans’ skin. “British people 100%,” one wrote. “Don’t get me started. I might start sounding patriotic,” added another.
Fear of sounding patriotic is why British Man will never win against Florida Man.
So I'm just awarding everybody in Florida and the rest of America five bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness instead of the usual three because we're just that good, you pansy, pasty Brits.
SCORE: FIVE DAMN POINTS.
RUNNING TOTAL: 24 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Driving While Drunk and Waving Guns
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 24 points for a so-so average of 4.8.
That seems kind of low for the quality of this week's stories, but these things happen.
Meanwhile, in Britain...
U.K. Man Sets His Own House on Fire Twice in One Night to Watch Firefighters Work
There's something seriously wrong this week with our British cousins.
Then again, maybe we don't want to mess with a guy who'd set fire to his own house twice.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the Five O'Clock Somewhere FIFTH ANNIVERSARY EXTRAVAGANZA with guests including Ed Morrissey, Paula Bolyard, Cam Edwards, Larry O'Connor, Chris Queen, Kevin Downey Jr., Storm Paglia, and, wisdom tooth willing, Kurt Schlichter.
