It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we learn what not to wave around in the car when you're driving drunk, how to rescue a baby owl, and what not to give a raccoon in Ohio.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man arrested after drunk driving, waving and dancing with guns in his car
You know how sometimes, when you're driving in your car alone and an awesome song comes on and you start singing your booty off and dancing around in your seat like a crazy person? We've all been there. We've also all probably found ourselves doing that at a red light, singing and doing the car-seat dance, when you notice the person in the next car over has been laughing and watching you the whole time, like you're a demented MTV video?
I can't even tell you how many times that second part has happened to me. Once, I had to move to a new city.
The exact same thing just happened to Florida Man. Except that instead of singing and doing the car-seat dance in the car alone when some stranger spotted him at a red light, he was drunk and waving guns around and doing the car-seat dance with somebody in the passenger seat and an eight-month-old baby in the back when he got pulled over by the police.
"The guns are my brother's," he told the police.
"Oh, that's OK then. Carry on," is exactly what the police didn't say before arresting Florida Man without further incident.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Way to Take the L, Recidivism.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Is There Even a Police Code for a Stolen Yacht?
Florida Man in stolen luxury yacht leads authorities on brief chase
If you ever wondered what happens to Russia Man when he comes to Florida, it's exactly what you'd expect: He becomes Florida Man and tries to steal a $2.5 million yacht for reasons the authorities can only guess at.
The scene was confused:
Budensiek said his office received a call around 4 p.m. from the dockmaster at Blowing Rocks Marina stating that someone had stolen a 68-foot, three-story yacht and was heading north on the water.
“Because it’s such an unbelievable story, we started reaching out and trying to find out if this is a repo deal or if there was somebody allowed to use this vessel,” he said.
Once they confirmed that there were no legitimate reasons for the yacht to be taken, investigators then started working out how they could stop it.
The police boats forced the yacht over until it became grounded and unable to move. Police said, "They were bowing to the side of that vessel and just shoved him as he was trying to get forward momentum. They just shoved him up into the mangroves."
Ouch.
SCORE: Stolen Police Car Ambulance Fire Truck Yacht, Boating Madness, Water Hazard, Police Chase, Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, and a bonus point to Martin County Sheriff John Budensiek for saying "Shoved him up into the mangroves" with a straight face.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Skynet Might Be Fiction, But It’s Coming for Our Jobs
Down in the Villages
Villagers’ son with two DUIs in Michigan found passed out
It's one thing to drink and drive.
It's another to be so drunk when you get behind the wheel that you pass out with the lights on.
It's still another when a neighbor finds you like that, wakes you up, asks if you've been drinking, and you say, "Of course."
Did I mention the added shame of you being passed out drunk behind the wheel of a golf cart?
And then there's the part where the police show up and, being drunk enough to think it might help, you hand them your medical marijuana card.
But hold on. The police do your background check and find you have two DUI convictions in Michigan, which brings us to the worst: the previous convictions mean you're getting charged this time for felony DUI.
For driving a golf cart.
I won't even mention the part where all this happens when you're 33 and living with your parents.
SCORE: The Villages, Drugs/Alcohol, Scooter/Golf Cart, Élan, Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man with 5 prior incarcerations, 74 felony charges, 30 convictions arrested
My shocked face has been Botoxed into a hardened state of motionless serenity.
Maybe He Didn't Know That's Illegal
Florida Man accused of roaming naked through St. James City neighborhood arrested
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you've been maybe doing some drugs and stuff and there's nothing better to do at a time like that than take off your clothes and wander around the neighborhood looking for some stuff that isn't yours but could be and while you're doing that you notice some of the neighbors have these swimming pools and if there's anything better than wandering around lit up and naked stealing stuff it's gotta be skinny-dipping when you're all lit up so then some loser calls the police and they're trying to arrest you but you're doing your best to resist but then these neighbors all pile on with the police and then the next thing you know they get the cuffs on you except that it might not just be sometimes but instead you've been walking around naked at night all week and now all the neighbors are showing their Ring videos of you to the cops?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Public Nudity, Water Hazard, Resisting Arrest, Caught on Video, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Ocala Firefighters help rescue flightless owl from a transformer station
I won't even try to count how many of my favorite stories are about people saving animals or animals saving people, so, without further ado, here's another one:
Just when you thought you’d seen it all, an owl gets trapped within the confines of a transformer station.
Those words were likely never muttered before last night when Ocala Fire Rescue (OFR) firefighters at Station 2 were treated to quite a hoot close to home base.
According to OFR, at around 8:30 p.m. on Sunday, a firefighter heard something unorthodox coming from a nearby Ocala Electric Utility (OEU) transformer station.
OFR Captain James Williams IV says the firefighter, described as a “bird guy,” went over to find an owl trapped within the fenced area surrounding the transformer.
Firefighters immediately contacted Rescuing Ocala Wildlife (ROW) for assistance and, after receiving access to the station from OEU, a ROW volunteer arrived to rescue the owl.
The ROW volunteer believes the young owl attempted to glide for the first time and found a landing spot in the transformer station.
The baby owl is expected to make its first real flight — hopefully with a much more appropriate landing zone — as soon as it "trades out some fuzz for flight wings."
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to everybody involved in the rescue. The young owl gets two, one for Chutzpah (trying to fly so young) and the other for Élan (during the rescue).
That's only the second time I've awarded Chutzpah and Élan in the same story, but birds of prey are cool like that.
RUNNING TOTAL: 28 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: 'This Is the Symbol of America, Man'
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 28 points for a respectable average of 5.6.
Meanwhile, in Ohio...
A raccoon trying to smoke a meth pipe during a vehicle search in Springfield Township, Ohio. 🤦🏻♂️
— Steve 🇺🇸 (@SteveLovesAmmo) May 7, 2025
This video seems so Ohio. pic.twitter.com/WtWqTwonGF
A raccoon trying to smoke a meth pipe during a vehicle search in Springfield Township, Ohio
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ed Morrissey at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
